June 11, 2024
What No One Tells You After the Death of a Child
Welcome to "Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity." I'm your host, Laura Brazan. In today's heart-wrenching yet inspiring episode titled "What No One Tells You After the Death of a Child," we dive deep into the trials and triumphs of grandparents who step in to raise their grandchildren following the death of their own children.
Joining us is Nicole Strack, a mother of six who faced the turbulent battle of raising a ten-year-old granddaughter after the devastating loss of her daughter to addiction. Nicole's story is one of relentless struggle with the child protective system, emotional and psychological hardships, and the unwavering pursuit of justice and advocacy for those affected by trauma and addiction.
Tune in as Nicole shares her journey of turning unimaginable grief into a powerful force for change, offering hope and solidarity to our community. Grab a cup of tea, sit back, and join us for an episode that promises not only to resonate deeply but also to illuminate paths towards healing and empowerment.
Thank you for tuning into today's episode. It's been a journey of shared stories, insights, and invaluable advice from the heart of a community that knows the beauty and challenges of raising grandchildren. Your presence and engagement mean the world to us and to grandparents everywhere stepping up in ways they never imagined.
Remember, you're not alone on this journey. For more resources, support, and stories, visit our website and follow us on our social media channels. If today's episode moved you, consider sharing it with someone who might find comfort and connection in our shared experiences.
We look forward to bringing more stories and expert advice your way next week. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other.
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Chapters
05:03 - Sister torn away, legal battles, family struggles.
09:13 - Seeking closure, exposing truth about drug overdoses.
11:19 - Children arrested for assault, lack of communication.
14:25 - Possible undiagnosed autism, struggles with basic skills.
17:11 - Overcame addiction and helped daughter find happiness.
22:52 - Kids need understanding; grandparents can fill void.
24:00 - Nicole fights for grandchildren, opioid epidemic affects.
Transcript
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Are your days consumed by clashes with grandchildren who curse your presence while you're sacrificing vacations, social time, and that new dress you really wanted for your birthday this year? Feel the sting of resentment in their voice when your grandchild tells you they wish they had a mom and dad to come to their parent teacher conferences like all the other kids.
00:00:25.634 --> 00:00:32.613
All the while, you're seeking closure for the unfathomable pain of losing a child.
00:00:33.713 --> 00:01:33.694
Join us for today's eye opening episode, what no one tells you after the death of a child welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma, and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.
00:01:35.993 --> 00:01:53.924
We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.
00:01:55.024 --> 00:02:04.364
Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.
00:02:11.824 --> 00:02:48.403
I experienced the devastating loss of my only son, and the unanswered questionings surrounding his death haunt me to this day. Today I introduce my next guest, Nicole Strack, a mother of six who has taken on the role of raising her ten year old granddaughter since she was three. Just a year ago, from the time this interview was conducted, she faced the heart wrenching loss of her daughter, whose battle with addiction ended in a tragedy with no clear explanation. Was it suicide? Was it murder?
00:02:49.144 --> 00:03:29.484
Was it an accidental death? Nicole grapples with the agonizing uncertainty, living through every parent's worst nightmare. Yet from her pain, she has emerged as a beacon of hope, dedicating herself to her granddaughter despite the struggles championing youth against all forms of trauma, bullying, sexual assault, and addiction, empowering them to become advocates against victimization. Join us as Nicole shares her journey of turning personal tragedy into a powerful force for change.
00:03:30.623 --> 00:04:24.483
Nicole, thanks for sharing your story with us. Why don't you tell us how you became a grandparent raising your grandchildren? My daughter was making bad decisions, and I couldn't get help for her. She would take the kids, she would drive. She'd be impaired. It wasn't enough for human services to step in unless she got pulled over with narcotics in her hands, taking it, there was nothing they could do. It got to the point where I had a call every single time that I felt that there was something wrong. And up until she actually tried to hit me while holding her youngest. That was enough for human services to step in. From there, it was a battle with CPS. They did remove her, placed her with me, and now she's got an older sibling.
00:04:24.603 --> 00:04:31.473
The one daughter ended up going to the older sibling's grandparents house. But I've had her since she was three.
00:04:31.644 --> 00:05:04.947
And that was from filing a grievance and then going above CPS and filing with the state department of Health and Human Services. There's a huge flaw in the system. They say they want to reconnect with family, but that's not exactly what they always do. I fought really hard to get her, and I would have gotten both of them, but the father got out of prison for the older granddaughter. So at that point, they turned around and gave her back to the father. There was a lot of circumstances.
