The Secret to Joy- Finding Happiness Within

WEBVTT

00:00:01.679 --> 00:00:23.289
You've been working hard holding down the fort and trying to make sense of it all. Raising your grandchildren wasn't in the original plan, but here you are, the sleepless nights, the endless questions, the balancing act between being a parent again and finding time for yourself.

00:00:24.269 --> 00:01:02.270
But what if there was more to happiness than just surviving? Join me for this enlightening interview with Matt O'Neill. Discover how integrating spiritual practices can enhance your mental and emotional well being. Find out why positive affirmations are more powerful than you think, and learn how to break the cycle of generational shame and trauma. Join us as we unpack the hidden secrets of true happiness, share life changing stories, and uncover the key to not just raising your grandchildren, but thriving while you do it.

00:01:06.450 --> 00:01:55.090
Welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma, and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

00:01:57.409 --> 00:02:15.310
We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

00:02:16.449 --> 00:02:25.789
Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

00:02:33.490 --> 00:03:02.150
Entering a new chapter in life can present unforeseen obstacles, particularly when entrusted with the care of young ones grappling with trauma and disabilities. As I traversed these tumultuous waters myself, I unearthed a shimmer of joy amidst the trials, and it was in his quest for happiness that I encountered Matt O'Neill, a luminary in the domain of well being.

00:03:02.969 --> 00:03:53.120
Matt's profound insights on happiness as a cultivated skill have cast light on the pathway to authentic joy, even amidst life's harshest tribulations. His teachings have not only uplifted me, but reshaped my outlook on discovering happiness amidst adversity, and I'm excited to impart these revelations with you all on this challenging journey of raising grandchildren, aspiring to lighten our paths and imbue a legacy of profound richness for the generations to come. Please join me in this illuminating dialogue with Matt O'Neill as we plunge into the essence of genuine happiness and unveil the secrets to experiencing profound joy in the face of life's trials.

00:03:54.379 --> 00:04:48.533
I know I always say that I'm so excited to introduce my next guest, but I really am so excited to introduce Matt O'Neill, who, believe it or not, is a happiness expert whose work has positively impacted the lives of over 100,000 people worldwide. He's the author of the book Good Mood revolution and host of the Good Mood Revolution podcast. Matt teaches us that happiness is a choice even when life gets tough. His teaching isn't just theory, though. It's tested in the real world, too, because Matt has four young children and runs two successful businesses with overdose. 80. Happy and happy. They're not always happy. Laura, how? I just had to throw that in. It sounded good. Life can feel chaotic, but Matt will show you how happiness is a skill we can learn and master.

00:04:48.661 --> 00:04:55.990
And I'm really excited to talk about that, Matt, because the job that we're doing as grandparents, raising grandchildren, is really a tough job.

00:04:56.069 --> 00:05:52.132
And I have hit a few walls in my life. This was one of them. And when I went through that wall and understood the essence of what it takes to do this job on a daily basis, I got excited about it, believe it or not. Not that the days are always good, but we're going to talk about that today because I want to know what excites you about the work you do and why you consider yourself a happiness expert. Well, I am so delighted to be here with you, and I just love your show and what you're doing. I think it's just awesome because, first of all, thank you. Who you are and who your audience is, to take on that responsibility and to have the willingness to show up and say, I've raised my children and there is a need right now for me to fill this gap is so noble.

00:05:52.235 --> 00:06:02.839
It takes so much honor, so much courage. And so the person listening to this podcast is already a courageous, honorable, high integrity, amazing individual.

00:06:03.240 --> 00:06:18.112
We're like, we're starting with some very great people right now. And I love teaching the skill of happiness because happiness is a skill. It can be worked on, it can be learned, it can be improved, and there's just techniques that we can do to get there.

00:06:18.175 --> 00:06:58.680
Yes, they're all my heroes and heroines. Let's begin by talking about some of the challenges on a daily basis. Everyone in the world is dealing with personal challenges. Our group in particular has some extra heavy ones. It took a little while for my husband and I to realize when I began developing this podcast what was the one toughest challenge that we had to deal with. For many of us, the reason that we have these grandchildren that we're raising. Is that something really bad has happened with our own children.

00:07:00.310 --> 00:07:32.430
Either their parents have passed away, they are incarcerated. They're dealing with mental issues and drug addictions and our retirement goals, which I realize when you look forward to something for 65 years and that whole plan changes, you know, it's a little different than when you have to change a career. It impacts you in a different way. I've changed careers, but this one was one I did not expect.

