Dec. 31, 2024
An Action and Evidence-Based Method of Exploring Grief
In this heartfelt episode, we sit down with grief expert Victoria Volk, a compassionate guide for those navigating the complex landscape of loss. With her unique background and extensive experience, Victoria sheds light on the often-overlooked challenges faced by grandparents who find themselves raising their grandchildren while grappling with the profound grief of losing a child.
Join us as we unpack the universal experience of grief, exploring its impact on family dynamics and relationships. Victoria shares her insights into the distinct grief felt by grandparents, discussing how it affects their connection with their grandchildren and the importance of open conversations about loss.
Throughout the episode, Victoria offers practical tools for healing, from creating a nurturing home environment to embracing self-care practices that can significantly enhance mental and emotional well-being. With methods such as Reiki and Biofield Tuning, she emphasizes the importance of prioritizing one's own health while providing love and support to the younger generation.
As we journey from surviving to thriving, Victoria encourages listeners to embrace their grief as part of their personal story and to seek out supportive networks. Whether you're a grandparent raising grandchildren or simply interested in the complexities of grief, this episode invites you to find strength in your sorrow and empowers you with resources to foster healing.
To learn more about Victoria Volk, and her methods of resolving grief, please visit https://www.theunleashedheart.com/
Tune in for this enlightening conversation, filled with warmth, hope, and actionable insights.
Thank you for tuning into today's episode. It's been a journey of shared stories, insights, and invaluable advice from the heart of a community that knows the beauty and challenges of raising grandchildren. Your presence and engagement mean the world to us and to grandparents everywhere stepping up in ways they never imagined.
Remember, you're not alone on this journey. For more resources, support, and stories, visit our website and follow us on our social media channels. If today's episode moved you, consider sharing it with someone who might find comfort and connection in our shared experiences.
We look forward to bringing more stories and expert advice your way next week. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other.
Want to be a guest on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity? Send Laura Brazan a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/grg
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Chapters
00:00 - Resilience through life's losses; conversation with expert.
03:51 - Victoria guides transitioning through grief and thriving.
08:46 - Grief accumulates; reconnecting brought healing experience.
11:26 - Experience strengthens credibility and relationships; resolve grief.
14:29 - Childhood: Internalizing emotions for perceived safety.
17:16 - Promotes humility, stops unhealthy behavior patterns.
21:02 - Unexpected perspective; discuss grief coping techniques.
25:46 - Working with others crucial for perspective.
28:29 - Self care was never properly demonstrated.
31:34 - Lack of parental guidance, but had freedom.
34:51 - Family bonding through sharing feelings is insightful.
38:08 - Kids received limited phone access and usage.
42:09 - Exploring healthier sports culture with Michael Huber.
43:17 - Upcoming episode on mentorship’s transformative power.
Transcript
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In this deeply moving episode, we will chat with grief expert Victoria Volk, who offers a compassionate lens on the unique challenges faced by grandparents raising their grandchildren while coping with profound loss. Discover how grief intricately weaves into family dynamics as Victoria addresses the distinct emotional landscape that unfolds when a grandparent must transition into this role.
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After the loss of a child or a spouse, or even a long held dream that's escaped our grasp.
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Join us to learn practical healing tools, from nurturing home environments to self care practices that can empower you on this journey. Whether you're a grandparent experiencing this heartache or someone seeking to better understand the complexities of this heartfelt conversation is one you won't want to miss.
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Tune in for hope, connection, and invaluable insights that will inspire your path from surviving to thriving.
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Welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child. Rearing for children who have experienced trauma. And offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.
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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.
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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and. Your journey is honored.
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I've had my fair share of what many would call losses throughout my life. From being abused as a child to experiencing a near death experience at a young age. My journey has not been easy. At 19, I was diagnosed with a severe illness. I went through a divorce and faced the unimaginable pain of losing my only son. And just when I thought I might find some peace at 64, life threw me another curve ball as I became a parent again to two young children diagnosed with complicated behavioral disorders, grief has been a familiar companion for me. But I've learned through these challenges what resilience truly means, what got me through those dark moments, what made me refuse to give up, and how can we find solace in the powerful truth? The grief is simply a part of life. Today, I'm excited to share this valuable conversation with grief expert Victoria Volk. Victoria is a self published author, an advanced certified grief recovery specialist, and the creator and podcast host of grieving Voices. She is also a Yasui and Karuna Reiki master certified biofield tuning practitioner, UMAP certified coach and end of life Doula.
