Understanding Self-Government with Nicholeen Peck

WEBVTT

00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:41.213
Do you struggle with a grandchild who has difficult behavioral disorders? Do you live with out of control teenagers? Do you wish you could be the one in control instead of the child? And stay calm while you're talking to your grandchildren? Well, you can't miss this next episode with Nicholeen Peck, worldwide parenting phenomenon and leader. Her proven system based upon calmness, the principles of self government, and good communication, transforms even the most out of control teenagers and turns homes from chaos to calm within days. Stay tuned for understanding self government with Nicholeen Peck.

00:00:45.393 --> 00:01:34.054
Welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grand grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma, and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

00:01:36.353 --> 00:01:54.293
We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

00:01:55.463 --> 00:02:04.763
Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

00:02:12.503 --> 00:02:58.503
I spent months after I first got my children trying to break down all of the various issues that were involved from coping with their behavioral disorders, coping with how it affected my life, my marriage, my relationship with my husband. And I knew that there had to be a way to come up with a system in which, out of love, we could all cope with this better. A very dear friend shared with me the YouTube videos of Nicholeen Peck, and for the first time, I saw a glimmer of hope.

00:02:58.663 --> 00:03:08.924
These children are coping with much different issues than our children did, and it brings up a lot of stuff, let's just put it that way.

00:03:09.663 --> 00:03:20.569
Nicholeen's system works. It can be challenging, challenging to change our words and our behaviors. But Nicholeen shows us a way in which we can do that.

00:03:20.602 --> 00:03:26.653
So I hope you'll tune in for this episode, and I look forward to hearing your comments.

00:03:28.033 --> 00:03:39.105
I'm back with Nicholeen Peck. This week we're going to be talking specifically about understanding the teaching self government program that she has developed.

00:03:39.250 --> 00:04:32.684
Nicholeen has been teaching people around the world the principles of self government since 1999, and in 2009, Nicholeen and her family were featured in a 1 hour BBC documentary about parenting. She's also appeared on various new shows and radio programs to discuss effective parenting. She's a popular public speaker, author of the books parenting a house united and some children's books, which my children absolutely love. Many magazine articles and a blog and a podcast on teaching self government. Nicholeen, tell us about being a mother of four and how teaching self government started. Yeah. Well, I will say one thing that's important that you missed, at least for this podcast, and that is I'm a grandmother of three, so that's good, right?

00:04:34.144 --> 00:05:39.992
I'll call myself a young grandmother because my grandbabies are still kind of young, but, oh, they are a joy. I never planned on doing any of this. I'm just gonna say that straight out. I didn't plan on being an author, a speaker. I didn't plan on YouTube and podcasts and all the things that I have been doing over the years now recently. And I certainly didn't plan on all the travel and the consultation with all the different people around the world that I had. What happened was, when I was a young mom, when my oldest was three, and so I have two boys, two girls, and then for my grandchildren, I have two girls and one boy. When my oldest was three and my second was one year old, I decided that I needed to take on doing treatment, foster care. And the reason why was because I had worked really hard. I went to school in psychology and special education and stuff, and I was actually a counselor at a funeral home for a while. And then I kept trying to pull away from that because I wanted to spend time with my children. I really wanted to be an at home mom.

00:05:40.168 --> 00:05:51.079
And so finally we moved out of the city where we were living, and we moved to a place where I wouldn't have to go into the office, into the funeral home anymore.

00:05:51.271 --> 00:05:54.603
And anyway, at that point, my husband lost his job.

00:05:55.024 --> 00:07:13.370
I was like, oh, no. And so he ended up going back to school, and we had just built this new house, and it was like, oh, no, now what are we going to do? So I really felt like the answer was, well, I'll bring in therapy kids, you know, therapeutic treatment care children. So I brought in youth therapeutic treatment care children into my home. We did that for a number of years. And then there was someone who found out about us, and they were doing this BBC documentary called the World's strictest parents. Now, people started asking me if I would talk about what I was doing parenting wise, really soon, because they would see these really hard teens come to my house. They were kind of, you know, and they were into drugs and had lots of addictions and failed relationships. And most of them were neurodiverse as well, with multiple things like ADHD and OdD and Rad and Fas and kleptomania and compulsive lying. They were. They were high level, and all of them had honesty issues just about as well. And people would see these children change, and they're like, what are you doing? Come talk at our church. Come talk at our PTA group. Come talk at our, you know, and they would be asking me to come do these things. And then the BBC found out about me. Someone had referred them to me, and they asked me to be on this program called the world's strictest parents back in 2009.