00:05:05.036 --> 00:05:53.624
My sister got ripped away from the one I have. Her sister disappeared for a while. I retrieved her, got custody of her through another state. Once I found her after missing for three months, the same county that I've dealt with with the youngest decided that they're not going to recognize out of state court papers and ripped her sibling away from her once again. They gave back the father his rights after fleeing the state with her and a 15 year old and allowed him to give parental rights over to his parents. At that point, I actually decided I want to go back to school because I was done with the way they handled the situation, and I just did what I needed to get my youngest granddaughter.
00:05:54.593 --> 00:06:02.009
Mom hasn't really been in the picture a whole lot, and now she's gone. When was your daughter killed?
00:06:02.161 --> 00:06:08.533
How long ago did that happen? It was a year, April 2. So you had custody of your granddaughter during that time? Yes.
00:06:09.514 --> 00:06:24.153
Yeah. She would reach out. I would allow her visits. I had to be supervised. It would have to be at my parents house. I don't even know what year it was because she's ten now, but I would allow visits at my parents house. I would allow her to see her when I'm present.
00:06:25.134 --> 00:06:28.894
I just felt that it was the safest way for her to see her.
00:06:28.934 --> 00:06:51.403
But I also had hoped that if I was lenient with having overnights at my parents house, that maybe that was enough to get her to get clean. It would go for months not seeing her, to constantly reaching out and when she would constantly reach out, that's when I would give in and cave in a little bit and say, okay, but these are my conditions.
00:06:53.064 --> 00:06:56.444
I think the longest you went was almost a year without seeing her daughter.
00:06:58.663 --> 00:07:16.543
You know, she did have high hopes on eventually getting her kids back. And, you know, when you have a child that's addicted, it makes it really hard because I looked at it. Every day you're alive is a day there's hope.
00:07:17.603 --> 00:07:20.783
And they took that from me when they took her.
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So there's a part of me that feels like there's no hope.
00:07:26.644 --> 00:07:37.184
My hope is gone. That's got to be really hard. It is for her daughter. I think the hardest part is that she loved her mom so much, so everything her mom did was okay.
00:07:38.384 --> 00:07:56.923
Kids don't see the flaw when it comes to their parents, because their parents can't do anything wrong with my granddaughter. My daughter actually told her, I am the reason why she's not with her. I am the reason why she's not with her sister. And ultimately, yes, it's right.
00:07:57.264 --> 00:08:12.187
It's the truth. I am that reason. But I do what I had to to protect her. But now she's gone, so she can't fix what was already said. So I have a lot of anger from my ten year old granddaughter right now.
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A lot of it.
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Death changes the realities that we experience.
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Yes, it does. You're coping with also trying to solve the death of your daughter now, correct? Yeah.
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Have you made progress with that? Not really. I have a long ways to go.
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It was consuming me to the point I had to stop for a while.
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I had to give myself some time to heal and to focus on my kids and my family at home.
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I recently stepped down on my position as a paralegal, president of my association through my school. So I'm waiting for the next president to get elected so that I can kind of get back to what I need to do for me. How will resolving the death of your daughter help you? It'll give me more closure. I want to prove it to everybody what exactly happened. And if I can expose the truth, maybe more people will stop thinking that their kids committed suicide when it was an accidental overdose or even if it was an overdose on purpose. So many people are overdosing, they are hanging them to make it look like suicide before they're dead. I guess the hardest part is that she was still alive when she was hung. She was unresponsive from the fentanyl that was found in her system. I want to be able to prevent that, because it doesn't matter if your child's on drugs or not. Still your child. It's still somebody's child.
00:10:06.563 --> 00:10:38.693
I'm angry. The drugs make me angry. I try to have sympathy, and sometimes it overtakes with anger because I understand that they can't quit. But I also understand you can quit. You have a choice, and there is help out there, but there's not enough help. And if I can prove my daughter's case, then maybe I can go to the representatives and say right here, we need more for these kids.
00:10:39.994 --> 00:10:51.124
I understand that you've become an advocate for other young people. Yes. I go out of my comfort zone when it comes to trying to protect kids.
00:10:51.984 --> 00:10:55.563
Not just drug abuse, but sexual assaults.
00:10:56.104 --> 00:11:08.364
I want to do what I can to help other kids, teach them that they can come forward no matter what it is. They got to learn to be survivors.
00:11:09.403 --> 00:12:01.043
And if I can help change one kid, it's worth it. Have you found that has made a difference in any of the young people that you have worked with? There was just an incident at our school district where two children were arrested for sexual assault. And I was able to have another girl come forward and expose everything she knows. I went to a school board meeting requesting that as a parent, there should have been something that has gone out about whether or not our kids may have seen a graphic video or if our kids are victims. And at that point, when they refused to do anything and they refused to listen to their own counselors, they refused to tell their own teachers, none of the teachers, none of the staff were told about the incident.