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Her mission is to help those whose lives have been turned upside down by grief and lost transition from merely surviving to truly thriving. I can't wait for you to hear her insights on navigating grief and reclaiming our lives. Grief is an emotion that many of us, as humans, tend to avoid discussing as if it were a taboo topic. However, grief is as intrinsic to our human experience as the joys we celebrate. For many of us, especially as grandparents, grief can feel all too familiar. We may have faced the unimaginable loss of a child, or we might find ourselves grieving for a child who is struggling with mental illness, addiction, or is caught up in circumstances beyond our control. As Victoria says, trauma is what happens, but grief is what's left. So how can we navigate the often turbulent waters of grief? I asked Victoria to share with us her journey, how she discovered her calling in helping those whose lives have been deeply affected by loss and sorrow. First of all, I want to thank you for sharing your experience in this way through a podcast that people can find resources and connection in what you're doing. Because, I mean, for someone like me, I didn't have grandparents, really.
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I didn't grow up with grandparents. My father passed away, and then when I was eight, pretty much the entire family on his side wasn't in my life anymore. My grandmother, my mom's mom passed away. The year before my dad and my. Grandfather, her father had passed away the year I was born. So essentially, I grew up without grandparents.
00:06:12.980 --> 00:06:20.199
So you can imagine when there was grandparents day at school, I was the only one without a grandparent there.
00:06:20.540 --> 00:06:34.660
And so thank you for a shout. Out to all the grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. It is a sacrifice you never expected and you didn't ask for.
00:06:36.399 --> 00:07:23.350
But I can only imagine if I would have been in the shoes of the grandchild, of any grandchild listening to this, whose grandparent raised them, that it would have felt like such a blessing. So thank you for the work that you're doing. As far as my background, well, as I mentioned, my father passed away when I was eight, but my grandmother passed. Away the year before. And so you imagine my mother losing her mother, her father, her mother, her husband. I would say that she passed, died with him. You know what I mean? Like, there was so much that she was just emotionally unavailable. She was going through her own grief.
00:07:25.970 --> 00:07:43.240
And then I was molested after that. And just my life, my childhood was just really chaotic. I had a brother, a sibling that struggled with mental illness. Just a lot of chaos growing up in my household.
00:07:44.420 --> 00:08:50.370
And, you know, what happened into my early twenties was I. Because as a teen, I, you know, because I was more or less my. Mother'S emotional caretaker, because if she was. Okay, then I was okay, kind of her therapist, and I had to step. Into a role that a child shouldn't have to. And. But in my early twenties, all of. That kind of came out and manifested. All that grief, all that trauma manifested, and I started to abuse alcohol and kind of made up for my goody. Two shoes high school years. And, yeah, it just really. I was really headed down a really bad path. And I said a prayer, and, I don't know, God answered. And my husband came into my life, but he was a friend of mine. For, like, seven years. So it was interesting how we came together and neither of us really.
00:08:51.629 --> 00:08:55.029
Yeah, it's just, I guess, meant to be one type of thing.
00:08:55.070 --> 00:09:30.710
But anyway, as grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative, we experience losses throughout our entire lives. And as that happens, and about five years ago, early 2019, well, end of 2018, I realized that I wasn't okay. And my uncle, my father's brother, the only living brother, like all of his siblings, died younger than 60 or around 60.
00:09:32.450 --> 00:09:39.466
And I found out he had brain cancer, and I hadn't seen him since my dad's funeral.
00:09:39.577 --> 00:10:15.405
And I went to see him, and this would have been 30 years later. And it was a very healing experience, I think, for both of us. I was writing my book at the. Time, or it was in the editing. Phase of my book, and it was just a really spiritually explorative time and awakening time for me. And I realized, yeah, I'm not really okay, and went to Google and I phone grief recovery, and that changed my life. Yeah.
00:10:15.477 --> 00:10:21.049
It's an action, an evidence based method to process grief.
00:10:21.870 --> 00:10:31.889
And it's not to forget. It's not to, you know, I don't know what the words people say.
