Four Skills That Correct 99% of Behaviors with Nicholeen Peck

WEBVTT

00:00:00.560 --> 00:00:15.130
Are you tired of the constant arguing and chaos that comes with raising defiant children and teens? Join us today as we dive into simple yet powerful tricks to simplify your parenting experience and bring harmony to your household.

00:00:15.589 --> 00:00:41.340
In this episode, we are honored to be joined by renowned parenting expert Nicholeen Peck as we uncover several helpful routines from the teaching self government program. Discover how this innovative approach can free families from emotional bondage and inspire parents to create a nurturing and unified environment based on calmness and self governed relationships.

00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:50.859
Join us for a journey towards simplifying parenting chaos and fostering a nurturing environment that benefits both children and grandparents alike.

00:00:55.329 --> 00:01:43.959
Welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of childrearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

00:01:46.310 --> 00:02:04.209
We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

00:02:05.310 --> 00:02:14.659
Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

00:02:22.280 --> 00:03:26.385
I'm back with Nicholeen Peck. We're talking about the teaching self government program. We're going to be offering a parenting mastery program for grandparents raising grandchildren in the spring. So I would like to ask asked Nicholeen today about some helpful routines that will give you a little taste of the program for day to day parenting for grandparents. Because our grandparents lives are complicated as it is, coupled with the fact that some of us are already having challenges with our health, we're a little slower than we used to be, and some of us are showing early signs of memory loss. So, nickeling. Share with us a few simple routines for our day to day lives that could help us initiate self government principles in our family's lives. Yeah, my pleasure. There are so many things that we could talk about. I'll try to give you as many things as I can in this short podcast. So I think if we group it into three categories, that would be good.

00:03:26.538 --> 00:04:13.129
So number one is pre teaching. This is one of the skills of self government for parents. There's different skills for the parents or grandparents, and then there's skills for the children and all of them are actually adult skills. Now, if you're, you know, a little later in life, like both of us are, then you like to be a little bit more planned sometimes. I mean, sure, spontaneity is nice, you know, being, oh, I'm gonna just take a nap. But we don't get that anymore when we're raising our grandchildren, right. It's not as common, but usually we have to be a little bit more planned out. We think, okay, I'm gonna put my doctor appointments that far out in the future, we get more planned. So why do we plan things out for our future? Because it decreases our anxiety, that's why.

00:04:13.590 --> 00:07:16.420
So when our grandchildren are learning how to change things about themselves, why not help them decrease their anxiety, too? So one of the ways that we can help them decrease their anxiety is by making things as predictable as possible for them. If things are predictable, number one, they can't manipulate as much because the structure is more firm. If we have declared layered ahead of time, this is how we're going to play this out. This will be the positive, this would be the negative. This is the skill you need. This is how we handle every single time the same. There's just no wiggle room there. There's a lot of security and consistency with that type of a structure. And we all know that data has proven, proven, proven groundbreaking data years and years ago that children thrive on structure. So we know they need to have a structure. So what can we do? There's three different types of pre teaching. I'm probably just going to go into one of them today. So pre teaching, there's either prepping situational pre teaching or instructional pre teaching. I'm going to be focusing on situational pre teaching. So if with your children, you tell them what's coming before it's going to come, you might think this is annoying and this is more words, and why do I have to say more words? But I want you to know that when you do this, their brain activity goes to the front. Okay. So they start using prefrontal cortex brain. This helps them focus in more on what you're going to say. They start thinking about logical steps instead of thinking about emotions, because you give them this slight opportunity to focus on a skill that they already know. And we'll talk about some of those skills in a moment. But the pre teaching skill first, what you do is you describe what is happening right now or what is going to be coming up. So one of the biggest times that I describe is when I am getting in the car so, like when I'm in the car, if I'm in the car, we're going to a certain place. Maybe it's an activity I pre teach. We're going home. I pre teach about what to expect when we get home. I just prepare everybody. That way you have way less bad behavior that you need to deal with. So let's say I'm going to give my child or my grandchild a no answer about eating another piece of candy. Okay, so let's say they're going to ask me for a piece of candy. I already know I want to give them a no answer about it. Now they have the skills for how to accept a no answer. We're going to talk about those in a minute, but I'm going to just prepare them to use that, those steps to that skill of accepting a no answer. So there are four steps to that skill and they know them. They are to look at the person, keep a calm face, voice and body, say, okay, or ask to disagree appropriately, and then drop the subject. So let's say my child comes to, my grandchild comes to me and they say, grandma, can I have another candy?