00:12:01.464 --> 00:13:10.724
And so I ended up contacting two of the local news stations who met me at the town board that night. And they aired a small clipping of my conversation in the school. And I was not requesting them to acknowledge who these kids are. I was not questioning them to acknowledge what exactly happened. But I felt that you need to let parents, caregivers, your teachers, your staff know that there was an incident, that there is potential graphic video, and that we should be checking with our kids to make sure they are not victims of any sort. It doesn't matter if you're a victim of bullying, sexual abuse, if you've seen videos or you were exposed to. It doesn't matter what kind of abuse, if they are exposed, we need to help them. I understand that coping with the grief that you're dealing with right now is extremely challenging. What other challenges do you feel that you faced as a grandparent raising a grandchild? It gets really difficult because my granddaughter looks almost identical to her mom. Her behavior, her attitude.
00:13:11.063 --> 00:13:35.984
She was young when I got her, but she was exposed. She was exposed at a young age. I see a lot of the same characteristics, which is concerning. I get irritated when I see the poor behaviors and I get flashbacks of my own daughter. It scares me, it upsets me and I'm trying to do the best I can, but there's a part of me that I want to walk away. I'm tired.
00:13:36.884 --> 00:14:21.234
I am exhausted. And she's really brutal and mean to me. Not physically right now, but very verbal and very emotional. And she's ten. She's only ten. I've had her in therapy for quite some time. You know, they have her on meds now. I'm very fussy and picky. I don't want them to misdiagnose her because I don't want to go down the same road I did with my oldest daughter. I know that we as grandparents who are coping with children that have struggled are triggered oftentimes by the things that they do that remind us of what our children did.
00:14:22.333 --> 00:14:25.878
Anything that's helped you, I think she's.
00:14:25.926 --> 00:14:37.158
Never fully diagnosed yet, so I do feel that there could be some autism in there. She is smart in her own way, but she can't comprehend the simple things.
00:14:37.326 --> 00:14:50.956
She doesn't know how to play like a kid should play. That makes it really difficult. I don't know that we really did. Any major breakthroughs besides a little bit of the coping and self control with the violence?
00:14:51.059 --> 00:15:35.234
The violence has gone down dramatically. She talks a lot lately about she never asked to be born, she didn't ask her mom to have her. So I feel like right now we're going backwards and I don't know if it's due to school coming to an end for summer or is it the medications not working right, a lot of work, a lot of appointments and not giving up. For me, I don't know if I really had any breakthroughs. I feel like I struggle all the time. I recently took a trip for my school with my youngest daughter and we were gone for about two weeks.
00:15:35.894 --> 00:15:39.350
So I didn't see my granddaughter for eleven days.
00:15:39.461 --> 00:15:46.354
And for me that was the first time in a really long time that I didn't think about my daughter.
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I didn't think about or be upset every day because my mornings suck. As soon as I say good morning, you want to get your clothes. It's attitudes to be able to take this trip as exhausting as it was being on the go, it was good because I didn't have to dwell. But as soon as I came home, I have my oldest daughter on my mind. Every day I wake up, it is on my mind. I go on because I have to. I raise her because I need to.
00:16:21.364 --> 00:16:35.104
I don't have to. I could turn her back over, but I need to. I need to help her. For many of us, trying to leave a greater legacy, giving them some realization that they don't need to do it the way their parents did.
00:16:36.094 --> 00:16:47.374
Important. How's the rest of your family coping? For the most part, good. My oldest daughter, she wasn't really close with the other siblings. She wasn't really around.
00:16:47.494 --> 00:17:23.513
And the drug and alcohol issue was a really long time in mental health. I did use that as a teaching lesson for the youngest three at home. I've had six kids. In the first three, I didn't do a great job, but my youngest three, I did the best I could. I had a steady, stable life. But I myself have been clean. It'll be 18 years or no, it'll be 19 years, July 31 that I've been off cocaine and hard alcohol.
00:17:24.574 --> 00:17:35.758
So I've been there, but I use it as a good excuse, you know, for my kids. My youngest daughter went through a relationship and didn't take it very well, and I actually had a slam on the brakes.
00:17:35.806 --> 00:17:53.673
I'm like, this is enough. I needed her to realize it wasn't a healthy relationship, and she did, and she is happy as can be. She's got a wonderful boyfriend now. She's 18 years old, and she's got a great head on her shoulder. I think we all have to go through something in life.
00:17:54.933 --> 00:17:58.153
They don't get along very well with my granddaughter.
