The Grandkids Are Doing OK But What About You?

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It's the fourth time this week you've found your keys in the fridge and forgotten to turn off the toaster oven because you're so exhausted and never seem to get a day off to unwind.

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Have your friends stopped calling? Do you lock yourself in your room, overwhelmed by the noise of kids wishing for just a moment of peace? The kids are getting therapy. They're doing okay, but how are you? If this sounds familiar, stay tuned for episode two. The grandkids are doing okay, but what about you?

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Welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma, and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

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Oftentimes we have this vision that rescuing the kids and providing them with a safe and secure home, a haven where no one mistreats them, where there's plenty of food, clean clothes, warm baths every night, and a home cooked meal will solve other problems. But reality shatters the Cinderella fantasy. When you welcome home children that have gone through great trauma, you're not met with simple gratitude.

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Instead, you find yourself caring for angry children who wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares, throw tantrums, turn their noses up at unfamiliar foods, and think you're a monster for setting boundaries. Gradually, your old friends stop calling you self isolate, avoiding the need to explain your new life to old acquaintances.

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Counseling becomes a weekly endeavor to salvage your marriage, but it doesn't change the fact that every morning you still wake up to the children. You try listening to white noise to help you sleep, but it still doesn't drown out the incessant voices in your head.

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Vegetables at every meal become a battle not worth fighting for. The kids are doing okay now, but what about you? Today's episode is about focusing on you, the caregiver. Deep down, I think we all know that we're capable of doing great things.

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We all want to serve in whatever capacity we can when we tap into that energy, we feel alive again and we give birth to great things.

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I thought I was doing a great thing rescuing the kids, but I had no idea how hard it would be for me, for them. I had a hint of what we were really getting ourselves into when I spoke to my sister in law the day after she picked up the kids for us. We were on vacation when we got the call from CPS and agreed to take two of our grandchildren, ages three and six, at the time.

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And when I checked in with my sister in law the following day, she said, you'd better prepare yourselves for what you're getting into and then get yourselves down here as soon as you can.

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She and her husband had quickly realized they could not manage the two children alone for long, and our other sister in law was on her way down to Houston from Fort Worth to help until we got there. Deep down, I think we all know that we're capable of doing great things. We all want to serve in whatever capacity we can.

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When we tap into that energy, we feel alive again and we give birth to great things.

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I thought I was doing a great thing rescuing the kids, but I had no idea how hard it would be for me and for them.

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I had a hint of what we were really getting ourselves into when I spoke to my sister in law the day after she'd picked up the kids for us. We were on vacation when we got the call from CPS and agreed to take two of our grandchildren, ages three and six at the time.

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When I checked in with my sister in law the following day, she said, you'd better prepare yourselves for what you're getting into and then get yourselves down here as soon as you can. She and her husband had quickly realized they could not manage the children alone for long. Our other sister in law was on her way down to Houston from Fort Worth to help.

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Until we got there, I had requested the police report from CPS and read it while we made the long drive to Houston in the worst snowstorm in Montana's history. I was in shock.

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I never knew people committed such acts of abuse and neglect to young children. The woman from CPS that I'd been communicating with assured me that this was one of the milder cases she dealt with.

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I had a feeling that we had a long road ahead of us in rehabilitating these children, but I was truly unprepared for what lay ahead. The first six months are still a blur.

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The drive home from Texas required tending to the kids full time, with the exception of when they slept, there were sudden outbursts that were unexplainable. They were obviously agitated and angry and unmanageable. Athena's hair hadn't been brushed in weeks or maybe months. It was matted, and she screamed every time I brushed her hair for the next year.

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Later on, we found out that this was in part due to a diagnosis of sensory processing disorder, after which I had her hair promptly cut into a cute little pixie style, which finally ended our battle with hairbrushing once and for all.

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Tommy cried every day from the open sores on his bottom. His six month old sister had been changing his diapers for I don't know how long before cps and the police had intervened.

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Excrement was reported as having been smeared on the walls over his crib, and bugs could be visibly seen crawling on their bodies. We'd thankfully just finished building a modest 2700 square foot home with one bedroom, a barn dominium they're commonly referred to. Coming home to an unfinished house was at least one nightmare I thankfully didn't have to deal with. I totally lost it more times than I can remember, breaking down in tears, sobbing to my husband that these kids deserve someone more capable than me, after which he would always wrap his arms around me, reassure me that I was doing a great job and that the kids were lucky to have me. But I didn't have as much faith in myself as he did. My self worth was probably the lowest it's ever been. When I came up for air, I was a wreck. I'd been working so hard to keep everyone and everything together that I neglected myself in the process. I put on probably 20 pounds or more, half of which was from stress. I'm sure my gut was bothering me. I had early signs of IB's a checkup revealing a concerning spot on my face which had to be removed and proved to be precancerous. I was drinking more than I should, which didn't help. I wasn't sleeping well. My hormones were imbalanced. I looked in the mirror and I felt completely disconnected from the woman staring back at me.

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That was when I reached out to an old friend that I remembered was selling a line of makeup that she raved about.