00:07:16.959 --> 00:08:10.673
Then I'm going to start with a pre teach. I'm not just going to give them a no answer. I'm going to say, you know, right now I'm going to pre teach you. So do you remember the steps for accepting a no answer? They might say, well, yeah, you look at the person, keep a calm face, voice and body, say okay, or ask to disagree appropriately, and then you drop the subject. Then you can praise them. Wow, that was a great job. Just now you told me all of the steps of accepting a no answer that shows you really understand that skilled. So I know you're not going to have any problem with this. So that was describing what's happening and now I'm praising them. And in that praising, I'm giving them a rationale because you know this, you're not going to have any problem going forward. So now we're very positive moving forward. Then I'm going to tell them what happens if they use their skill? What happens if they don't use their skill.

00:08:10.721 --> 00:09:07.370
So remember, I have that teaching self government choices map which helps them know, okay, if I go this way with my choice, and this is what happens, if I go this way with my choice, then this is what happens. So I'm going to to them. If you choose to accept the no answer that I have for you coming up, then that will save you a lot of time because we won't have to talk about it, and you'll get praised for it, and you'll feel good because you used your skill. If you choose not to accept the no answer that's coming, then that's okay. We'll just take a little bit of time, and we'll talk about it, and we'll do a correction for it, and you'll get an opportunity to earn a negative consequence. And there are certain negative consequences that I always use that are good for character development. Now, you can see the tone in that is really important. When a person learns self government, there's a certain type of a tone, a certain type of a structure that's the best. And obviously, calmness, being positive, you know, hopeful, trusting the child will learn.

00:09:07.409 --> 00:09:29.581
These are all very good things. So not taking anything personally, then I'm going to say, now, remember, the steps to accepting a no answer are to look at the person, keep a calm face, voice, and body, say, okay, or ask to disagree appropriately, and then drop the subject. Here's your no answer. No, you can't have a candy. Okay, now that's a lot of talking for no, you can't have a candy.

00:09:29.686 --> 00:10:02.389
And somebody might be saying to, you know, themselves, you gotta be kidding me. I should be able to just say, no, you can't have a candy. Well, yes, you can just say, no, you can't have a candy. And once you have taught your child enough times that when I say no, you need to use your skill of accepting a no answer, then they will just say, okay, or they'll disagree appropriately with you. But if I have a hunch that that child could have a hard time with accepting that no answer for the candy, then you better believe I'm going to prepare their brain to have less anxiety.

00:10:03.049 --> 00:10:24.615
I'm going to teach them ahead of time what's coming and what to expect. And then if I tell them, oh, just now, you didn't accept a no answer when I gave you one. And if I have to go into a correction at that point, then they're already expecting it. That's no surprise for them. We already talked about it ahead of time, so planning ahead of time is huge.

00:10:24.648 --> 00:10:49.960
And like I said, there's three different ways to do this. I've just been touching on one way, but just preparing the people ahead of time is going to make your life better. Teaching self government hinges on the concept of pre teaching, because if you don't pre teach, then you are literally just shocking and surprising your children. And sometimes you might have shocked them enough that they're afraid that they'll have good behavior for a little bit.

00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:57.337
But what happens when they just start pushing back against you? Because they're strong willed, you end up now in power struggles all the time.

00:10:57.514 --> 00:12:21.943
You need to have a way to help them succeed before it gets to the moment of correction. All the time. And when we're talking about correction, that brings me to number two. So the second thing that I wanted to share with you is that we need to make sure that we see corrections are not a negative thing. Okay? That's important. Our mindset on corrections, it's important a lot of people think, well, negative consequence, it means it has to be negative. Right? I don't like thinking I'm doing a negative thing to another person. I don't like having to talk about the negative. Okay, well, so then let's just remove the whole idea of negative entirely. If I were at the office, let's go back to being at the office. Okay. If I were at the office, I'm working, say, at the funeral home where I used to work, and somebody comes up to me, say, it's my superior, my boss. They come up to me and say, nicholeen, I noticed that you were doing some paperwork. And on the paperwork, you are not putting the date. This is going to be a problem because our files will not be complete without the date. I know it seems insignificant, maybe like kind of a waste of time, but we absolutely have to have the date. Otherwise, all of our files can be messed up and legally, we could get into trouble. So we need dates.

00:12:22.111 --> 00:12:40.312
So going forward, you need to do the dates. And you know what? Since you didn't do the dates before, before you file the folder for the next week, could you just come show us that we look over it to make sure that we're not filing things without the dates, I would say yes. Do you know what just happened right there?

00:12:40.375 --> 00:13:09.639
A really good correction. If I was immature, I would take that feedback negatively. But because I know how to accept consequences, which, by the way, is another one of the four basic skills we teach children. So what are we learning here? That those four basic skills are not just for children, they are adult skills. Okay, if I can take correction from a boss, why can't I take correction from a spouse? And why shouldn't our children learn that correction is okay?