00:17:59.394 --> 00:18:02.894
She likes to overstep her boundaries and go in the rooms all the time.
00:18:03.193 --> 00:18:13.773
My youngest son is 16, and he stepped up the plate a little bit more where he got a lot more respect for each other. She's kind of given him his space, so that kind of helps.
00:18:14.314 --> 00:18:26.384
But there's a lot of jealousy with the two girls because I do have to have a lot of time with the youngest, with the granddaughter, so it makes it difficult for my youngest daughter.
00:18:30.723 --> 00:18:48.743
How important do you think honesty plays a part in communicating your past or some of the hard details with your granddaughter and your other children? I know with the other children, I think it was a big impact with my granddaughter, she's manipulative.
00:18:49.884 --> 00:18:53.584
She takes what you say and will use it against you.
00:18:54.624 --> 00:19:05.604
I've caught her actually trying to slap herself in the face and tell me she's going to say, I did it. Now she's ten years old. This is not behavior a typical ten year old does.
00:19:06.183 --> 00:19:09.923
It's very alarming because we're not in our teens yet.
00:19:10.584 --> 00:19:28.903
Am I terrified? Absolutely. But I'm also being proactive. I've done everything I can get in her counseling, making sure I'm advocating, but also trying to hold her accountable. I know I am a lot more lenient than I used to be.
00:19:29.723 --> 00:19:55.183
My kids tell me all the time, you need to spank her. I'm like, it doesn't work that way. But it's, you know, a lot of taking the tv away. She's very verbal, so a lot of times I will just walk away. She does not know how to socialize with kids, so trying to teach her what kids are expecting and what it takes to be a friend is really challenging right now.
00:19:56.923 --> 00:20:03.784
How has this affected your personal life, your marriage, your social life?
00:20:05.163 --> 00:20:08.144
I don't really do much of a social life.
00:20:09.084 --> 00:20:34.473
I just think it's easier not to deal with more dramatic. My husband's been, for the most part, really amazing with it. He did have a little bit towards the beginning where he's like, you know, you got to stop crying over this and we need to keep moving. And I blew up. It wasn't your kid, so don't tell me what to do. But otherwise, he's been really supportive. He trusts me.
00:20:35.294 --> 00:20:42.673
He does understand that I've got to do what I need to to help me with the granddaughter.
00:20:42.713 --> 00:21:00.653
She's starting to finally talk back to him. Usually she didn't talk back to him at all. She's always been really clingy to males. Now she's finally where. She's starting to talk back a little bit, so it gets a little difficult. But he will actually start crying and hug her and say, I need to do right for you.
00:21:02.354 --> 00:21:08.814
We owe this to your mom. Positive experiences that you feel have come from this whole situation.
00:21:10.314 --> 00:21:15.534
I think the most positive part is now there will be more consistency.
00:21:18.074 --> 00:21:26.574
Is there really any positive that comes out of my daughter dying? No. Can it get any worse than the pain from taking your child?
00:21:29.713 --> 00:21:43.084
She asks a lot about the future. She asks me a lot about, you know, if I think she'll pass elementary, do I think she'll pass middle school, do I think she'll get past high school? Do you think I'll be able to go to college, Granny? Because that's what she calls me.
00:21:43.124 --> 00:21:46.700
I'm always Granny. Everybody else is grandma. I'm granny.
00:21:46.852 --> 00:21:57.463
And I always tell her, you're going to be able to do what you put your heart to. And yes, I do think you're going to pass elementary. I do think you're going to pass high school.
00:21:58.144 --> 00:22:12.564
And I do think you'll do great in college if that's what you want to do. So she does look at a lot of stuff in the future. It's just from now until then, that's the hard part.
00:22:13.384 --> 00:22:42.344
She says she wanted to do a 911 operator, and I encourage her. I said it would be a great job. But I also need to tell you, you have to make better decisions because you cannot have a record. What does that mean, Granny? And so I explained to her that means not getting in trouble, so you don't get in trouble by the cops and you don't end up going to jail. I said, so you have to make good decisions if you want a good job.
00:22:43.284 --> 00:23:01.604
Thanks for your time. Nicole. Many grandparents can relate to your story. What we're going through is hard. What you're going through is hard. It's very difficult. I think it was really hard at first, knowing that everybody else had moms or dads and she didn't have a mom or dad at school. She just had Granny.
00:23:01.943 --> 00:23:12.443
But trying to teach her that there's a lot more kids that have their grandma or their grandpa and don't have their parents, I think is really important.
00:23:13.784 --> 00:23:16.243
It's sad that it's becoming a new normal.