00:07:13.482 --> 00:07:28.274
And I did not really want to do that. I felt like it would be, you never know what's going to happen on the cutting room floor to your family, you know? And so we were a little nervous about that. But I'm actually a prayerful person.

00:07:28.353 --> 00:07:40.177
I prayed about it and decided, actually, that it was meant to be. Maybe we could help people. So we did it, and then, boom, it became their most watched episode ever that they'd ever had on the BBC.

00:07:40.225 --> 00:07:43.769
It was this huge sensation. They were selling it all over the world.

00:07:43.841 --> 00:08:44.894
People were asking me for books and all this stuff, and suddenly I was like, oh, whoa. I mean, it's a good thing I already started the book that people have been asking for furlough these many years. So for a good ten years? Well, I guess it was about eight years before I gave anybody anything. I had an audio seminar that I gave them eight years in. And at the ten year mark, I finally had the book done right after the BBC show, the main book, which is parenting a house united. And then after that came all of the other things. But then, you know, the World Congress is asking me to speak the United nations. I've spoken there many, many times to try to consult with them about family issues and to try to help protect parental rights and families and children there. And then with global leaders, all different religions, just talking to them, you know, being invited to go and to train them and to train some of their people that are trying to help people. And then all of the television programs and things like that, it's just been kind of a whirlwind, and it wasn't something that I ever wanted to do. I just. People. I was minding my own business, trying to be the best mom that I could be.

00:08:45.053 --> 00:09:06.634
And then when I took in these children, trying to be the best foster mom that I could be. And not just behavior modify them, which is important, but not all. They needed to have a change of heart. And so I decided I was going to teach them self government. Because when you learn self government, that means that you actually have a will to change yourself, and that means you have to have a change of heart.

00:09:08.203 --> 00:09:14.700
I know you probably want to talk more about self government. We can get more into that, but that's just a brief understanding.

00:09:14.851 --> 00:09:22.611
Well, that's a great understanding about how you developed the program and why. And I love knowing that background about you.

00:09:22.788 --> 00:09:32.464
I think that's wonderful. What's your hope at this point for what becomes of the program and how you want to help other people with it?

00:09:34.104 --> 00:09:41.124
You know, nobody usually asks me that, Laura, I like that question because this will be a unique thing to have on this podcast.

00:09:42.264 --> 00:10:30.405
Truthfully, if I were to say my greatest hope, it would be to free people from emotional bondage, because our society is absolutely embracing emotional bondage. We're even suggesting that that's the way to communicate. And I think a lot of the grandparents that listen to this could probably shake their heads, you know, yes, yes, when I say that, because a lot of their grandchildren are coming in with all of this emotional baggage, and it's like all the anxieties and all the, you know, all the worries and the fears, and they don't seem like the young people can live regular life like we know can exist for a person. And. But it's not just the children.

00:10:30.509 --> 00:10:42.076
The parents also are getting wrapped up in this baggage, this bondage that they're carrying around, that they're feeling like I can't because they are doing that to me.

00:10:42.139 --> 00:10:55.932
And everything is battle mentality in the home, and either they're going to take it and lie down and be a doormat, or they're going to fight, and they think that's their only options that they have, and it isn't. We can get back to principles.

00:10:56.028 --> 00:12:25.514
So I would love for people to learn the principles that lead to their freedom. So, you know, just a small thing, Laura. I want free people. I want our society to be. To be happy and free and joy. And I would love for the homes to be the healing place for society, because that's what they're meant to be, that they're supposed to be a place that that's different than everywhere else around the world. But we live in a time when devices, media, pop culture, are infiltrating our homes. And so we're not even fully safe there unless we know what to beat off. And people are like, well, then, am I gonna be weird? Can I be weird? What do I. Will my children be weird? Will my grandchildren be weird? You know? And people do not know what it means to have healthy, real conversations where you can disagree sometimes and still like each other and where you can follow somebody's instruction and not feel like your whole day ended because you had to clean your room or something like that. Yeah, this is a great subject because I did a survey while I was developing this show to learn about the psychographic of this community and what I found out. Some struggle, more or less, with finances. And yes, finances are oftentimes critical for families. They don't have enough money to buy food for their families.

00:12:27.474 --> 00:12:48.134
And the trauma that they're coping with about their own children while they're raising these children, that's a big one. But the most important issue is that they want to leave a greater legacy for their grandchildren. We want the issues of addiction.

00:12:50.153 --> 00:13:02.224
That. Have been carried in generations. Oftentimes we want the issues of abuse and neglect and many other issues, severe issues, to.

