How To Have A Better Relationship With Your Teen

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Get ready for an enlightening episode that delves into the complexities of parenting teenagers. Join us as we explore essential topics like how to stop yelling at your teen, how to talk so your teen listens, what to do when you don't really like your teen, the quickest way to get your teen to share. We'll be discussing these points and more with Janine Mushawar, an experienced life coach for parents of teenagers.

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Janine specializes in making parenting easier by teaching innovative communication strategies that reduce conflict and create a calm atmosphere.

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Parents will learn how to instill cooperation, responsibility, and critical life skills in their teens, empowering them for future success.

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In the process, you'll build the positive, meaningful relationship you've always hoped for with your teenage. Don't miss this opportunity to transform your approach to parenting.

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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of Grandparents Raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

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Janine, why don't you share with the listeners your background, your experience as a parent and as a life coach.

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Yeah, well, thanks for having me here, Laura. I'm happy to be here.

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You know, I guess if I had to summarize it quickly, I would say I've got three children who are now young adults.

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And in the early years, I think like most people, I just parented intuitively, which is mostly based on how we were parented. Right. It's. It's really all we know.

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We don't go to school and get educated on how to be parents.

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And life went fairly smoothly until the high school years when things just started getting harder and I felt like what I was doing wasn't effective. So, like my oldest, who's my daughter, she put a lot of pressure on herself. She's like a straight A student taking all these AP classes, but in the home, you know, she came home with stress and overwhelm and pressure and anxiety.

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And I felt like the way I was parenting her wasn't, like, helping as much as I was really hoping to see. And that was kind of the theme with all three kids. My second child, my son, he was diagnosed with ADD and a learning disability at a young age.

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And when he hit the high school years, he kind of went from this super confident, friendly guy to isolating in his room, his grades plummeting.

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He started getting in with a bad group of friends, not doing his responsibilities, blaming others, Ended up smoking pot. And that all got out of control really fast. I did not have the tools to parent that effect with. It seemed like whatever I was doing was causing him to pull away and disconnect even more, which was the exact opposite thing that I wanted. And then my youngest, you know, he was in the middle of COVID and like the boom of social media and YouTube and devices and video games. And I just remember thinking a lot of the time, like, you're so lazy. Why aren't you more productive? You know, and having conversations with those thoughts in my mind, which really just did not create effective conversations at all, nor help him. And so all that just to say that I felt like there's got to be better parenting methods and approaches than what I was doing in order to create that connect, not just the connection I wanted with my kids, but also to help them be the best version of themselves and make sure we had this healthy relationship so that as the years would go on through college and beyond, we maintained that connection.

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So I went to a parenting program that taught myself, my husband, one of my children, dialectical behavioral therapy. And those principles really sort of became the foundation of changing the way that I parented and communicated, communicated with my kids. And so since then, I've just done like a deep dive in conscious parenting and CBT and DBT and, you know, inspired by Dr. Becky Kennedy and Dr. Gabor Mate, which really just enabled me to have a much clearer picture of what the problem was and to understand what my kids needs were and the best way to address those needs. And so I went and found a life coach program, program that specialized in coaching for families and for parents and for teenagers. And I got my certification and that was about, oh, I don't know, maybe seven years ago now.

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And so, yeah, I coach now. I coach parents of preteens, teens, young adults. It's kind of we're all struggling with similar issues, and our children are struggling with similar issues.

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Yeah, single moms, you know, husbands and wives, kids that have learning disabilities, like one of my kids and situations where parents are just like, hey, I don't have the tools to have smooth high school years and I want some resources. Can you help me? So kind of, yeah. A whole range of clients like that. Well, many of us as grandparents have been raised with some old fashioned methods of communication or perhaps no communication or little communication at all.

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And I'd love to know what you found with some of these new techniques that have been especially successful for you. Yeah, yeah, I love that question.

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I think if we, like, pull back and zoom out, Laura, and we just sort of take a big picture swipe at. The difference between what I call outdated parenting methods and more modern methods is that the approach that I was raised on and that I initially used was based on I'd see something my kids were doing and I wanted it to stop or I wanted to fix it or I wanted it to change. And then that's what the conversation was about, trying to stop or fix or change what was going on.