00:23:17.544 --> 00:23:36.763
We're like parents. We may not be your mom and dad, but we are taking care of you just like a mom and dad would. I think kids need to be understanding of that, and the kids that we raise need to understand that it's okay and not to feel ashamed or embarrassed.
00:23:38.223 --> 00:23:59.384
Teach them to be proud and brag that I have loving grandparents that are taking care of me. I hope that you get the respite that you need and continue to do that. It's important for all of us. I'm not going to give up. Thanks for your time. You're welcome. Thank you for inviting me.
00:24:00.644 --> 00:24:07.663
I wish there were more people like Nicole dedicated to fighting for our children and grandchildren against victimization.
00:24:08.364 --> 00:24:26.534
The opioid epidemic is a major factor behind the increasing number of children and grandchildren affected by loss and instability. Currently, around 2.7 million grandparents in the United States are raising their grandchildren, a number that continues to grow.
00:24:27.074 --> 00:24:37.933
This means that about one in ten grandparents are stepping in to provide essential support, playing a crucial role in maintaining family stability and child welfare.
00:24:38.753 --> 00:24:55.624
Thanks so much for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity I encourage you to share your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.
00:24:56.003 --> 00:24:59.663
Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information.
00:25:00.243 --> 00:26:02.983
Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. If you enjoyed this show, please share it with a friend. If you love the show and you're listening on a broadcasting platform like Apple or Spotify, scroll down in your app and please leave a review. Get ready for our next episode featuring Nicholeen Peck, a remarkable mother of four and former foster parent to numerous troubled teens. Join us as Nicholeen shares the secrets behind her family's remarkable success in nurturing these challenging youths. Discover how their approach, rooted in calmness, the principles of self government, and effective communication, transformed the lives of those in their care. Don't miss this insightful episode, packed with invaluable wisdom and practical advice from a true expert in parenting and fostering troubled teens.
00:26:03.903 --> 00:26:26.983
Thanks for tuning in to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you, and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.
00:00:00.719 --> 00:00:25.074
Are your days consumed by clashes with grandchildren who curse your presence while you're sacrificing vacations, social time, and that new dress you really wanted for your birthday this year? Feel the sting of resentment in their voice when your grandchild tells you they wish they had a mom and dad to come to their parent teacher conferences like all the other kids.
00:00:25.634 --> 00:00:32.613
All the while, you're seeking closure for the unfathomable pain of losing a child.
00:00:33.713 --> 00:01:33.694
Join us for today's eye opening episode, what no one tells you after the death of a child welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma, and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.
00:01:35.993 --> 00:01:53.924
We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.
00:01:55.024 --> 00:02:04.364
Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.
00:02:11.824 --> 00:02:48.403
I experienced the devastating loss of my only son, and the unanswered questionings surrounding his death haunt me to this day. Today I introduce my next guest, Nicole Strack, a mother of six who has taken on the role of raising her ten year old granddaughter since she was three. Just a year ago, from the time this interview was conducted, she faced the heart wrenching loss of her daughter, whose battle with addiction ended in a tragedy with no clear explanation. Was it suicide? Was it murder?
00:02:49.144 --> 00:03:29.484
Was it an accidental death? Nicole grapples with the agonizing uncertainty, living through every parent's worst nightmare. Yet from her pain, she has emerged as a beacon of hope, dedicating herself to her granddaughter despite the struggles championing youth against all forms of trauma, bullying, sexual assault, and addiction, empowering them to become advocates against victimization. Join us as Nicole shares her journey of turning personal tragedy into a powerful force for change.
00:03:30.623 --> 00:04:24.483
Nicole, thanks for sharing your story with us. Why don't you tell us how you became a grandparent raising your grandchildren? My daughter was making bad decisions, and I couldn't get help for her. She would take the kids, she would drive. She'd be impaired. It wasn't enough for human services to step in unless she got pulled over with narcotics in her hands, taking it, there was nothing they could do. It got to the point where I had a call every single time that I felt that there was something wrong. And up until she actually tried to hit me while holding her youngest. That was enough for human services to step in. From there, it was a battle with CPS. They did remove her, placed her with me, and now she's got an older sibling.
00:04:24.603 --> 00:04:31.473
The one daughter ended up going to the older sibling's grandparents house. But I've had her since she was three.
00:04:31.644 --> 00:05:04.947
And that was from filing a grievance and then going above CPS and filing with the state department of Health and Human Services. There's a huge flaw in the system. They say they want to reconnect with family, but that's not exactly what they always do. I fought really hard to get her, and I would have gotten both of them, but the father got out of prison for the older granddaughter. So at that point, they turned around and gave her back to the father. There was a lot of circumstances.