00:13:03.124 --> 00:13:24.104
We're giving up our retirement plans so that these children have a better life. And if we're being honest with ourselves, we know that nothing may come of the sacrifices that we're making that they may do and repeat what their parents did, because that's learned behavior. Right?

00:13:25.913 --> 00:13:33.293
So the greatest wish we have is that we can break those bonds for these children.

00:13:34.874 --> 00:15:26.889
That's the hope. And that, to me, aligns with the hope that you're speaking about. Yeah, that's beautiful, Laura, because I think there's also, as I've spoken to grandparents, there's also oftentimes this fear of, I raised those other children and they didn't turn out, and now I'm raising this other set. How do I do something different? How do I get a different result? You know? Now, number one, parents are, especially if they're humble and teachable parents, they're first to blame themselves. They're like, oh, this is all on me, you know? And I think we don't spend a ton of time there, but I think we can say, did we maybe make some mistakes? Maybe. But the one thing that I know is that everyone has a choice. It doesn't matter their story, it doesn't matter their trauma, their adversity, their whatever. They have a choice. You have a choice. Whether you're going to drop the subject about something that's plaguing your mind, that you're ruminating on, you have a choice. I have a choice whether I am going to yell at someone or not. I don't have to go to back brain. I don't. I can stay in front brain if I choose to. I have a choice. And self government is about that. So the definition of self government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation and possessing a knowledge of your own behaviors so that you can control them. So that means you understand cause and effect as it relates to your behaviors, and you understand yourself and where your weaknesses are and where you need to fix. Now, if you really want a different result, which is what we're talking about here, then self government is the solution. That is the principle. Because that is you saying, okay, what are my tendencies?

00:15:27.081 --> 00:15:56.053
What are my habits? What are the things that I have done? And being honest about that? Yeah. And are there new things that I can do? And you know what? I know grandparents who have said to me, Nicholeen, I have prayed. I have prayed that my brain will be able to do new tricks so that I can learn these words. And you know what? They can. And they do. It's incredible to see I'm living testimony to this.

00:15:56.433 --> 00:16:42.783
I sat at a conference this year, just this spring, and a woman came up to me, and I'd met her the year before. She had one grandchild that she was raising, and it was hard for her to know that her daughter had make mistakes. Well, this year she showed up and she was carrying a new baby, and she had tears in her eyes. I gave her a big hug and I said, oh, how are you doing? And I gave her a big hug and she just broke down in my arms. And she said, nicholeen, I was doing all that stuff for that one child. She said, and now I've taken in the other four because mama has been taken away and she just bust out crying. She said, I would never even be able to conceive, perceive that I could do this unless, well, that's where these skills.

00:16:44.004 --> 00:17:31.990
It's true that if you face those walls, the other side of the wall is there's so much more beauty. And I myself was a child that was used. So the triggers that have come up allow for me through the program to say, this is why I reacting this way. These are my consequences. And I can be honest and say, please forgive me, I'm going to do better next time. That is what has to happen for these bonds to be broken. They oftentimes don't come up. And when you go into retirement, what happens is, you know, we've survived. We've gotten through. We've raised our children.

00:17:32.061 --> 00:17:56.723
They're doing well or not, but you think you go into retirement, you're not coping with the difficult issues much anymore. You've removed all the complications of work and having to work with other people. You don't know, you're with your spouse or you're alone, but you make your life comfortable with as little intrusions and uncomfort as possible.

00:17:57.384 --> 00:18:08.470
And then you get these kids and it's all uncomfortable again, and all the triggers come up again. So when I give you. Oh, go ahead. I was gonna say. I was gonna give you another word. And.

00:18:08.541 --> 00:19:13.008
Because when we get older, we can actually have complete control over our environment. And when the children come, you're like, how do I control that? How do I control. So then what happens is people get grumpy and they start controlling. I'm sorry. You were gonna tell. So what you found. We're on the same track. That's what. That's what happens. That's what happened with us. And it forced us, has forced us to do some healing about our pasts in the process, and it strengthened our marriage because of it. It's difficult. Yes, it is difficult to talk about the things that you've put away. We've put them away for a reason. They're not things you want to remember, many of them. But it's part of the healing process. And that process teaches our grandchildren that we're all part of this. We're on the same level as they are. They're having to heal while we're healing at the same time.

00:19:13.096 --> 00:19:16.488
And that's what I wanted to explain about the hope.