00:13:09.679 --> 00:13:48.028
It's productive. It can even be positive. So I tell people all the time, you should feel closer to your children during and after a correction than you even did before. If you do not feel close to your children, during a correction or to your grandchildren during a correction, then that's probably your own mindset that is to blame because you have decided that this is not a positive moment for you. Instead, if you decide, this is great, this is me being grandma teaching my grandchildren, then what's the big deal? Then have the moment. Teach them. Live in your space, because that is your space.

00:13:48.083 --> 00:14:01.740
When you're being the grandma doing that teaching. We need to have confidence in that. And one of the things that we need to do when we do good teaching there is don't react emotionally. Don't think, don't take their misbehavior personally.

00:14:02.639 --> 00:14:13.111
That is so important. And the way that we phrase our corrections should hopefully show that we're not taking the reaction personally. And there's a way that I can teach you how to do that.

00:14:13.296 --> 00:14:31.662
So number two, let's make sure that corrections aren't framed as negative. If you don't think they're negative, and if you've told the children, hey, this is no big deal, and if you heard me when I talked before in the pre teach, I said, then no big deal, we'll just do a correction.

00:14:31.846 --> 00:14:42.621
Who am I telling? It's no big deal. Them, but I'm also telling, who? Me. Then no big deal. We'll just do a correction. Tell yourself, pre teach yourself.

00:14:42.765 --> 00:14:57.107
Then it will be no big deal for me to do a correction. Okay, so number two, no big deal. Tell yourself, no big deal. This is a child. They all learn and grow. You learned and grew. Your children learned and grew. The neighbors children.

00:14:57.163 --> 00:15:00.480
Everybody learns and grows. You can't stop it if you want to.

00:15:00.940 --> 00:15:44.953
So then just trust in the process. That brings me to number three, which is skill development. We need skills, not emotions. Okay. Skills, not emotions. So there are four basic skills that I teach grandparents and parents how to teach their grandchildren and children those four basic skills. If a person learns those four basic skills and the skill sets associated with those four basic skills, that takes care of 99% of their behavioral problems. That is a lot. When people ask me, well, what about this? I look at the skills and say, well, your child's probably not dropping the subject. Yeah, but what about this? Well, they're probably not keeping the calm face, voice and body.

00:15:45.081 --> 00:15:52.402
Nope. Oh, they're not disagreeing appropriately. I can pinpoint from those steps to those skills what they need.

00:15:52.586 --> 00:15:56.361
So let's talk about those. There are four basic skills.

00:15:56.505 --> 00:16:26.895
They are following instructions, accepting no answers and criticism. Because when you hear a criticism, it kind of sounds like no to you. Right. And so it's the same skill. And then accepting consequences. A person cannot learn self government if they are not given the opportunity to accept consequences. One of the biggest parenting mistakes that is made today is that parents are afraid of consequences.

00:16:27.087 --> 00:16:41.048
They are afraid of teaching their children cause and effect. And we are now getting a generation of wildness because of it, because they have a negative association with consequences.

00:16:41.183 --> 00:17:20.720
Why? When I made the cookies and everyone cheered, that was a positive consequence. Why would I be afraid of that? Consequences are just consequences. It's just feedback. It's just data that we can use to self assess and make better plans for ourselves going forward. That's self government. So accepting consequences is huge. If we don't give them the opportunity to accept their consequences, they can't learn self government. And then everything that ever happens to them will be your fault and not their fault. And so then they don't get the opportunity. They'll just be in a blame game for their life, which some people never grow out of.

00:17:21.180 --> 00:17:32.299
So then number four is disagreeing appropriately. This is the skill that they use to explain their point of view to you. They do it in a way that's appropriate, still honoring your roles.

00:17:32.380 --> 00:18:09.660
Which, boy, we could talk about roles for a whole hour, but they are able to say, okay, I honor who you are, but I need to talk to you about something. They know how and when to do this. They know how to seek to understand other people's point of view, and they know how to share their point of view in a helpful way. And all of these skills have steps associated with them. I already talked about accepting no answers, and so when you accept no answers, there's those four steps. When you follow instructions, there's five steps. When you accept consequences, there's six steps. When you disagree appropriately, there's seven steps.

00:18:09.779 --> 00:18:42.819
I think we don't have time to go into all the nitty gritties of all the steps of all these, but I think I would like to just do disagreeing appropriately, because disagreeing appropriately is really, I would say, the gateway skill to self government. If your grandchildren learn that, if they just talk to you calmly about something, that that's better than having a tantrum and whining or having an attitude problem and pushing back, then everything changes. And by the way, my foster children were all between the ages of twelve and 18. So I did therapeutic treatment care for troubled teens. So these skills are not just for baby grandchildren.