00:05:05.036 --> 00:05:53.624
My sister got ripped away from the one I have. Her sister disappeared for a while. I retrieved her, got custody of her through another state. Once I found her after missing for three months, the same county that I've dealt with with the youngest decided that they're not going to recognize out of state court papers and ripped her sibling away from her once again. They gave back the father his rights after fleeing the state with her and a 15 year old and allowed him to give parental rights over to his parents. At that point, I actually decided I want to go back to school because I was done with the way they handled the situation, and I just did what I needed to get my youngest granddaughter.
00:05:54.593 --> 00:06:02.009
Mom hasn't really been in the picture a whole lot, and now she's gone. When was your daughter killed?
00:06:02.161 --> 00:06:08.533
How long ago did that happen? It was a year, April 2. So you had custody of your granddaughter during that time? Yes.
00:06:09.514 --> 00:06:24.153
Yeah. She would reach out. I would allow her visits. I had to be supervised. It would have to be at my parents house. I don't even know what year it was because she's ten now, but I would allow visits at my parents house. I would allow her to see her when I'm present.
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I just felt that it was the safest way for her to see her.
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But I also had hoped that if I was lenient with having overnights at my parents house, that maybe that was enough to get her to get clean. It would go for months not seeing her, to constantly reaching out and when she would constantly reach out, that's when I would give in and cave in a little bit and say, okay, but these are my conditions.
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I think the longest you went was almost a year without seeing her daughter.
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You know, she did have high hopes on eventually getting her kids back. And, you know, when you have a child that's addicted, it makes it really hard because I looked at it. Every day you're alive is a day there's hope.
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And they took that from me when they took her.
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So there's a part of me that feels like there's no hope.
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My hope is gone. That's got to be really hard. It is for her daughter. I think the hardest part is that she loved her mom so much, so everything her mom did was okay.
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Kids don't see the flaw when it comes to their parents, because their parents can't do anything wrong with my granddaughter. My daughter actually told her, I am the reason why she's not with her. I am the reason why she's not with her sister. And ultimately, yes, it's right.
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It's the truth. I am that reason. But I do what I had to to protect her. But now she's gone, so she can't fix what was already said. So I have a lot of anger from my ten year old granddaughter right now.
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A lot of it.
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Death changes the realities that we experience.
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Yes, it does. You're coping with also trying to solve the death of your daughter now, correct? Yeah.
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Have you made progress with that? Not really. I have a long ways to go.
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It was consuming me to the point I had to stop for a while.
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I had to give myself some time to heal and to focus on my kids and my family at home.
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I recently stepped down on my position as a paralegal, president of my association through my school. So I'm waiting for the next president to get elected so that I can kind of get back to what I need to do for me. How will resolving the death of your daughter help you? It'll give me more closure. I want to prove it to everybody what exactly happened. And if I can expose the truth, maybe more people will stop thinking that their kids committed suicide when it was an accidental overdose or even if it was an overdose on purpose. So many people are overdosing, they are hanging them to make it look like suicide before they're dead. I guess the hardest part is that she was still alive when she was hung. She was unresponsive from the fentanyl that was found in her system. I want to be able to prevent that, because it doesn't matter if your child's on drugs or not. Still your child. It's still somebody's child.
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I'm angry. The drugs make me angry. I try to have sympathy, and sometimes it overtakes with anger because I understand that they can't quit. But I also understand you can quit. You have a choice, and there is help out there, but there's not enough help. And if I can prove my daughter's case, then maybe I can go to the representatives and say right here, we need more for these kids.
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I understand that you've become an advocate for other young people. Yes. I go out of my comfort zone when it comes to trying to protect kids.
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Not just drug abuse, but sexual assaults.
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I want to do what I can to help other kids, teach them that they can come forward no matter what it is. They got to learn to be survivors.
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And if I can help change one kid, it's worth it. Have you found that has made a difference in any of the young people that you have worked with? There was just an incident at our school district where two children were arrested for sexual assault. And I was able to have another girl come forward and expose everything she knows. I went to a school board meeting requesting that as a parent, there should have been something that has gone out about whether or not our kids may have seen a graphic video or if our kids are victims. And at that point, when they refused to do anything and they refused to listen to their own counselors, they refused to tell their own teachers, none of the teachers, none of the staff were told about the incident.