00:07:32.930 --> 00:07:50.389
So let's talk about the challenges and how we begin talking about pulling apart this whole issue of happiness. I want to go into a few of the things you just said. The first is that we suffer when we resist life.

00:07:52.259 --> 00:08:42.710
So I could imagine being in the situation where we have our plan, and God always laughs at our plans, doesn't he? We have our plan. We're going to retire. We're going to have this wonderful, easy, relaxing lifestyle. We're going to laugh so much and just enjoy the ease of living our days and our golden years, right? And then that plan is foiled and we resist. It's like, okay, I'm going to stand up to the call. I'm going to do the honorable thing, but there's going to be a part of me that's resisting standing up to the call in this division where we have one part of us that says, yes, I'm up for it, I'm going to do it, and another part of our being that says, but this isn't fair and it's not what I wanted, we're not going to be fully happy until we're unified.

00:08:43.970 --> 00:08:54.830
So this is just normal. We all go through this with these two parts of our being. One part that says yes, and one part in us that's kicking and screaming and saying, no, I don't want it.

00:08:55.210 --> 00:09:23.570
And once we make the decision to take on the grandchildren and we've chosen it, now we need to bring the other part of our being along, and we need to say, hey, we're all in on this and we're no longer going to resist it. There's no going back. We can't just give them away now, and we're not going to. That's not our. That's not our choice. We're not just going to give them away. However, this other part of our being, what it is, is, it's called the id in psychology. This is the little kid.

00:09:24.230 --> 00:10:00.894
It's the piece of our being that just wants to have fun and just wants to enjoy life, and it doesn't like responsibility. We have to nurture that id. It is a real part of us and it needs to be integrated into our decisions, and we have to honor it. Hey, it wants rest, it wants relaxation, it wants to have fun. So then we need to nurture the part of us that wants rest, relaxation and fun, and we do that with self care. So acknowledging, hey, there's a part of me that wants to just have fun and doesn't like this responsibility, in fact, resents it. Maybe sometimes it even shows up as pain in our neck or pain in our back or pain in our body. That's the id.

00:10:00.942 --> 00:10:18.990
When you have pain that just kind of sporadically shows up and goes away, that's the id trying to get your attention and saying, hey, we're not having enough fun in this life. We're too responsible. We're too, you know, doing what we should do, like good boys and good girls. I want to just let loose and have fun again. Good. Okay.

00:10:19.029 --> 00:10:40.894
So as that pain shows up, or if these thoughts show up, there's nothing wrong with you. You're not a bad grandparent because you resent that you have to take on this responsibility. You're a normal human being. I have it with my own kids. There's days where I'm so tired, I don't want to do bath time, read the books, clean the dishes. I don't want to do all this work.

00:10:41.062 --> 00:11:08.429
When I notice this with me, I say, okay, I need self care to be the very best parent and grandparent. We have to schedule time to have fun for ourselves. Have to. And what does that look like? Well, for me, I love to read a book and drink coffee. That is self care for me. So when I drop the kids off at school, there are days I just go to a coffee shop. No one knows me. I hide.

00:11:09.169 --> 00:11:24.450
I'm all alone in a coffee shop reading a really good book. And I'm nurturing that id that wanted to just blow something off today and just do whatever it wants to do. And so we're going to find happiness by integrating these two parts of our being.

00:11:24.490 --> 00:11:57.135
Yes, we are happy when we're responsible, totally. When we do the right thing and we live by our integrity and our morals, we feel proud of ourselves. That brings happiness. But we can't be so. That's called the superego. It's the parents within us. We can't be so righteous and that good angel all the time, or else the devil on our shoulder that just wants to party kind of throws a fit. And so we have to nurture both of these parts of our being to be an integrated, happy person. I love that. I love that.

00:11:57.168 --> 00:12:53.990
But you know what happens when that feeling of I don't want this responsibility shows up? Most of the time we then punish ourselves and we say, I shouldn't think that way. That's bad. And then the punishment, when we're already feeling punished, is a downward spiral of happiness. There's nothing wrong with us when we feel the thought, I don't want this responsibility. It's just normal. It's just a different part of our being. There's nothing wrong. We all have an id. It's part of our psychology. It's saying, okay, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm totally normal. This is just that little id within me that needs some fun. So once I schedule some fun and I give it what it wants, it'll be happy for a while. And then guess what? It's going to show up again and say, I don't want to do this responsibility today. Hey, the other piece I wanted to bring up is that when we're tired, we're typically not our happiest self.

00:12:55.220 --> 00:13:09.860
Raising kids takes so much energy, like tremendous energy. And we have to be far better at energy regulation and taking care of ourselves and eating the right foods and not drinking the wrong things.