00:10:32.710 --> 00:10:51.514
It's a way to process the pain. It's a method for processing the pain. Because trauma is what happens, but grief is what's left. And even when we think of trauma, it doesn't have to be, you know, really physically involved trauma.
00:10:51.601 --> 00:10:58.745
Right. It could be just something happening too fast, too soon, too much. You just.
00:10:58.817 --> 00:11:05.149
Your body, your brain, your mind, your heart, you can't process it. It's just too much coming at you.
00:11:06.090 --> 00:11:27.725
And the body remembers that energetically. And so that the grief work led into energy healing work. And it's really a beautiful blend of what I can bring my clients and. What I can provide people who are. Really struggling with grief. It sounds like it.
00:11:27.837 --> 00:12:29.340
I'm so excited to learn more. I always say that people that have been through hard things, if they can get through that wall, they are so valuable to others because they can speak from experience. They are credible messengers, so to speak. Right. If we don't resolve that grief, how does that affect relationships, do you think so? I think it's important to think for me to share that. When you come into a method like the grief recovery method, what I do. With clients, what I had to go through myself is what are my beliefs about grief? What have I been taught about grief? There are these myths of grief that are pretty universal. John James is the founder of the grief recovery method. He was a veteran.
00:12:30.610 --> 00:12:58.043
He had a son that died shortly after birth. His marriage was then falling apart, getting a divorce, and he was going to go to the beach and take his own life. And he had a question come to his mind, what do I wish would. Have been there for me? And that one question stopped him because he didn't want no one else to. Go through or feel how he was feeling.
00:12:58.201 --> 00:13:28.457
And he really wanted to get a deeper understanding of how do I stop? Like, how can I help myself and how do I help people not get to this point? And so that's how the grief recovery method was developed. He worked as a contractor at the. Time and then just started talking to. People, started talking with grievers. And it's been around for over 40 years. But it is, it works because we do look at, you have to look.
00:13:28.474 --> 00:13:46.274
At the past to see how it's. Informing the present, because if you don't. It'S going to inform the future. Like, you know, it's that saying, history repeats itself. So as a child, many of us. As children are taught, if you want.
00:13:46.282 --> 00:14:00.433
To cry, go to your room. You want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about. Like, you, to even express crying, which is a child's natural way to express emotion, is crying. Right. Like, that's a natural thing.
00:14:00.481 --> 00:14:08.169
But as children, we're often taught that's bad, it's wrong, it's weak. So I would hide to cry.
00:14:08.210 --> 00:14:11.889
I would go under my bed and cry. And then I'd fall asleep.
00:14:12.049 --> 00:14:19.720
I'd go in the linen closet to cry. I would hide coat closet, linen closet, under my bed.
00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:28.320
Just could not show it. And so one of the myths of. Grief is grieve alone.
00:14:29.259 --> 00:14:55.662
So as a child, I internalize that I'm just going to hold this all in. I'm just going to stuff it all down. And when your sense of security and safety is taken away, if you voice. Give voice to what's happening, and no. One'S listening, no one does anything, your trust is violated. So, like, all these myths of grief, like, grieve alone, don't feel bad.
00:14:55.725 --> 00:15:14.269
Replace the loss. You know, as children, we often, you. Know, we have a pet die and. The parents will, well, let's. We can go get another pet. Let's go down to the pet store. And get another one, right? Like, we'll just get another one. Not really. Not acknowledging the bond and connection that child may have had to that first pet.
00:15:15.490 --> 00:15:36.860
Because, like people, every pet is individual and unique, right? Their personalities are individual and unique. You just simply can't get another pet like you had. If anyone listening here has dogs, it's like, I've had a dog for now for ten years. It's like, there's no my daughter. She's like, can we just clone him?
00:15:36.899 --> 00:15:52.019
I'm like, yeah, I wish, you know. I lost my favorite pet a couple of years ago, and I don't know. If I'll ever be able to replace her. You can't, but that's the messaging that we're taught, right?
00:15:52.100 --> 00:16:43.980
Just replace the loss. Don't feel bad. Time heals. Right? Just give it time. You'll feel better in time. So these are some of the myths of grief that I think we are all born into. And that's the generational learning that's passed down. And so to talk about, to your question, initial question, which I can't remember exactly how you worded it. I don't remember it, but it's so. Important, I think, that we look at these beliefs that were coming with and then whether we're raising our grandchildren, which really is a second opportunity to do it better. You know, I oftentimes say that myself.