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And so I ended up contacting two of the local news stations who met me at the town board that night. And they aired a small clipping of my conversation in the school. And I was not requesting them to acknowledge who these kids are. I was not questioning them to acknowledge what exactly happened. But I felt that you need to let parents, caregivers, your teachers, your staff know that there was an incident, that there is potential graphic video, and that we should be checking with our kids to make sure they are not victims of any sort. It doesn't matter if you're a victim of bullying, sexual abuse, if you've seen videos or you were exposed to. It doesn't matter what kind of abuse, if they are exposed, we need to help them. I understand that coping with the grief that you're dealing with right now is extremely challenging. What other challenges do you feel that you faced as a grandparent raising a grandchild? It gets really difficult because my granddaughter looks almost identical to her mom. Her behavior, her attitude.
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She was young when I got her, but she was exposed. She was exposed at a young age. I see a lot of the same characteristics, which is concerning. I get irritated when I see the poor behaviors and I get flashbacks of my own daughter. It scares me, it upsets me and I'm trying to do the best I can, but there's a part of me that I want to walk away. I'm tired.
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I am exhausted. And she's really brutal and mean to me. Not physically right now, but very verbal and very emotional. And she's ten. She's only ten. I've had her in therapy for quite some time. You know, they have her on meds now. I'm very fussy and picky. I don't want them to misdiagnose her because I don't want to go down the same road I did with my oldest daughter. I know that we as grandparents who are coping with children that have struggled are triggered oftentimes by the things that they do that remind us of what our children did.
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Anything that's helped you, I think she's.
00:14:25.926 --> 00:14:37.158
Never fully diagnosed yet, so I do feel that there could be some autism in there. She is smart in her own way, but she can't comprehend the simple things.
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She doesn't know how to play like a kid should play. That makes it really difficult. I don't know that we really did. Any major breakthroughs besides a little bit of the coping and self control with the violence?
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The violence has gone down dramatically. She talks a lot lately about she never asked to be born, she didn't ask her mom to have her. So I feel like right now we're going backwards and I don't know if it's due to school coming to an end for summer or is it the medications not working right, a lot of work, a lot of appointments and not giving up. For me, I don't know if I really had any breakthroughs. I feel like I struggle all the time. I recently took a trip for my school with my youngest daughter and we were gone for about two weeks.
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So I didn't see my granddaughter for eleven days.
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And for me that was the first time in a really long time that I didn't think about my daughter.
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I didn't think about or be upset every day because my mornings suck. As soon as I say good morning, you want to get your clothes. It's attitudes to be able to take this trip as exhausting as it was being on the go, it was good because I didn't have to dwell. But as soon as I came home, I have my oldest daughter on my mind. Every day I wake up, it is on my mind. I go on because I have to. I raise her because I need to.
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I don't have to. I could turn her back over, but I need to. I need to help her. For many of us, trying to leave a greater legacy, giving them some realization that they don't need to do it the way their parents did.
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Important. How's the rest of your family coping? For the most part, good. My oldest daughter, she wasn't really close with the other siblings. She wasn't really around.
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And the drug and alcohol issue was a really long time in mental health. I did use that as a teaching lesson for the youngest three at home. I've had six kids. In the first three, I didn't do a great job, but my youngest three, I did the best I could. I had a steady, stable life. But I myself have been clean. It'll be 18 years or no, it'll be 19 years, July 31 that I've been off cocaine and hard alcohol.
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So I've been there, but I use it as a good excuse, you know, for my kids. My youngest daughter went through a relationship and didn't take it very well, and I actually had a slam on the brakes.
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I'm like, this is enough. I needed her to realize it wasn't a healthy relationship, and she did, and she is happy as can be. She's got a wonderful boyfriend now. She's 18 years old, and she's got a great head on her shoulder. I think we all have to go through something in life.
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They don't get along very well with my granddaughter.
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She likes to overstep her boundaries and go in the rooms all the time.
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My youngest son is 16, and he stepped up the plate a little bit more where he got a lot more respect for each other. She's kind of given him his space, so that kind of helps.
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But there's a lot of jealousy with the two girls because I do have to have a lot of time with the youngest, with the granddaughter, so it makes it difficult for my youngest daughter.
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How important do you think honesty plays a part in communicating your past or some of the hard details with your granddaughter and your other children? I know with the other children, I think it was a big impact with my granddaughter, she's manipulative.
00:18:49.884 --> 00:18:53.584
She takes what you say and will use it against you.
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I've caught her actually trying to slap herself in the face and tell me she's going to say, I did it. Now she's ten years old. This is not behavior a typical ten year old does.
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It's very alarming because we're not in our teens yet.
00:19:10.584 --> 00:19:28.903
Am I terrified? Absolutely. But I'm also being proactive. I've done everything I can get in her counseling, making sure I'm advocating, but also trying to hold her accountable. I know I am a lot more lenient than I used to be.