00:13:09.940 --> 00:13:44.923
Like, you know, if we're drinking wine every single night, maybe that makes our sleep quality decline. And then we're less energy the next day. We're more likely to snap at the kids. And when we snap at them, then we feel bad that we weren't our best self in that moment. So sometimes it's okay to say, hey, I'm not happy right now. Maybe I'm just tired and I need some rest. That's how I feel some nights. Some nights I say, Katie, I'm just tired. I don't have it to be the happiest dad tonight. How are you? How's your energy? And she's like, you know, I have it tonight. It usually happens this way. When I don't have it, she has it.

00:13:45.052 --> 00:14:07.240
And when she doesn't have it, I have it. And so we're really good partners that way, and we communicate with each other that way. But if we're really, really tired and we force ourselves to do the work and we just don't have that energy to be our happiest self, there's nothing wrong with us in that moment either. But it is time for us to rest, get our energy back, and we'll probably be a lot happier the next morning when our energy comes back.

00:14:09.539 --> 00:14:22.690
Negative emotions, understanding negative emotions, talking about hurt, anxiety, anger, and the effect that they have on our well being as parents, as spouses.

00:14:24.830 --> 00:14:27.730
Yeah, I love negative emotions.

00:14:28.950 --> 00:14:35.330
This is what I so my book, the good Mood Revolution, describes the eight primary negative emotions.

00:14:35.629 --> 00:15:52.360
And we all have them. We're all human. We all experience these eight primary negative emotions. They show up in various forms, like anger is also annoyance, anger is also frustration. If we feel annoyed or frustrated, those are just variations of anger. We feel resentful. Again, it's another variation of anger. But anger is one of the eight primary negative emotions. What's beautiful about these negative emotions is, again, knowing that all of us feel them. Even happiness expert Matt O'Neill feels the eight negative emotions. We can't get away from it because we're human. And they all have a signature thought pattern, they all have signature actions. They all want to express themselves in the exact same way for all humans, they're universal. So then we don't have to feel bad about ourself when we're in one of the eight negative emotions. We just need to know what they are. What are these eight negative emotions? How do they show up? What do they want? What need is this negative emotion saying it needs? And then once we know what the emotion is, what it wants, what it needs, we can nurture the inner child that is kicking and screaming for that negative emotion to be met. That need to be met, meet the need, and then turn the thought pattern around. In the absence of these eight negative emotions, we are happy.

00:15:52.779 --> 00:16:33.750
So it's super fun to just learn them and then know them, know what they want, know what they need, know what the thought pattern is, and then we can flip the thought pattern around and get it back into our happiness. So, just to give a quick synopsis of them, those eight negative emotions are shame, guilt, hopelessness, or overwhelm, which as a parent or grandparent, we're going to overwhelm a lot. And then it's sadness or grief, fear or anxiety, lust, desire, lust, anger, and then pride.

00:16:35.669 --> 00:16:49.610
And that's it. There's only eight. There's only eight different ways that we sabotage our happiness, and it's those eight ways. But there's eight different levels of happiness as well.

00:16:50.509 --> 00:17:04.009
And one of those levels of happiness is willingness, which is what we were talking about before we got on this podcast. When we are willing to do whatever it takes, it's like the third or fourth degree of happiness.

00:17:04.838 --> 00:18:10.309
It really is a happy place because we're willing to do whatever it takes, we're proud of the energy we're willing to put forward. And as we're willing to do whatever it takes, we're willing to learn new things. And learning and growth and progress is actually the definition of happiness. Our soul, everything we're doing, is wanting to progress and progress and progress. So this illusion that I was just going to retire and be easy, ease is one of the other, is below willingness, but it is a level of happiness. Ease is not the highest achievement of happiness. If we stop at ease and think retirement was the goal, we're stopping far before our highest potential of happiness. Ease and comfort are fine, but they're not the ultimate reward. In fact, being willing to take on grandchildren and being willing to impact these young lives and do this great work that's going to grow these amazing children and amazing adults, that gives us more fulfillment, even in later years, than ease ever could have. So it's wonderful to keep growing and learning.

00:18:12.490 --> 00:19:03.526
It's interesting because as you were speaking, I was thinking, I used to be a runner, and I ran everything from five ks up to marathons, and running a five k is a great goal and pretty easy to achieve if you've been running for any length of time. But running a marathon or running longer than that, I always wish that I'd had the opportunity to run across country or something, because I compare that to doing what we're doing in that it's a long run and you get these breakthroughs where you get energy. You don't know where it came from, but you also have to pace yourself. And as you pace yourself, you have little successes that become big successes.