00:19:16.655 --> 00:21:25.192
We're part of the hope, too. That's a difficult thing for a lot of older people to do. This is about healing our hearts, and this is about healing our children's hearts. And that is what has to happen before true progress happens. I've found that through this process that it's brought it back into our lives again. And I'm thankful for that. Well, that's fantastic. I was thinking you framing your whole existence, and that is such a brave thing to do. It's such a hard thing to do, to say, okay, I am going to take this, this chance, bring in these other people. I'm going to change me. I'm going to change them. And you're giving them these unspoken messages, like you mentioned, that you're set, you're teaching them you can always change. Right? It's an unspoken message. And when you're the grandparent that takes in your children. The unspoken message is family is that important? I will sacrifice for family, and you are so important and you are so loved that I would sacrifice for family. And they may not recognize that unspoken message when they're five, but when they are 25 or 35, they're going to say, holy cow. My grandparents, they sacrificed so much for me. They showed me how important family was and to never turn my back on family. And so there's just all these unspoken messages that you get to give your children because you are learning for yourself, too. Yes. That's great. Self government. It's beautiful. So bringing it back to self government, because I do want people to understand the program. Is there anything else that you want to say specifically about self government that we haven't covered in this conversation so far? Well, self government really is the recipe to freedom. So I'm, you know, from the United States. You are too. And our country, we are supposed to be a self governing nation. The whole reason that we broke away from our motherland when we did was because we weren't allowed to self govern.

00:21:25.357 --> 00:22:02.375
And so we're supposed to be self governing. And that goes back to the individual's ability to solve their problems. So when you're a self governing person or a self governing nation, then you are supposed to be able to be given the opportunity to solve your problems and the skills or the know how for solving your problems, and then that goes back to your family. So who trains the individual? Our prefrontal cortexes, which is what handles our problem solving, is not fully developed until we hit our middle twenties, you know, right around maybe 24, 25. So if that's the case, who's training it then? Who's helping us solve our problems?

00:22:02.440 --> 00:22:09.647
Whoever's raising us right, or our teachers, the people around us. So our parents, our grandparents, that's who's training us to solve our problems.

00:22:09.736 --> 00:22:39.268
So self government, which is the root of freedom, is actually born in the family. And when you as a grandparent, work on your own self government, this whole grandparenting parenting thing that you're doing actually becomes easier if you don't have to worry about you doing the thing that you're going to regret later because you've got your skills and your words to stick to your scripts. Because it's deliberate. That's another thing.

00:22:39.355 --> 00:22:58.057
It's assertive. That means it's not reactive in any way. It's planned. It's deliberate. So it's on purpose. I say, I'm going to say this in this circumstance. These are your options for how you get to handle it. It's calm as well. In fact, I have on my website, teachingselfgovernment.com.

00:22:58.105 --> 00:24:01.859
i actually have a free calm parenting toolkit that people could go to if they went to the homepage. In no way is it the full teaching self government training, but it's a great start to help with calmness for your own self government. Because if there's one thing that I know, it's you have to be a step ahead of the person you're training. That doesn't mean you have to be perfect at your self government yet, but you at least need to know where you're going. You need to know what you're working on, what you're conquering. Then you can train the other people behind you with confidence. Actually, because of that, I learned when I was 13 how to say okay and be okay when I wasn't getting along with my parents. And I had someone who said to me, did you know that if you would just choose to say okay and be okay every time they tell you to do something or not to do something, that your whole life will change, your relationships will change, you'll probably get more things your way. And I didn't believe them, but I put it to the test and they were right. And after that, I knew I'd found a truth, a principle that I had to live by. And so everything is based on that.

00:24:01.892 --> 00:24:12.584
That I can choose. That you can choose, trauma or not, adversity or not, money or not, you can choose. And I think that's the beautiful thing about self government, is it's really there for all.

00:24:14.663 --> 00:24:15.644
That's great.

00:24:20.983 --> 00:24:37.604
Thanks so much for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren. Nurturing through adversity. I encourage you to share your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.

00:24:38.324 --> 00:26:05.723
You can submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. If you enjoyed this show, please share it with a friend that needs to hear. And if you love the show and you're listening on a broadcasting platform like Apple or Spotify, just scroll down in your app and and please leave us a review. The word neurodiverse is one you might not have heard before. It wasn't a term I was familiar with before I had to raise two children who had been labeled with several behavioral disorders. This is a term we all need to know, especially if you're raising children with physical or behavioral disorders. We need to know how to support them, how to respond to their behavior, and how to help them thrive in this world. If you didn't know this term before today, you will after you listen to our next episode with our guest, Katherine McChord, a dynamic, innovative entrepreneur and speaker on the subject. As she says, it's all about expanding humanity. Thank you for tuning in to grandparents, raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity.

00:26:07.223 --> 00:26:17.463
Peace be with you, and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.