00:16:44.879 --> 00:16:51.860
Yeah, it's not too, because I think, you know, when you become a parent, it's.
00:16:52.360 --> 00:17:14.210
I said recently, becoming a parent is like the most intense personal growth project you will ever be given. Yes. And I meant even now, it doesn't. End as a parent again. In fact, it's one of the blessings I feel like, in a way, that. We'Ve received, because.
00:17:16.549 --> 00:17:23.900
It opens you up to humbleness in the way that nothing else does.
00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:55.190
And what I somehow remember more now than I even did when I parented the first time is that I'm very aware when I am repeating a pattern that's unhealthy and I stop dead in my tracks. It's like a deer caught in the headlight. And I go, oh, that's not okay. I don't want to pass that on to my grandchildren.
00:17:55.809 --> 00:17:58.029
So we talk about.
00:17:59.329 --> 00:18:32.571
And so when our backs are put. Against the wall, right. We're going to resort to what we. Know and whether that's, you know, if. We grew up in a home where. We were taught to grieve alone or. The behavior of resorting to things to make you feel better, like alcohol or. Drugs or shopping or gambling or relationships or, you know, all the children are like sponges. They're watching. They're always watching. And so, oh, when mom or dad feels that certain way, this is what they do.
00:18:32.715 --> 00:18:50.791
So this is what I have to do. Yeah. So, well, that must, that, you know. Oh, when they do that, they feel. They'Re smiling and they're laughing and, you know, alcohol can make you seem like. You'Re jolly go lucky. Right? And so if a child sees that. It'S like, well, I want to feel like that. So I guess, what do I have to do?
00:18:50.855 --> 00:19:28.339
Oh, I have to drink to feel that way, because there's something in me. Instead of talking about why we're resorting to that behavior with their children or. Why we're asking, not asking ourselves as the parent, why am I resorting to this behavior? Because that takes a lot of self awareness. Right. Our children are seeing that. I think that. You just made me realize, I think. That'S one of the difficult aspects of my life right now, because I think we expect when we retire, to be able to sort of fall back on. Our laurels, so to speak.
00:19:29.240 --> 00:19:49.869
It's time to do the things that we want to do, not the things we don't want to do. And it's difficult to constantly be thinking of, I can do better.
00:19:52.930 --> 00:20:45.596
I think we have to look at it in a more joyful way than we do. Not so much as a response, not. So much as task. A difficult task. But I think maybe I also need to look at it as a more differently. It's hard, but it's different. It's hard because. Human nature, our natural. Inclination, again, is to do what comes easy. And self awareness is like a muscle. That you have to flex. And I can imagine. I can imagine just myself, you know, it's like when you're a parent, you're just constantly on, and then when you. Become a grandparent, it's like you get a break.
00:20:45.667 --> 00:20:48.948
Right. I don't have to constantly be on. You can turn it off, but then.
00:20:48.963 --> 00:21:05.720
When you become a grandparent raising grandchildren again, you're constantly on. And so there's like, this isn't what. Was supposed to be. I was supposed to be able to. Get this mental break here, and that's a great idea. It's a different perspective that we're.
00:21:07.099 --> 00:21:09.920
It's a different perspective than we expected to have.
00:21:11.460 --> 00:21:27.690
And I can go on and on about that, but I'd like to talk about what techniques you specifically use to help us cope with grief in your practices.
00:21:31.029 --> 00:21:45.529
Well, let me just say what grief is. Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams. And expectations, and anything that you wish. Would have been different, better or more. That's a lot, if you think about it. Yeah.
00:21:47.769 --> 00:22:16.440
So as far as the practices, it's because it's evidence based and it's a method. Right. So we have this way of. It first starts with education, like educating yourself. The first ten episodes or so of my podcast, grieving voices, mostly the educational. Pieces of what we cover in the grief recovery method in my program, do. Grief differently, which is the method, plus.
00:22:16.740 --> 00:22:46.077
Umap, which is all about life and career satisfaction. I married the two. I put them together because when people work through their grief, it's like this. Burden has been lifted. You feel so much lighter now. You have all this emotional stuff that you've processed. You feel hope again. You feel rejuvenated, like there's something to look forward to. Now what?