00:19:03.718 --> 00:19:29.682
And I have felt that that quality of willingness has shown me how to run a new kind of race, put it that way. I agree. It's beautiful when you go through the walls, you know, it's amazing. And every time we break through a wall, which is a wall, is a self imposed limit. We are unlimited. Our soul is unlimited. Our being is unlimited.

00:19:29.746 --> 00:20:07.096
Now, we have physical limitations in this realm, but our soul is unlimited. And you mentioned something very interesting about energy. When we break through that wall, we are flooded with more energy than we've ever had. Energy doesn't really come from sleep. It doesn't really come from food. It doesn't really come from hydration. Energy actually is a spiritual quality. And the eight negative moods that weigh us down are the biggest energy drains on us when we are fully present.

00:20:07.208 --> 00:21:02.619
And we've gotten rid of any of this bad mood thinking that was clogging us up when we are so happy, when. If you feel so happy that you feel like you're walking on clouds, just imagine those days, the days when you just. You're just filled with this happiness. You are filled with passion and energy. You're inspired, which means you're inspirited. Energy actually comes from these higher emotional qualities, which is from our soul. And so every time we break through a barrier, it was a self imposed barrier, our soul is delighted. It's like, wow, okay. There's even more to this game. And that's why happiness is also progress, because the whole reason we're here on earth is to progress and to continue to grow and enrich our soul. We're eternal souls. This whole game we're playing here on earth is just a game for us to enrich our soul. So sometimes we get stuck in what we think is a challenging situation, like, oh, I'm raising my grandchildren.

00:21:02.660 --> 00:21:39.849
I didn't think I'd ever do that. And then we're like, well, this is a spiritual game, so what is the spiritual reason I'm in this situation? And then we're like, I'm supposed to grow? And then as we grow and we answer the call, we get more energy than we ever had, and it ends up being, like, the greatest thing that ever happened to us. We're like, wow, my life. I could never imagine my life if this hadn't have happened. I'm so glad it did. Mm hmm. Let's talk about the harmful effects of the victim mentality, what that does to us. It's the worst.

00:21:42.769 --> 00:21:53.549
Yeah, but, okay, so the first thing is that all of us have been a victim. All of us, every single person has every right to feel like a victim.

00:21:54.009 --> 00:22:04.670
There have been things that have happened beyond our control that we didn't cause. We have every right to say that wasn't fair. I'm a victim. I feel bad about it.

00:22:05.410 --> 00:22:30.089
However, just because we have the right to be a victim doesn't mean we should ever choose it. It is a choice to say, I'm going to choose to feel like a victim. That choice always is disempowering every single time we choose to feel like a victim, whether we have a right to or not, it doesn't matter if we choose to feel like a victim. We have given all of our power away, and we are choosing to suffer.

00:22:30.390 --> 00:22:34.205
We can live our whole life suffering. Thoughts of victimhood.

00:22:34.357 --> 00:22:45.210
I certainly did. I had some victim mentality when I was growing up, and I had every right to. Sometimes when we're young, things happen to us that we were little victims. We couldn't protect ourselves.

00:22:45.589 --> 00:23:00.130
And then I became an adult, and one day, somebody said something. They said, well, it doesn't matter if you were a victim at some point in this moment. Now that you're a strong adult, the only thing you are ever a victim to is your own thoughts.

00:23:00.869 --> 00:23:03.579
And I was like, wow, is that really true?

00:23:05.039 --> 00:24:06.240
And I found it to be true. Now, this isn't easy by any means, but if we want happiness, we have to realize that our happiness only comes from taking full responsibility for absolutely everything, whether it was our fault or not. We are responsible for this moment to do the best with this moment, regardless of what hand we've been dealt. And when we say, I am responsible and I am going to do the best I can with this result, happiness always follows that decision. It does not matter if we were totally victimized. We could have been blindsided by another car, and there's nothing we could have done. This actually just happened to me. A month ago, we were hit so hard, t boned by this tourist in my town. Looking at her phone, she didn't even tap her brakes. She just went straight through a stop sign. Didn't even tap. Hit my car so hard, we went up on two wheels. She caused$30,000 worth of damage to our car.

00:24:06.819 --> 00:24:31.816
It is in the shop for five months. This is how hard we were hit. Nothing I could have done. Total victimhood, right? Thank God nobody was hurt. And yet, as soon as we find out no one's hurt, I'm like, okay, this is one of those moments. Am I going to be a victim? I don't have a car for five months, and I have four kids. The rental agency doesn't give me a car that can fit all the kids in it. They don't.