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And when your kids hit the teenage years, that's a recipe for rebellion, disconnection, arguments, tension. All the things that most of us deal with with high schoolers. And what I learned is that what we need to do if we want to have fewer fights, fewer conflicts, more cooperation, is we have to slow ourselves down and really focus, focus on reestablishing connection before we have conversations about their behavior that's worrying us or frustrating us. And so the way I think about it is this is new for us because when our kids were young, they were very agreeable for the most part. Right. And so they also were attached to us. And so we automatically have that connection.

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And we could jump to having conversations about, you know, giving our advice, sharing our wisdom, telling them what they should do or need to do, and it worked.

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But we all know when kids hit those teen years, preteen years, they're going through a huge transition. It's perfectly natural for them to pull away from us, to want to establish independence, to want to feel like they're in control of their own life. And so as they're going through this transition, we need to transition our parenting as well. So we can't keep doing what we used to do or even what our parents did, because in this day and age, that causes inordinate amount of arguments, intention, and disconnection. Can you speak about some examples in which you've seen this transition happen successfully with parents that have come to you? Yeah, sure. You know, I am thinking about a client who had a high schooler, I believe he was 15 at the time. I think it was 10th grade. And he was smoking pot, and his mom was obviously. And parents. Both parents were very concerned, and naturally, you know, they defaulted to parenting in a similar way.

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What we just talked about, where this is what you should do or need to do or give your advice, right? And along with that is kind of the, you know, the rules, the rewards, the punishment approach. And what they found is the more they did that, the more fights there were and the more their son disconnected and continued to smoke pot. And as that happened, they got more worried and more frustrated and, you know, ended up like most of us, tightening the reins and putting down more roles and more consequences. And so, you know, when parents come to me when this is going on, you're just like, on this merry go round that you can't get off of, and it's just not creating the results you want. And so when we worked together, we worked on reestablishing the connection because they didn't feel connected and close to their son, nor did their son feel that way with them. And so we do this by slowing the conversation down, by starting with settling our own feelings. Like, if we go into conversations flooded with worry or anger or frustration or disappointment, our kids immediately shut down.

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You know, they avoid talking to us. They push us away. They'll scream, get out of my room. Or, you don't understand. All right? They'll lie. Anything to kind of just shut the conversation down. Because when we're really worried or disappointed or scared or angry, that's really difficult for them to respond to. How did you slow the conversation down? So when we coach together, the client will bring these kinds of things to the coaching call, right? Whatever they're worried about or they're scared of or they're disappointed about. And we work on those, clearing those feelings and emotions that are really strong in the coaching conversation versus with their child.

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And so, of course, it's perfectly natural if your kid's smoking pot for you to be really worried and scared.

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But what you have to realize is when you enter a conversation like that with your child, it goes nowhere real fast. So I have a method that I teach on how to identify what you're feeling and process your emotions so that you can feel more grounded and calm and sturdy when you enter the conversation with your child versus being very emotionally reactive to the situation in front of you. That makes sense. Yeah. So that's where we start. And then with this particular client, I worked with her on tools to really then get her son to open up and start sharing the root cause of the problem. Because usually the behavior is what's going on on the surface, but there's something going on inside of them.

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There's something that they're feeling or they're thinking that's causing them to smoke pot or their grades to plummet or be disrespectful or whatever the scenario is for the day.

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And so I helped give her tools to uncover that information. And then it's so important, once you have that, to then communicate with your teenager where you can show them that you understand what they're going through. There's nothing wrong with them for feeling the way they're feeling in this situation.

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Her son really wanted to fit in with these group of guys. They were all smoking, so he felt pressure to smoke. Right. So as we uncovered all of this, you then have a much different conversation with your child and, you know, talk about what's driving their action to smoke pot and really try to help, you know, help them with that particular thought or feeling that's going on inside of them and then help, you know, and then change the conversation so that you're really eliciting from them what they want to do differently versus telling them what to do differently.

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And so we walked through this conversation, which this is not a quick and easy fix. We probably worked together for a couple months on this. But what ended up happening is her son ended up coming into her room one night after a few months and plopping on her bed, which he hadn't done since he was a child, and said, you know what, mom? You know, I really want to stop smoking. Will you help me?