00:22:46.134 --> 00:22:49.981
Right? So you ask the question, well, now what? So that's why that was.
00:22:50.006 --> 00:22:53.049
The UMAP was the missing piece when. I was working with grievers.
00:22:54.869 --> 00:23:09.480
But through the method, we talk about. Apologies, we talk about forgiveness, we talk. About all the things you couldn't say. Because either the person passed or because it's in a strained relationship. The person doesn't have to die for you to grieve.
00:23:10.299 --> 00:23:29.440
And so once you learn this process, you can also apply it to a relationship with money, your relationship with alcohol. Your relationship with your inner child, your. Relationship with your body image. I've applied it to many of those.
00:23:30.380 --> 00:23:41.599
And because everything is energy, you know. Our relationship with money is energetic. It's an energetic exchange. So what is my relationship with money?
00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:48.720
Because grief affects every area of our lives. We don't think of it really, as, you know, but it has these ripples.
00:23:49.420 --> 00:23:53.039
Why is it so hard for people. To let go of that?
00:23:53.819 --> 00:24:15.319
Because it's so. You would think it would be a celebration. You would think it would be somebody when you were presented with that option, you would think people would jump at the chance to do that. Why is it so hard for us. To let go of grief? I think it's because we don't think that the answer is in the past.
00:24:16.500 --> 00:24:18.839
But all the answers are in the past.
00:24:21.380 --> 00:24:28.519
And we get to the answer when. We ask deeper questions, and we simply don't ask ourselves deeper questions.
00:24:29.829 --> 00:24:33.089
When you ask yourself deeper questions, you get deeper answers.
00:24:34.150 --> 00:24:51.730
And so when people say, well, you. Have to do the work. I had a client of mine, at the end of the twelve weeks, she. Was like, you know, people say, you have to do the work. She's like, I get it now. This is the work. The really deep, emotional, painful.
00:24:53.990 --> 00:25:30.599
Confrontation of what we are afraid to confront. What kind of language do you use when you're approaching someone to begin uncovering that past grief? It's simply answering the question. It's applying what grief is and then. Asking yourself the question, so what in. My life do I wish would have been different, better or more? Where in my life did I have a loss of hopes, dreams and expectations?
00:25:32.140 --> 00:25:45.680
Just answering those two questions, you will. Probably uncover a lot of grief that. You have buried, that have nothing to do with death either. The question to someone would be like pulling a plug in a bathtub out.
00:25:46.380 --> 00:25:53.286
Yeah, and that's a great point to say, because this is why it's so important to work with somebody.
00:25:53.438 --> 00:26:31.220
Because, number one, you can't see the. Label from inside the jar. Number two, it's also important. And I think it matters that, yes, you have support in your life, friends, family, things like that. But these people in your life often have skin in your game, and anything that comes up for you might involve them. Right? And so even personally going through this. Work, I've had relationships fall away because. Of an awareness that I had, because. How it changed me.
00:26:31.920 --> 00:26:34.740
And people look at you and it's. Like, oh, you've changed.
00:26:35.519 --> 00:26:46.869
And I want to say, maybe it's. Just that you've stayed the same. You're not evolving and growing in your life. So you can flip that, right?
00:26:47.809 --> 00:26:51.394
Yeah. And so it's taking 1% responsibility for.
00:26:51.442 --> 00:27:01.630
What you can do in your life to improve your life. And when you improve your life, that has ripples too. Yes.
00:27:02.730 --> 00:27:13.250
I've often told the grandchildren that have grown up, that have been raised by. Grandparents, that sometimes speaking to someone else.
00:27:15.190 --> 00:27:40.579
We know that family has to love us. And the attachments are difficult to sort out at times. So I can see, speaking with someone. That doesn't have any skin in the. Game can help us to realize the personal value of what we're doing more so than a family member could.
00:27:41.279 --> 00:27:44.900
Yep. Let's talk about.
00:27:47.279 --> 00:27:51.019
Caring for ourselves enough. To do this work.
00:27:52.680 --> 00:28:07.960
I think it's. I don't know why it's so hard for many of us to understand that we need to nurture ourselves through these processes.
00:28:09.180 --> 00:28:15.640
Self care is oftentimes hard for us to give ourselves. Why is that?