00:18:42.940 --> 00:19:05.415
These are for all ages. And then I raised my children from teeny tiny all the way up. My grandbaby, my grandchild, Clara. She's two and a half. By the time she was six months old, she could self regulate by taking deep breaths. By the time she was 14 months old, she could disagree appropriately and calm herself again by taking deep breaths when prompted.

00:19:05.548 --> 00:19:12.420
She is now two and a half. She knows all of the skills, those four basic skills, and all of their steps to all of them.

00:19:12.799 --> 00:19:16.256
That's amazing. And she can tell you that person is not calm.

00:19:16.407 --> 00:19:58.200
That person needs to be calm so she can do all of those things. And she is two and a half years old, so they are for all ages, just so you know. So here's the steps to disagreeing appropriately. You look at the person. This is significant because we need to honor the roles. We need to establish connection when we're communicating with each other. So no more yelling at the bottom of the stairs, at the top of the stairs, or wherever you are on the stairs. I know it's not fun with the knees to go down the stairs. I get it. But we need to call them to come to us, have them look at us in our eyes when we're giving them instruction. Okay? So you look at the person. They have to look at you. Step number two, keep a calm face, voice and body.

00:19:58.700 --> 00:20:23.579
They need to know what that means. We probably are going to have to deliberately teach it. Step number three, after they've asked, may I disagree appropriately, which we want to teach them to do, so that we remember to listen and understand them. Then what they do is they say that they understand your point of view. They say, I understand that you don't want me to go out and play right now because it's getting late at night and it's starting to be dark.

00:20:24.240 --> 00:20:49.261
So they actually say that they understand where you're coming from. If you already gave a no answer about going out to play because it was going to be dark, they can tell you that they got the message that decreases your anxiety, which is nice, and it decreases theirs, too. Then the next step, step number four, is they explain their point of view. But I told Johnny that I would go outside, and he's been waiting for me, and I don't want him to wait in the dark.

00:20:49.365 --> 00:20:59.645
And so I thought it would be good if I could maybe play for another five more minutes. Would it be okay if I played for another five more minutes? Then they listen to what you have to say.

00:20:59.837 --> 00:21:03.329
So that is step number five. Listen to what you have to say.

00:21:04.109 --> 00:21:11.647
You either say okay or you say no. And then they say, okay. So that's step number six.

00:21:11.824 --> 00:21:48.779
And then they drop the subject, which means they don't ruminate on it, they don't think about it anymore, they don't talk about it anymore, they don't go talk to Grandpa about it and hope to get a different answer. No, they just drop the subject. Learning that skill alone can decrease even more anxiety in your household, can make it so that people feel understood, but you can still be consistent and have those lines and those boundaries that you need to so that they're honoring your parental authority. So when you're the grandparent raising the grandchildren, you have to maintain parental authority just like the parents would.

00:21:52.720 --> 00:22:25.509
Well, those are three great steps that I know that we can all put into action tomorrow. I'm going to run through those real quickly. We're talking about the three steps of pre teaching, providing expectations to getting comfortable with corrections not being a big deal. I love that one. Three skill development, not being emotional about skill development, and all the steps that are involved with that. I think those are a great way for people to be introduced to the teaching self government program.

00:22:25.809 --> 00:22:42.130
Well, that's the end of this episode, and I can't wait to get into the next episode with you. Nicholeen, this has been wonderful and I really appreciate your time and all the great information that you're sharing with grandparents. Thank you. Yeah, my pleasure. Thanks for having me.

00:22:44.309 --> 00:23:00.920
Thanks so much for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren. Nurturing through adversity I encourage you to share your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.

00:23:01.660 --> 00:24:19.299
You can submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. If you enjoyed this show, please share it with a friend that needs to hear. And if you love the show and you're listening on a broadcasting platform like Apple or Spotify, just scroll down in your app and please leave us a review. Next week on grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity author and entrepreneur Philip Blackett opens up about his personal journey, growing up without a father and raising autistic twin daughters. Drawing from his experiences, Philip reflects on the critical role of fathers in shaping identity and relationships, and shares cherished memories of his grandmother's love and support. His book, Disagree without Disrespect, offers a framework for navigating differences with truth and respect, valuable wisdom for grandparents raising grandchildren. Join us as Philip discusses faith, family, and the importance of leaving a positive legacy, all while exploring how to approach challenging relationships with love and understanding.

00:24:20.309 --> 00:24:35.009
Thank you for tuning in to grandparents. Raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope. In the face of adversity.

00:24:36.509 --> 00:24:46.750
Peace be with you. And I pray that you find some. Time this week to listen to your. Inner wisdom amongst the noise and the. Pandemonium of this world.