00:24:32.008 --> 00:25:00.670
So now we're down an automobile. I got to take kids to practice all this other stuff. But am I going to choose to ever feel like a victim in this situation? And my answer is no. I will never choose to feel like a victim. So what is another choice, another alternative? Well, one of those choices is gratitude. Happiness always follows gratitude every single time. It's one of the levels of happiness. Gratitude is a very high level of happiness.

00:25:01.250 --> 00:25:15.711
So immediate gratitude. Everyone's okay? We could have been paralyzed. My wife could have been killed. She hit my wife's door. My wife could have died. And then I would have been raising these four kids on my own. Thank you, goddess.

00:25:15.766 --> 00:25:28.200
Like, maybe this accident, the spiritual reason for this accident, was to wake me up to the gratitude of the gifts that I have, that we all have, our health today. And then we go from victimhood to happiness.

00:25:30.180 --> 00:25:37.079
At this moment, I'm recovering four weeks ago from the exact thing that happened to you.

00:25:38.460 --> 00:25:53.630
We are all alive and thankful to be alive. And behind me are a pair of crutches that I just got off of last week. This happens to all of us and Laura. And thank God you're okay.

00:25:53.750 --> 00:26:34.400
And thankfully, you've healed. Are you feeling okay? I'm glad I'm alive. We're all lucky we're alive. Even the person that hit us is lucky they're alive. And, yeah, I'm not back to where I was before we ended our vacation the summer, you know, losing our car, our camper, which we were driving at the time. And life is different because of it. Can I say I'm less happy than I was before? No. It's change. And that comes in many different forms all throughout our life. You're so wise.

00:26:34.519 --> 00:27:07.539
You are so wise. And so this goes back to what we said about resisting. You could resist this. You could resist. You could say that shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have been blindsided by that person. I shouldn't have these crutches. I shouldn't be physically harmed. None of this should have happened. And yet, resisting anything creates suffering. It did happen. Life is constant change. Nothing is ever the same. So a higher good mood than gratitude is actually acceptance.

00:27:08.799 --> 00:28:34.223
And as we accept the ups and downs, the roller coaster that is life, and we accept that everything is actually evolving the way it's exactly supposed to be evolving, that reality is the highest love, that sometimes we don't understand why something happens. But on a long enough time frame, and again, we're eternal. So our time frame is infinite. On a long enough timeframe, everything makes sense for the evolution of our soul. Then we stop it resisting, and we just start accepting that this is for my ultimate good, even if I don't understand it. That is a really, really high, high vibrational good mood. And you're like, I haven't lost any happiness. I'm on crutches. I'm not. So that's a sign that you've moved yourself to acceptance, even if you don't name it. One thing I've learned from experience is that I'm more mature about how I manage a situation like that. I probably have responded to it much more smartly than I did when I was younger, if this would have happened. In other words, I'm being wise about not settling on the case before we know all of what's involved and those sort of things. I'm nothing saying that people shouldn't be responsible for the things that they've done. Yesterday was a big day, their first day of school. We're driving to school and they're talking about being afraid of another car accident happening.

00:28:34.392 --> 00:28:44.819
And that's something I wish my children didn't need to talk about. I want to just bring up just something that just hit my thought about the kids saying they're worried about being in a car accident.

00:28:45.490 --> 00:29:00.417
And this is about that long enough timeline. Everything is happening for the greatest good. What if that accident has turned one of them into the most safe driver because they are now on the defensive and always looking out?

00:29:00.513 --> 00:29:07.945
And what if the accident that you endured saves one of their lives or saves them from paralysis one day in the future?

00:29:08.097 --> 00:29:45.210
These are the things where the universe is so unexplainable and there's so many variables. There's billions and billions and billions of variables throughout our lifetime. We don't know that that accident that is inconvenient right now and hurts right now wasn't actually the greatest thing for one of their lives. And that is where we can really. We're like, okay, I don't understand why I'm going through this discomfort and this pain and these problems, but what if it's the best thing for me, and that brings us back to happiness, rather than resistance and saying, it's not as good as it was and it shouldn't have happened. All of those thoughts are victim thoughts, and they always make us unhappy.

00:29:45.619 --> 00:30:42.723
I was going to say that I've made a point when the children talk about it, that I don't tell them that's probably never going to happen again, or, you know, that you shouldn't be afraid because, and that's something that wisdom has taught me, that I allow them to work through their feelings and their emotions, and we talk about the complexities of feelings like that and how we can cope with them. And while we're driving, I spend more time these days going over the after effects with them from the accident that happened a month ago than I do listening to podcasts these days. How beautiful. But as you're saying, it's important. It's part of what they are going to learn. I don't think they'll ever forget this. Accident, especially not with the lessons that you're instilling. And that's such a great point you bring up.