00:28:16.579 --> 00:29:03.509
Well, I think it's very individual. I think it has a lot to do with our beliefs around self care as children, as we grew up. Right. We always resort to what we know. For me personally, I can only say. That I did not see self care emulated. For me, self care was not attention to mental health. Self care was not shown to be healthy communication, self care, I just did not see it shown to me, and. I did not know really what that. Was until probably the last five years.
00:29:04.609 --> 00:29:11.665
And my children are, I have one out of the house already, one that's going to be out of the house, and one that's a couple years from.
00:29:11.698 --> 00:29:30.859
Being out of the house. So, I mean, I went through all. Of my most of the child rearing. Years as a exhausted, mentally tapped out person because I did not put attention to that.
00:29:32.359 --> 00:29:43.536
That's amazing. Every phase of our lives, I feel like it's going to change. What's important, what we want to. What that means for us, I think.
00:29:43.567 --> 00:31:33.089
Will change over time. But I think in particular, after you've. Worked through your grief, you get it. You just get it. And then what going through this process had done for me is that I also didn't know what boundaries were because. Mine were crossed in so many violated ways. I wouldn't have known one if it. Slapped me in the face. And so I didn't know how to create boundaries either. And so that's been a learning process. As well into adulthood of what that means and what that means for me and my relationships. And so going through this work, you also realize where you haven't had boundaries, where others have shown you boundaries, but you didn't see it. Boundaries not to keep people out and not to protect yourself. Boundaries to honor your values. Boundaries that honor your values, because I. Think our values is what informs our boundaries. And a lot of us don't even. Really think about what we value. I think the type of sprint that comes from these things that we're talking about are unfamiliar to so many of us. I think if we were to envision our lives and our world as one in which we were coping with those emotional griefs in a more healthy way, and then nurturing ourselves through that process. The picture that most of us have. Been given as children would be quite different as adults.
00:31:34.289 --> 00:32:27.460
And I think a lot of children, because, well, I know me personally, like, there was no autonomy given to me as a child, really. I mean, I had autonomy in a way that I just didn't have a parent around in that way. Like, I had freedom in that way. Like I could. I was a latchkey kid, like I was. I had to become very independent from. A very young age. I don't really see that as autonomy, but just how I'm built, that was. In some respects, good for me, but. That could have a very different effect on another child. I'm very independent to my core, and that really just reinforced all of that for me. I was thinking how.
00:32:30.769 --> 00:33:02.250
We all have wiring from our childhood that is a bit dysfunctional. But our wish for these grandchildren and our wish for the next generation find this, more often than not, is to work on self correcting, generational mental health issues. And this is one of them. This is part of mental health.
00:33:03.630 --> 00:33:18.438
And that reminded me of you. Thank you. You just reminded me of what I was trying to get to, is that I think a large part of that then comes down to communication and how you communicate with the child and how.
00:33:21.599 --> 00:33:35.180
Because a child that learns safe and healthy boundaries, for example, this is. I never really gave this much thought until I've been doing this work. But, you know, as children, it's like, oh, give grandma and grandpa a hug.
00:33:36.279 --> 00:33:39.740
Give uncle so and so a hug. And kiss before we leave.
00:33:41.200 --> 00:33:52.200
Sometimes we don't know what that child's experiencing or what that person. You know, we all have these energetic, you know, our biofield, our energy field extends five to 6ft out.
00:33:52.660 --> 00:34:33.409
So as an adult, we have the autonomy, we have the self agency, where we can just avoid certain people that. Give us certain feelings. Right. We have that charge of ourselves to do that. And oftentimes children aren't given that opportunity to have that same sense of self agency. So they're forced. I don't listen to them. No. So they're forced to hug and kiss. People that they don't feel comfortable doing that with. There's something about that person that makes. Them uncomfortable, and yet they're put in. That position of they're forced to do that. And if they don't do that, then they're wrong. So I think that's a really simple.
00:34:33.989 --> 00:34:45.376
That's a really simple thing. Any parent or any grandparent raising grandchildren can do is, like you said, just listen. Like, if a child just does not. I don't want to. Okay.