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You know, And, I mean, I think she started crying. I mean, she just couldn't even believe that the. You know, the way it had transferred like that and really had turned things around just by slowing herself down, you know, by learning how to get him to open up and talk, by showing that she really understood what he was going through and nothing was wrong with him for feeling that way. And then really, I gave her a framework of how to ask him to come up with ideas on how to address the situation. So he felt really in control and empowered. And it's that kind of secret sauce that really motivates our kids to make better choices. How do you approach discipline? Well, my goal, I guess my philosophy is when I think of discipline, I think most of us think of rules and consequences and punishments. And what I know to be true, is if we can start the whole relationship and conversation with a different approach, that's based on connection and understanding and empowering our kids to help themselves through our teaching and our guidance, then we don't ever have to get to the point of rules and punishments.

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And so that's really what I like to do. It's not that there's never a time and a place for a natural consequence, but what I like to do is try to help my parents and grandparents in your situation lead with firm boundaries and a heavy dose of compassion.

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So we still have those like guide rails up. But I think when I think back to when I was a child, it was more trying to control our behavior through rules, rewards, punishments, consequences. And what I know to be true is that if our children do what we want them to do through that approach, which sometimes they do, but they're doing it because they're motivated to either avoid the punishment or get the reward. They're not creating the internal motivation and understanding as to why their choice isn't a great choice for them and what to do differently to make a better choice.

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And so I love to help parents with that. Like, yes, let's have some firm boundaries and have a real big, heavy dose of compassion. Because our kids, most of our teenagers, think that their life is really difficult. It's really hard. And sometimes that's actually true. There is a lot of pressure and stress on these kids, and we want to be understanding about that. And at the same time, keep the guardrails up so we can keep guiding them. I think if we were to zoom out, I would say instead of trying to exert our power over them and control them, which just creates shame inside of them and causes them to push away, instead, let's lead more with guiding and teaching and influencing, you know, through helping them help themselves.

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Let's say you have a situation where you have a child that you're parenting and you've agreed on boundaries, and they break some serious boundaries, not coming home or doing drugs, and you become concerned for their safety.

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Plus you may have a child who's maybe beginning to struggle with addiction and for their own safety, you know, for the safety of your own home, you become concerned and they continue to break those boundaries. Yeah, well, I mean, the scenario you described, Laura, I think any parent in that situation or grandparent would be very worried, terrified, scared, concerned. And what I know to be true is most people respond when they're feeling that way and they're really worried about their kid. Most people respond with, you know, more rules and tighter restrictions.

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And typically what happens is the teenager rebels even more. And so, so what do you suggest. To do in those situations?

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So the first thing, I just started there because I think we gotta understand the dynamic of what's going on before we figure out, okay, well, how do we come up with a solution that can work in this situation?

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So knowing that that's where we are and that our default approach is to clamp down and tighten the reins, and that doesn't work. You know, the very first place I like to start with my clients is to have them realize that they have a good kid. Like, kids don't intend to misbehave and do risky things and break the rules. Like, no one wants to be a, quote, unquote, bad kid or do bad things. So to realize that they are a good kid and they're struggling with a behavior, and to start there, where you really separate who your child is from the behavior that you're seeing. And once you separate that, I like to tell my clients, I want you to envision that it's you and your child on one side of the bench. And the problem, the smoking, the drinking, the sexual addiction, whatever it is, it's on the other side of the bench.

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And so how can we approach the situation as a team and not you versus me? Because you versus me causes a tug of war. And in a tug of war, there's a winner and there's a loser, and no one wants to be the loser. So we need to, again, slow down and have a conversation and see what the struggle is while we're still believing that they're a good kid who has the ability to make a change. And so I walk my clients through an approach that's about agreements and boundaries. And so we establish agreements together where it's not just dictating, but it's sitting down with our teenagers and coming up with an agreement. Let's take, for example, you brought up curfew, right? And you talk about, what do you think's a fair curfew? What do I think's a fair curfew? Come to some sort of middle ground and come to an agreement. And then after the agreement is set, you can say, listen, if the agreement gets broken, this is what I will do. And a boundary is about what you're going to do. And it's versus saying you're going to get punished, right? So, for example, you know, maybe it's if the agreement's broken, you know, next time you want to go to that party, I'll be driving you to the party, or I'll be holding on to the car keys. Right. Until the agreement can be met. And, you know, kids really respond to this, especially if you end. Cap it with, like, for the next week, like a finite period of time for the next week. Let's try this and see how it goes. And then we can. Great suggestion.

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And we can talk about it a week later and see how you feel and see how I feel. And always tying these conversations back to what you mentioned earlier, which is our. What's really important to all of us, which is keeping our kids safe and bringing that piece into the conversation that, hey, it's my job to keep you safe.