00:30:42.902 --> 00:31:04.127
How easy would it be to just say, oh, you don't ever have to worry about that. That was so rare. It's not going to happen to you. Don't you worry? And we think that's a nice thing to do, is to take the worry away from them. But I love what you're doing. You're giving them wisdom. And yeah, accidents happen, and the likelihood that they're going to be in car accidents is near 100% in their life.

00:31:04.263 --> 00:31:15.269
Well, we just addressed talking about setbacks, which was one of the topics that I wanted to talk about for this podcast. But we touched on spiritual happiness a moment ago.

00:31:16.049 --> 00:31:34.230
Let's talk about the spirituality of cultivating happiness and well being. Tell us how you feel about spiritual practices and how those can enhance our mental and emotional state. Typically, as we grow older, we become more spiritual.

00:31:35.700 --> 00:32:00.039
And I do think that in our golden years are the greatest opportunities. In every challenge there's a seed of opportunity. And so while our minds become less sharp than they were, and we can say, oh, I wish my mind was as sharp as it was, or I wish I was as fast and as agile as I used to be, those are declining. That's just the reality. But then you say, well, what is increasing?

00:32:01.150 --> 00:32:06.930
And typically, if we're open to it, what increases is our ability to connect spiritually.

00:32:08.549 --> 00:32:19.329
And I'm not going to say it's impossible to be happy if we don't have a spiritual practice. It's impossible to reach the highest levels of happiness without a spiritual practice.

00:32:21.269 --> 00:32:39.180
We can still have moments of happiness and pleasure. But if we have a view that this is the only life there is, and that when we die, that's it. There's always an underlying anxiety and fear that we're going to die and everyone we know is going to die, and it will pervade everything.

00:32:40.160 --> 00:33:00.700
And then little things like getting into an accident then become the biggest, most frightful things ever and they can actually debilitate the rest of our life because we're just riddled with anxiety sometimes we might not even get back in a cardinal we're going to say, why? I can't risk losing the only life I will ever have. And so then we can't live a full life.

00:33:01.759 --> 00:33:20.584
So it's really, really important to cultivate some spiritual understanding, and we can do that in any way. Whatever spiritual practice resonates with you is the practice that is right for you, and it's just having a connection with something bigger than yourself. I love to strengthen that connection.

00:33:20.711 --> 00:33:34.539
And so a simple practice I do once a week with my journal. I sit with a pen and paper. I do this on Sundays, and I say, where did I see a miracle happen in my life this week?

00:33:37.079 --> 00:34:19.989
And every single week, as I think back on the week, I see a miracle, and I'm like, oh, that coincidence. There's no way, like, that had to have been guided, the way that those two things came together and that that happened. How miraculous. And so every single week, I'm strengthening that muscle of spirituality and that faith. And when we know we're eternal, the little challenges, you know, that happen, we lose some abilities. You know, our mind is starting to dull, some our bodies are starting to dull. We know we're going to die, but we also know it's not the end and that it's just part of our spiritual progression. We don't sweat it as much. We're just like, this is what's supposed to happen, and all is going to be okay.

00:34:21.530 --> 00:34:46.409
So it's very important for happiness. I've often said, without faith, we can't move beyond our physical experiences. Yeah, without faith, we can't move beyond the physical is completely right. If we think that all we are is this physical being and this physical reality is all we have, then we would say, well, happiness is physical gratification.

00:34:46.989 --> 00:34:49.090
That's not happiness.

00:34:50.429 --> 00:34:57.902
Fulfilling our desires and our pleasures, just eating a chocolate cake or sitting there and relaxing and watching Netflix.

00:34:58.085 --> 00:35:19.699
Yeah, it's pleasurable, but it's not happiness, you know, because you're doing the hard work of giving yourself, being selfless, serving these young children, giving your energy, not in a selfish way, in a selfless way, that you actually have more happiness doing that than you would with this physical gratification.

00:35:20.159 --> 00:35:27.384
But that only comes from a really high spiritual understanding, which is what you have. So, yeah, the faith is ridiculous.

00:35:27.431 --> 00:35:33.050
So there's two things, and I love this thought, that there's faith and then there's fear.

00:35:34.349 --> 00:35:45.010
And so when we have faith bigger than our fear, we're going to have a lot of happiness. But if we don't have that faith, what comes up, and it is now ruling our life is fear.

00:35:45.309 --> 00:35:49.141
And fear and anxiety are the opposite of a joyful life.