00:34:45.407 --> 00:35:18.750
That's okay. We've started in our family talking about feelings. How do you feel now? Or how do you feel today? And it's been one of the most positive exercises that we've begun doing together as a family. I'm oftentimes surprised at what comes out of their mouths, which has taught me that I need to ask more often, how are you feeling? Because it comes out very easily for them.
00:35:19.369 --> 00:35:31.190
And they'll say something like, I'm feeling sick, and I never would have known they felt that way. But sick can mean a lot of different things. It can be sad, it can be.
00:35:31.670 --> 00:35:51.449
But identifying emotions with children has been a totally new experience for me. I'm sad to say that, but it's true. We assume too much about how they feel and project a lot of our feelings on them. Sadly to say.
00:35:53.150 --> 00:35:56.610
I'm working and changing that at 67.
00:35:58.679 --> 00:36:20.552
No, thank you for saying that, because you just. I got full body truth bumps because I am not perfect by any means. None of us. And you saying that, I recognize that I don't ask that enough. Even just saying, where are you? On a scale of one to 1010, being the happiest you've ever felt like. How are you feeling today?
00:36:20.735 --> 00:36:25.429
Yes, I'm going to take that as a daily challenge for me.
00:36:29.130 --> 00:36:42.750
We've tried to move into certain habits slowly because quick changes don't work well with us. But we oftentimes all are on tablets at dinnertime.
00:36:44.849 --> 00:37:14.679
And now we have a rule that. They can't go on their tablets. That the first part, probably the first. Half of dinner, is conversation. And we have three questions that we ask now, and one is, how are you feeling right now? And that's always an interesting conversation because all these ahas come up, you know, my husband will say, oh, I didn't. Know you were feeling that way. Why are you feeling that way?
00:37:15.019 --> 00:38:36.139
And then no one's allowed to get. Back on their tablets until they've heard everyone talk. So the second question is, what one. Good thing happened to you today? And the third one is, how would you, what super powers would you have right now if you could have any superpowers? And what would you do? And that is always takes up probably 75% of the conversation with kids, but it's. And they look forward to it. They actually don't even think about their. Tablets during that time. It's the favorite thing that they do. And it made me realize we just. Don'T talk to each other much anymore. It's the technology world. Right. And that effect for us, yeah, that's. We started a rule when they were very. Well, my kids didn't get cell phones until. I mean, much of their classmates had a cell phone before they got one. And then when they got one, they only had it on Wifi. And they didn't get like an actual cell phone plan or anything like that. It was just a cheap phone that they could play games on or whatever. But we always started that rule, no phones at the table.
00:38:36.849 --> 00:39:09.679
And so dinner time has always been. A very sacred time in our house. And because growing up, there just wasn't a lot of that in my house, because, as you can imagine, you know, my dad died and. Yeah. So that's a very sacred time in my house. Yeah. Well, I've really enjoyed our conversation, Victoria, so many takeaways. And as you said, I think that. It'S valuable to have someone else to. Talk to about grief.
00:39:10.860 --> 00:39:47.634
Your podcast, grieving voices, is on your website. Would you share with the listeners your website and the information that's on there? Yeah, it's theunleasedheart.com. I have a lot of free resources. On there, a bunch of free ebooks. I have an energy quiz that's free. I do energy healing distance or in. Person, but I do distance. You can even go about your day and have energy healing. I will be launching a, and this. Is a great way to get self.
00:39:47.681 --> 00:39:58.030
Care, but I'm going to be launching a energy healing membership very soon and. Get the recording and you can use it over and over.
00:40:00.719 --> 00:40:33.480
So that'll be two sessions a month in that membership. And yeah, I've got lots of free stuff on there and linked to my podcast, grieving voices, which is really a place where I bring people from all walks of life, all areas of expertise, and to share their personal experiences. That's how we connect. Right. That's how we can see ourselves in other people's stories. Storytelling is very healing and that's. I want us to talk about grief. Like we talk about the weather. And that's kind of my mission.
00:40:33.860 --> 00:40:48.440
And to dispel these myths that we're all taught and change how we think. About grief and talk about grief so. That future generations can do it better. Agreed.
00:40:49.059 --> 00:41:11.179
Thanks, Victoria. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for having me. Thanks for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. I encourage you to share both your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.
00:41:11.719 --> 00:41:25.670
Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together.