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And for today or for this week, this is what I'm comfortable with in terms of keeping you safe. Right. How do you feel about that? What are you comfortable with? A lot of these kids have seen poor role models as adults. Don't you think teens want to be treated as an adult?

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And they think they're adults already at that age.

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So if they're emulating poor behavior, I would think that having conversations with them about what they think being a mature and responsible adult means to them would make sense, wouldn't it?

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We're all going to have more success in conversations like that if we turn the conversation around and we ask our teenagers the question. Question.

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So instead of telling them what a responsible adult looks like, what they do, their character traits, what a commitment looks like, let's start asking them.

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It's much more effective. What do you think? Ask your child, what do you think it means to be a responsible adult? I can see you really want to act like an adult and be treated like one. What do you think that entails?

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What sorts of responsibilities? Right. How do you talk to your parents? How do you talk to your friends? Start asking them the questions. Because when we get into a position where we're telling them, they just view it as a lecture and they stop listening.

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Now we're getting into teaching good life skills. What do you think are some good strategies for building life skills with teens? Yeah, I think the one we just talked about is a great place to start, is that, you know, this is a little trick you can do is whenever you feel the urge to offer advice or wisdom, which we all have a lot to offer, is to turn it into a question and get the conversation going with asking them what do they think and how do they feel about things?

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Because ultimately we really want to help them learn how to think for themselves, to make good decisions. And if we're always telling them what the good decision is, they don't build that life skill. They don't build that muscle of problem solving for themselves.

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And so one thing I love to help my clients with is we shift it to not how can you help your kid? But how can you help your kid help themselves?

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These issues are the same whether you've been through trauma or not. If we ask them where they're challenges are, no matter where that child has come from, no matter what situation they are in, then they're giving us the information that we need to help them with. Yes. And the really cool thing, Laura, is that all of a sudden, when we hear our kids or our grandkids talking to us and we hear their thought process, it's actually very settling for us because we are just in the framework of telling them and talking at them all the time.

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We still are worried and scared because we're not real sure if they're listening and if they're going to integrate what we're saying versus if we can pull it out of them and have them come up with what they want to do differently. It's very settling for us. It's much more effective to decrease our worries and fears because we can see their thought process before our very eyes. So if you take the example of my client whose kid was smoking pot after we uncovered the real reason and we helped validate his feelings and not feel so alone or like anything's wrong with him for wanting to fit in with this group, you then can have this conversation of, okay, well, now that you've shared, you actually really don't feel that great. When you smoke pot and you want to be friends with these guys, you don't really want to be high all the time.

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Like you. Right. As a parent, you can say to them, well, what do you think you could do differently versus telling them what to do differently? Mm.

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And you elicit it from them and keep saying, well, tell me more. Okay, that's a possibility. What else? These little phrases that keep them talking and keep their mind thinking about solutions because we want them to build those life skills. And the cool thing is, as we ask really good questions to get their mind to do the thinking right, that helps them trust themselves that they can solve their own problems or at least have good ideas to try. And that's in essence what builds confidence, is that self trust, Right. Versus when we offer our solutions, they're not building self trust because they're just. If we're lucky and they listen to us, great. But they're not building that muscle, that life skill of solving their own problems. They're not Learning to trust that they can figure things out, and therefore they're not having the opportunity to build confidence. I think we all want to raise. Confident kids, so by becoming more curious about these little human beings, we're encouraging them to think and evolve on their own. Yeah. I mean, I think what you hit on right there, Laura, is if you walked away today with one thing you want to try differently, I would try to lean into curiosity. Right. Lean into being more curious, having a sense of wonder.

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Right. Try to tone down the why'd you do this?

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You know, why are you doing that? And instead try to approach conversations with. Starting with what? Like, you know, so what happened there? Or what's going on?

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Or, you know, what do you think's getting in your way of not studying for a test? Or, you know, tell me about why you seem to be having, you know, difficulty getting off of your phones and devices. What's going on there? Right. Really leaning into that curiosity and quieting down our urge to offer our wisdom and advice, even though it's really good. I think that's great advice. I think we can all learn from that in any relationship that we're in. Right. That's so true. That's so true. And I think with kids, with our kids, so many. I hear this from clients all the time. They're like, why can't they just do what I say?

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It would be so much easier. I was like, yeah, it would. Herein lies the problem.

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Yes. So how can we change our approach so that it is easier?