00:35:49.206 --> 00:36:03.730
I could go on about that, but I'm going to leave that there. We could talk about breaking negative thought patterns, but we've really address that through the topics we've already used. I think it's really important to spend time on it, because it's not simple.

00:36:04.510 --> 00:36:15.510
Negative thought patterns show up all the time. If we don't address them, they will rule our life, and then they'll rule our children's lives and our grandchildren's lives, they mimic us.

00:36:15.590 --> 00:36:26.539
So, like, for me, the biggest negative thought pattern that was passed down and oh, man, this is actually a pretty interesting story to share for grandparents raising grandchildren.

00:36:27.559 --> 00:36:30.860
My grandmother, her dad died when she was one.

00:36:31.679 --> 00:36:56.210
And then her mom, this was the early 19 hundreds. Her mom, my great grandmother, gave her away to her parents and then had five new children with a new husband. Well, my grandmother watched from the fringes as her mom raised the kids she thought she loved more. And my grandmother felt like she wasn't worthy of a mother's love.

00:36:56.630 --> 00:37:11.329
Even though her grandparents were loving her completely. She felt something was wrong with her that her own mom didn't want her. And she even felt something was wrong with her that her own dad abandoned her, even though he died of tuberculosis.

00:37:12.190 --> 00:37:30.409
Young children, these giant life events sometimes are too big for us to understand. And young children are always very self centered. They don't have a greater worldview. Their mind can't go there. So they always say when something happens, it's because of me. There's something wrong with me.

00:37:30.989 --> 00:37:42.134
I'm broken. I'm not lovable. I don't deserve a dad. I don't deserve a mom. And so it's really, really, really important for this podcast for us to understand. This is the emotion of shame.

00:37:42.181 --> 00:38:30.726
It's the most destructive of the eight bad moods. My grandmother then grew up, and then when she had her two sons, she didn't hold them because she hadn't been held, and she didn't know how to give them the love because she hadn't seen it. And so then those two sons, my dad being one of them, they didn't feel loved. And they're like, well, if my own mom doesn't love me, then I'm unlovable, right? They couldn't see there was all just this innocent chain of events. And then, yeah, it was generational trauma, generational shame. And then, so when I was born, my dad didn't know how to tell me he loved me. And in fact, he just told me I was awful and that I would amount to nothing and that nothing I did was good enough. And it's really because he didn't feel good enough.

00:38:30.757 --> 00:38:58.050
But what, as a five year old, I believed him. And I said, something's wrong with me. My own dad doesn't like me. I'm unlovable. And so I had the emotions of shame within me, and the thought, the root thought of all of this shame. Again, all these emotions have the same thought. It's just from the grandmother to the father to the son, it's the same thought. The thought of shame is there's something wrong with me and I'm unlovable because of it.

00:38:59.670 --> 00:41:45.119
That one negative thought can create a whole spiral of negativity and just terrible treatment of others and of ourselves and can completely destroy our lives. How do we heal it? Well, the first thing we do is we have to recognize that we, all of us have had some of this thought that there's something wrong with me and I'm unlovable because of it. And then once we recognize that thought, recognize it as a complete lie, there's nothing wrong with us, and we are infinitely loved, and so we find the thought within us. For me, this exercise is called exposing the lies. I teach it in the first chapter of my book. You just think back to your childhood and you think back to the painful experiences or the people that may have told you you weren't enough. And then you write down from that emotion, what are the exact thoughts that I believe about myself when I think about these tough situations? And they'll show up like, I'm unlovable, I'm never enough. I'm unworthy, whatever it is, for you, I deserve punishment was one of mine. And then you draw a line down it and you say, well, I get to choose what my new thoughts are. So I'm going to counter that trauma with my truth. And my truth is I'm completely worthy. I'm always loved and I always deserve the best. And that became affirmations. And affirmations are so powerful for reprogramming these negative thoughts. You know, people used to laugh at them in the eighties and the nineties that, you know, Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live would say, I'm lovable. And gosh darn it, people like me and people would laugh at it. However affirmative, what we're doing already in our own subconscious is we're already saying the negative affirmation over and over and over again. I'm so stupid. I'm always wrong. I deserve to be punished. Doesn't. You're saying a negative affirmation already. So let's just say a positive affirmation instead, out loud. And so what we do is we then take this list of positive affirmations and we say it out loud every day for three months. Takes us about a minute or two. I think we can spare a minute or two for three months to completely change generational trauma and then heal these young children when we show them that we fully are lovable. Even with our flaws, even with not being perfect, even though we make mistakes, we're still completely lovable and worthy of love. And they are too. And we're fully accepted and we fully accept them. When we love ourself, we can fully love them. They then don't pass it down to their children and it stops with us. I think that's a really important lesson for us.