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I thought maybe a makeover would allow me to temporarily avoid the deeper, more significant shift I knew I needed to make. It was a feeble attempt to stop before I slipped even further down a black hole from which I knew there was no return. I scheduled a free makeover with her.

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While she was transforming my face, I poured out my soul to her about this crazy life I was suddenly living.

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And while giving me a wonderful makeover, she shared with me also a new line of wellness products that she was really excited about. She said they'd made a huge difference in her life.

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A 30 day reset program that gave her more energy and noticeable mental clarity. My ears perked up. Tell me about that.

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Julie has always been a friend and someone I trusted and, like myself, was skeptical about fly by night scams and products with empty promises. She shared her story, and by the end, I told her that I loved the makeup line, but that the products and the program were what I really needed. I've always been health conscious. After having been diagnosed with MS at 18, I knew the importance of good health and how it affected one's mental wellness. I knew this piece was critical if I was going to succeed in sustaining this new role of caregiver to two young, traumatized children. The products offered a 30 day money back guarantee. So what did I have to lose?

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I was more than ready, and I knew I could do anything for 30 days. So I bought the reset products and the makeup, and the 30 days turned in 90 days. And by the end, I felt like a new woman. My hormones were balanced, my gut biome was back in order. My eyes even felt like I was seeing brighter. And I had a new level of energy that I hadn't had for 20 years. I've always wanted to make the world a better place since I was a young child. But growing up in an abusive household made it very confusing to discern between right and wrong. I got involved in drugs as a young girl and walked a fine line between life and death.

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But surviving youth, I came to understand that working towards improving myself brought many blessings, and the opposite brought pain.

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And although I've proved to myself many times that I can be very stubborn, I learned that I can't live with being a failure.

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So it was time to get back on the path to health and well being and solve this challenge I'd been given. Raising two very troubled young kids, I honestly believed that God had intentionally placed their responsibility in my hands. So I thought if God believed in me, then I had to believe in myself.

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I was one step closer. I had my health plan.

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I had the energy to take on the task. Now all I needed to do was maintain it and move on to the next problem. I had to deal with my anger and my frustration and understand where it came from. My retirement plans that I'd worked so hard for seemed unattainable.

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Now I had a good man in my life who had needs and desires and aspirations, too.

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I began working with a trusted therapist. All my pains from my childhood were coming back to me, issues which I'd been able to put away in some convenient place and avoid thinking about.

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Because, after all, I was now retired and living a fairly stressless life. It was simple, but we loved each other, traveled pretty much, did whatever we wanted to when we wanted to. I still worked from home part time, but it was pretty idealistic.

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Until now. The whole pot was stirred up, and with it, an ugly past of abuse, resentment, low self worth, and codependency came to the surface.

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We've all had those moments, haven't we? Moments where the weight of our new reality sinks in, where the chaos of a day's trials makes us question our capacity to cope.

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Like finding keys in the fridge for the umpteenth time or staring at a toaster left on again because your mind is a whirlwind of care, worry, and love.

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It's in these moments, these small confessions of our humanity, that we have to realize we're part of a larger collective experience, each of us doing the best in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

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These stories I know, while uniquely mine, are not mine alone. I'm sure yours are similar stories of nights spent searching for solutions, of days filled with both laughter and tears and the endless pursuit of a moment's peace. Amid the chaos, I'd been taking my anger on both the kids and my husband, which honestly scared the hell out of me. I saw someone in myself that I had never seen in my previous life. I'd been able to blame everyone else for my unhappy life. I had a new challenge.

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I had to heal myself in order to heal the children.

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And I was determined to do just that.

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In the process, I looked at the retirement plans that my husband and I were struggling with losing. Before he had met me, he just lost a wife he'd been married to for 33 years and cared for for four to cancer.

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I lost a child, tragically, the same year we'd found each other, were empathetic to each other's grief, and found love again. Our lives, I thought, would get easier now, not harder.

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I was curious if life had handed us these children and this was what God wanted me to do. How was this supposed to work into the long term plan that we'd been blessed with before they came?

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I began closely examining each of our needs.

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My husband's, mine, and the children's. For the children, it was fairly obvious they needed stability, good role models, and a method of child rearing that helped them create boundaries that they hadn't grown up with.

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The old child rearing techniques that I'd used with my children definitely didn't work with them. Other than speech therapy, which they both needed. They were getting psychiatric therapy. It wasn't until just recently that it was apparent to both my granddaughter's teacher and I that she was not only coping with ADHD sensory processing disorder, but had some other kind of brain disorder. She was already a year behind in school and was barely going to pass first grade. She couldn't read more than three letter words. I finally found a method of child rearing that worked with both the kids, developed by a woman that had raised many foster children in her home.

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We didn't adhere to it perfectly, but it was a great guideline and still is. All of these assessments helped me understand better how to guide my grandchildren to be the best individuals they can be for myself. Having been a full time professional artist before the children came to live with us, I had to set aside my career temporarily. It was apparent that the children needed a lot of attention to the point of needing to be taught just how to play fairly together, proper manners, how to interact with others.

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If these children were entrusted to my career, their needs had to come first for a while. At some point, I knew I'd be able to get back to my work, but for now, what I needed was time each day just for peace, prayer, and meditation, a healthy diet guideline, regular daily exercise, and quality sleep as often as I could get it.