00:19:29.723 --> 00:19:55.183
My kids tell me all the time, you need to spank her. I'm like, it doesn't work that way. But it's, you know, a lot of taking the tv away. She's very verbal, so a lot of times I will just walk away. She does not know how to socialize with kids, so trying to teach her what kids are expecting and what it takes to be a friend is really challenging right now.
00:19:56.923 --> 00:20:03.784
How has this affected your personal life, your marriage, your social life?
00:20:05.163 --> 00:20:08.144
I don't really do much of a social life.
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I just think it's easier not to deal with more dramatic. My husband's been, for the most part, really amazing with it. He did have a little bit towards the beginning where he's like, you know, you got to stop crying over this and we need to keep moving. And I blew up. It wasn't your kid, so don't tell me what to do. But otherwise, he's been really supportive. He trusts me.
00:20:35.294 --> 00:20:42.673
He does understand that I've got to do what I need to to help me with the granddaughter.
00:20:42.713 --> 00:21:00.653
She's starting to finally talk back to him. Usually she didn't talk back to him at all. She's always been really clingy to males. Now she's finally where. She's starting to talk back a little bit, so it gets a little difficult. But he will actually start crying and hug her and say, I need to do right for you.
00:21:02.354 --> 00:21:08.814
We owe this to your mom. Positive experiences that you feel have come from this whole situation.
00:21:10.314 --> 00:21:15.534
I think the most positive part is now there will be more consistency.
00:21:18.074 --> 00:21:26.574
Is there really any positive that comes out of my daughter dying? No. Can it get any worse than the pain from taking your child?
00:21:29.713 --> 00:21:43.084
She asks a lot about the future. She asks me a lot about, you know, if I think she'll pass elementary, do I think she'll pass middle school, do I think she'll get past high school? Do you think I'll be able to go to college, Granny? Because that's what she calls me.
00:21:43.124 --> 00:21:46.700
I'm always Granny. Everybody else is grandma. I'm granny.
00:21:46.852 --> 00:21:57.463
And I always tell her, you're going to be able to do what you put your heart to. And yes, I do think you're going to pass elementary. I do think you're going to pass high school.
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And I do think you'll do great in college if that's what you want to do. So she does look at a lot of stuff in the future. It's just from now until then, that's the hard part.
00:22:13.384 --> 00:22:42.344
She says she wanted to do a 911 operator, and I encourage her. I said it would be a great job. But I also need to tell you, you have to make better decisions because you cannot have a record. What does that mean, Granny? And so I explained to her that means not getting in trouble, so you don't get in trouble by the cops and you don't end up going to jail. I said, so you have to make good decisions if you want a good job.
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Thanks for your time. Nicole. Many grandparents can relate to your story. What we're going through is hard. What you're going through is hard. It's very difficult. I think it was really hard at first, knowing that everybody else had moms or dads and she didn't have a mom or dad at school. She just had Granny.
00:23:01.943 --> 00:23:12.443
But trying to teach her that there's a lot more kids that have their grandma or their grandpa and don't have their parents, I think is really important.
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It's sad that it's becoming a new normal.
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We're like parents. We may not be your mom and dad, but we are taking care of you just like a mom and dad would. I think kids need to be understanding of that, and the kids that we raise need to understand that it's okay and not to feel ashamed or embarrassed.
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Teach them to be proud and brag that I have loving grandparents that are taking care of me. I hope that you get the respite that you need and continue to do that. It's important for all of us. I'm not going to give up. Thanks for your time. You're welcome. Thank you for inviting me.
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I wish there were more people like Nicole dedicated to fighting for our children and grandchildren against victimization.
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The opioid epidemic is a major factor behind the increasing number of children and grandchildren affected by loss and instability. Currently, around 2.7 million grandparents in the United States are raising their grandchildren, a number that continues to grow.
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This means that about one in ten grandparents are stepping in to provide essential support, playing a crucial role in maintaining family stability and child welfare.
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Thanks so much for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity I encourage you to share your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.
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Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information.
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Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. If you enjoyed this show, please share it with a friend. If you love the show and you're listening on a broadcasting platform like Apple or Spotify, scroll down in your app and please leave a review. Get ready for our next episode featuring Nicholeen Peck, a remarkable mother of four and former foster parent to numerous troubled teens. Join us as Nicholeen shares the secrets behind her family's remarkable success in nurturing these challenging youths. Discover how their approach, rooted in calmness, the principles of self government, and effective communication, transformed the lives of those in their care. Don't miss this insightful episode, packed with invaluable wisdom and practical advice from a true expert in parenting and fostering troubled teens.
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Thanks for tuning in to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you, and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.
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