00:41:46.059 --> 00:41:56.867
Great point was having coffee with another grandmother and hearing her story yesterday. And it's difficult to share these stories. Difficult stuff we have to talk about.

00:41:56.963 --> 00:42:11.652
But I think by doing it, we're changing the future of future generations. And it's so important, so needed. I can't think of anything more important. There's nothing more important. There's nothing more important. Nothing.

00:42:11.755 --> 00:42:50.820
Okay. Going back to, like, eternity, right? When we make one generational change, we've affected these kids, their friends, their kids, their kids friends, their grandkids, their grandkids friends. The ripple of that one thing where we've healed this one trauma is infinite and goes through eternity, and it is bigger than we can even comprehend. And sure, we could have made more money and passed them down. Another hundred thousand dollar investment or something that would have made no difference to eternity. Healing our emotional trauma does.

00:42:53.199 --> 00:43:36.865
How does the work that you do have to do with your interest in happiness? You know, my most passionate work is coaching people on overcoming the negative emotions we're talking about and finding that happiness. So that's one of the businesses that I run, and I run a real estate company that has a lot of employees. It is so interesting. I wasn't always happy like I am today. This is why I teach that happiness is a skill that can definitely be learned and improved. And we had some pretty tough culture, so there was a lot of turnover and.

00:43:37.018 --> 00:44:42.659
Right, I was attracting less happy people. In the last four years, we've been named consistently one of the top ten places to work out of 470,000 small businesses in the state of South Carolina. And it's not because of anything other than I show up and I respect people that work with me. I love them. It's not like I'm like every day saying, I love you, but my energy, a mission is an energy, a mission, a love, and then loving people are attracted to work here, and then they want to stay here, and then they treat our clients with love, and then it's just this beautifully happy place. So, yes, our mood does affect us in the business realm as well, in a very positive way. That's great. I mentioned that you have the Good Mood Revolution podcast and the Good Mood revolution book. And you have a website? Yeah, the website is my name, Matt O'Neil. Dot Dot. Well, we'll be sure to put that in the notes as well. Is there anything else you want to add before we go? Yes. Laura, you are tremendous.

00:44:43.880 --> 00:45:09.844
Thank you. Thank you for having me here. Today is a total honor. But more importantly than that, thank you for answering the call to this really noble decision that you've made to take on these grandchildren. And then even more than that, taking on the call to share the best practices to all the people that are going through this challenge. I think it's just tremendous. Thanks for your encouragement. We really appreciate your words.

00:45:09.891 --> 00:45:57.949
Today I asked listeners, what does happiness mean to you? For one person, having low stress and having a content spouse and grandchildren was important. For another, living a life with no regrets. For another person, feeling peace, joy in my heart, and doing the best that I can. Stress and anxiety, relationships, work and financial issues, health, and not being able to control one's destiny for one person are a cause of stress. Everyone agreed unanimously that happiness is a choice, even during difficult times.

00:45:58.610 --> 00:46:18.110
For some people, doing meaningful activities helps them reduce stress. For others, doing what feels right, and for others, meditation and just healthy living helps people manage stress. What does happiness mean to you?

00:46:19.659 --> 00:46:36.239
Thanks so much for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity, I encourage you to share your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.

00:46:36.980 --> 00:47:33.440
You can submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. If you enjoyed this show, please share it with a friend that needs to hear. And if you love the show and you're listening on a broadcasting platform like Apple or Spotify, just scroll down in your app and please leave us a review. Next week, I hope you'll join us on an emotional and eye opening episode as we dive into the courageous journey of one grandmother who opened her heart and home to foster care. Discover her challenging decision to become a foster parent, the highs and lows of caring for a teenager with complex needs, and the heart wrenching moments that followed. Explore the unexpected turns that led to the arrival of a precious granddaughter.

00:47:33.739 --> 00:48:29.789
Hear about the struggles, triumphs, and heartaches of this remarkable family's experience within the social services system. Uncover the grandmother's unwavering love and determination as she navigates the delicate balance of raising her biological children with unique challenges, while also fighting to adopt her beloved granddaughter, learn about the obstacles faced, the lessons learned, and the ongoing journey towards healing and hope. I hope you'll tune into this poignant conversation that sheds light on the realities, the struggles, and the resilience of a family's unbreakable bond. Thank you for tuning in to grandparents, raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity.

00:48:31.320 --> 00:48:41.559
Peace be with you and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.