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Therapy and community were an important part of my healing.

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Accepting myself for the mess of a human being that I really was deep down inside was essential to change.

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Along with knowing that I was worthy of more, I found a trusted therapist. I needed people in my life that would listen and not judge me and my situation.

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I found a church I felt comfortable in and that I knew my kids would feel comfortable in. And I began researching creating a support group for kinship caregivers, which my community did not have. For my husband, it was more challenging. His plan, after caregiving his sick wife, was to enjoy traveling. We built our new home with the intention of living in Montana for a third of the year in the summer, traveling around the states in our travel trailer, and visiting friends and family for another third of the year, and then traveling overseas inexpensively for the rest of the year.

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He loved his grandchildren, but in no way was he prepared to have children in his life again.

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He enjoyed sleeping in. He loved having time to do whatever he wanted to do. He loved fishing, going to football games in the fall and living a quiet life and having found love again. I honestly think he enjoyed the attention I gave him when I was not distracted by the needs of young kids. I mean, who doesn't?

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I began to think, what if I could give him just some of that, enough to satisfy him so that he could cope more easily with having the kids. I mean, I wondered if it was my ego that made me think we were the only ones that could raise the kids. If I could imagine the perfect scenario for all of us, I thought, what would it be? Having the kids in a healthy, nurturing home, my husband and I having more time to ourselves, traveling more, or getting the kids to a stabilized point in their development so that perhaps they could be homeschooled and travel with us. But that costs money, my practical mind said, but what if I could find scholarships for grandparents to travel with their grandchildren? I began envisioning what the perfect future for our grand family could be. I even went so far as to envision the possibility of sharing parental responsibilities with a different type of co fostering situation where our grandchildren spent time with another younger family that lived close to us and were we could be there as grandparents to share in childcare responsibilities, creating a healthier new family nucleus. Why couldn't this be done? Who's to say it can't be done?

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I reached out to Rhodes Scholar and found out they give 300 scholarships a year to provide the opportunity for grandparents to travel with their grandchildren, and they thought some of their partners would likely be able to provide scholarships for the children as well.

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We've already begun collaborating together to make this a reality for grandparents raising grandchildren in 2025. More about that in another upcoming episode.

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I'm working with attorneys and foster programs and agencies to to discover ways of creating new parenting possibilities for grandparents raising grandchildren.

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We'll be discussing that in another episode as well.

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With the help of this community, we can hold each other towards reaching new opportunities because I believe that from this creative way of thinking, we release what doesn't serve us and a new vision can be born.

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I also believe faith needs a target.

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The very important work that we all aspire to do raising our grandchildren is our gift to the world. From the creativity that we release, I believe is born the prophetic vision and work that we all aspire to realize as our gift to the world. We all want to serve in whatever capacity we can.

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Getting in touch with the gift that we are to the world is just the beginning of our understanding of a deeper service that we can have to give our grandchildren and the world. It's about letting go and the letting be, the birthing and the creativity and the compassion, including healing and celebration and justice making that our world so desperately needs.

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Everyone can be a healer.

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As grandparents raising grandchildren, we have been given the gift of overseeing the healing of our grandchildren.

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And in so doing, we can also heal ourselves on this journey, a path many of us find ourselves on. Unexpectedly becoming the primary caregivers for our grandchildren, we encounter a storm of emotions and challenges that test our very being.

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It's a shared journey, each with our own unique stories, yet bound by common threads of love, resilience, and at times, overwhelming uncertainty. And yet, it's not just the struggles we share, it's the victories, too. The moments of joy and triumph, like cutting Athena's hair into a pixie cut. A simple act that brought an end to our daily battles reflects the adaptability and creativity we can all find within ourselves when faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges. It's in these victories, both big and small, that we find a common ground, a reminder that we are not alone in our journey.

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Our experiences may vary, but the essence of our journey is the same. Caregiving is hard, filled with unexpected turns and hidden obstacles.

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But it's also lined with many moments of unparalleled beauty and profound realizations. It teaches us to be humble, face our human inabilities, and ensures us of the depth of our capabilities, the resilience of our spirit, and our boundless capacity to love. We're not just caregivers, we're a community. A community of warriors, of guardians, of grandparents, forging a legacy of resilience, compassion, and love. This is our journey, a journey we make together, learning from each other, supporting one another, healing each other, and celebrating the victories, no matter how small, together. As we wrap up today's journey through the stories and challenges that bind us, we invite you to become a part of our growing family.

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If today's episode touched your heart or sparked a memory, share it with us. I'd love to hear from you. Your story is the beacon of hope and inspiration for countless others navigating this path. Leave us a comment or send us an email in the link provided in the podcast notes.

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Share your triumphs, your hurdles, and your heart with us. We can't wait to hear your voice, to share your story, and to welcome you into our circle of support and strength.

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I also want to remind everyone to consult with professionals before making any health related changes.

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Also, please refer to our resource list on the podcast website for easy access to mental support and community resources mentioned in the episode. Thank you for tuning in to grandparents, raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone and together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.