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Because most the time they're not just going to do what we tell them to do. So it's difficult to make changes.

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And you're speaking to individuals who have been doing things a certain way for a long time. Not to say that I don't believe people can change, because I know I've been changing through this process. Can you give us some suggestions about how to make some of these changes from transitioning from traditional parenting to more modern parenting techniques such as these? Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'd be happy to. I mean, I think it starts first with, we have to be motivated to make a change. Right.

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And motivation is all about what's in it for me. Right. And so one way we can just start is by asking ourselves, well, how is my approach working? Yeah.

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Right. Is it giving me the result that I want? Do I have the connection that I want? Yes. Do I have a smooth relationship with no conflict and no arguments? Are they listening to me? And really just starting there and asking yourself, how's my approach Going, how's that working?

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And to recognize it's like, okay, if it's not working, it really would be beneficial to me and to also my grandchild to try something new and different. And that's the best place to start, is just having that awareness that, oh, wait, what I'm doing is not really giving me the outcome that I want, and so I want to try something different. And then beyond that, some of the things we talked about today, right. Resisting that urge to talk to them, you know, the very second that you want to, because that tends to be an emotionally reactive conversation versus we talked about, you know, resisting that urge and slowing down and waiting till we can feel more calm and grounded in the conversation so we don't repel them when we start talking to them.

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Right. We don't. They don't shut us down. And then curiosity is another one. And, you know, actively listening, showing them that we're on their side and on their team, validating their feelings of humiliation or pressure or overwhelm or anxiety or stress.

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Right. Getting in there really, I think that was something really missing from most of our childhood is just having more emotion and feeling conversations and validating those feelings. That's what enables our kids to make better choices when they're not so stuck in feeling, I'm not smart enough, I'm not good enough.

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Right. Some of those feelings really can take you down and really have a hard time figuring out how to make a better choice. And then, you know, the last strategy that we touched on was how can we help them to help themselves, you know, through teaching and guiding and, yes, having those firm boundaries, but finding some agreements and compromises and seeing and reminding ourselves, I really have a good kid who's just struggling with a behavior.

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But let's work together as a team to try to work through those problems together, because no one intends to make bad choices.

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No way. We're wired. No. So hopefully that gives you a bunch of strategies to think about and mull over. It does. I think we brought up some great stuff. Thank you so much for your time. Wonderful work that you're doing. Thank you. Thank you for having me. I love how aligned we are of just trying to share information and resources and new approaches that we didn't grow up with and we never learned. So thank you for having me, Laura. Oh, you're so welcome. Do you have anything else you'd like to share with the listeners?

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Just, you know, if they want, if this resonates with them, what I'm talking about, and they want to Learn more. You know, you can go check out my website, which is janinemushwar.com the best thing to do is like hop on my email list and then you'll know when.

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I've got some classes that are coming up.

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I'm also on, you know, Instagram. I have a Facebook group called Parenting Teens how to Not Lose youe. So grandparents are welcome too.

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We do have some grandparents in there who are raising children because it's the same thing whether you're the grandpa, parent or the mom or the dad. It's the same strategies and principles. So you can find me there as well.

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Fabulous. Great. Thanks, Janine. Thanks for your time.

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Thank you, Laura. Thanks for joining us today for another episode of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. I encourage you to share both your challenges and your successes with us.

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Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear. Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. Next week, join us for an enlightening conversation with the distinguished parenting educator and author Richard O'Keefe. A pioneer on a mission to break generational cycles of trauma and abuse, Richard insists that when we meet the four emotional needs of a child that they cannot fail. In this episode, Richard takes us on a journey through his life's work, from overcoming his own challenges as a young parent to revolutionizing parenting practices with his groundbreaking four Emotional Needs Framework. Discover how Richard's practical no fluff advice is impacting lives even within the walls of state prisons. Helping incarcerated parents forge Helping parents forge healthier, stronger connections with their children. We'll delve into his latest book, 911 what is your Parenting Emergency? And explore why Richard is determined to make his approach as indispensable to parents as the five love languages is to relationships.

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Plus gain insights into his unique blend of interpersonal communication skills and business acumen which have empowered countless parents to nurture confident, responsible children. As a father, grandfather, great grandfather, and marathon enthusiast, Richard's journey is as inspiring as it is informative. Don't miss this opportunity to learn from a true advocate for positive change in family dynamics. Thank you for tuning in to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing through Adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you, and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.