00:41:26.530 --> 00:41:33.630
Thanks for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren. Nurturing through adversity.
00:41:34.210 --> 00:42:09.250
I encourage you to share both your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear. Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. Were you that kid that hated sports. And were teased because of it, pushed. And prodded to be more athletic and. You did just the opposite?
00:42:09.949 --> 00:42:32.097
Or were you the kid that was very athletic and you found yourself pleasing your parents, maybe even killing yourself to be the best on the team? We'll get ready next week for an inspiring episode as we sit down with Michael Huber, a former corporate executive who made a bold leap in the world of sports psychology after nearly 20 years in the business.
00:42:32.233 --> 00:43:48.170
Michael's journey was fueled by his own recovery from gambling addiction and shaped by the dysfunction he observed as a sports parent and volunteer coach. In this candid conversation, Michael will share his mission to equip young athletes and their families with the essential tools to thrive in today's increasingly challenging and often toxic youth sports environment. His insights promise to shed light on the pressures young athletes face and how we can foster a healthier, more supportive atmosphere for them to flourish. Don't miss this opportunity to learn from Michael's experiences and wisdom as we explore how we can all contribute to a more positive sports culture. Get ready for an inspiring episode next week as we chat with Deborah Heiser, an expert in applied developmental psychology and the visionary behind the mentor project. In just 30 minutes, discover how mentorship can transform your life and the lives of your grandchildren. Doctor Heiser delves into the incredible benefits of mentorship for both older and younger generations, sharing heartwarming insights and practical tips for fostering meaningful connections.
00:43:48.630 --> 00:44:16.655
If you're a grandparent seeking ways to bond with your grandkids or want to learn more about the positive aspects of the power of mentorship, you won't want to miss this next enlightening discussion. Tune in next week for another journey of growth, connection, and inspiration on grandparents raising grandchildren. Nurturing through adversity thank you for tuning. In to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through.
00:44:16.728 --> 00:44:36.469
Adversity remember, you are not alone. Together, we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you. And I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.
00:00:01.040 --> 00:00:30.254
In this deeply moving episode, we will chat with grief expert Victoria Volk, who offers a compassionate lens on the unique challenges faced by grandparents raising their grandchildren while coping with profound loss. Discover how grief intricately weaves into family dynamics as Victoria addresses the distinct emotional landscape that unfolds when a grandparent must transition into this role.
00:00:30.422 --> 00:00:37.929
After the loss of a child or a spouse, or even a long held dream that's escaped our grasp.
00:00:38.869 --> 00:01:00.579
Join us to learn practical healing tools, from nurturing home environments to self care practices that can empower you on this journey. Whether you're a grandparent experiencing this heartache or someone seeking to better understand the complexities of this heartfelt conversation is one you won't want to miss.
00:01:01.240 --> 00:01:09.459
Tune in for hope, connection, and invaluable insights that will inspire your path from surviving to thriving.
00:01:14.040 --> 00:02:02.659
Welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child. Rearing for children who have experienced trauma. And offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.
00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:22.939
We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.
00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:33.360
Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and. Your journey is honored.
00:02:40.620 --> 00:04:14.560
I've had my fair share of what many would call losses throughout my life. From being abused as a child to experiencing a near death experience at a young age. My journey has not been easy. At 19, I was diagnosed with a severe illness. I went through a divorce and faced the unimaginable pain of losing my only son. And just when I thought I might find some peace at 64, life threw me another curve ball as I became a parent again to two young children diagnosed with complicated behavioral disorders, grief has been a familiar companion for me. But I've learned through these challenges what resilience truly means, what got me through those dark moments, what made me refuse to give up, and how can we find solace in the powerful truth? The grief is simply a part of life. Today, I'm excited to share this valuable conversation with grief expert Victoria Volk. Victoria is a self published author, an advanced certified grief recovery specialist, and the creator and podcast host of grieving Voices. She is also a Yasui and Karuna Reiki master certified biofield tuning practitioner, UMAP certified coach and end of life Doula.
00:04:15.259 --> 00:05:49.449
Her mission is to help those whose lives have been turned upside down by grief and lost transition from merely surviving to truly thriving. I can't wait for you to hear her insights on navigating grief and reclaiming our lives. Grief is an emotion that many of us, as humans, tend to avoid discussing as if it were a taboo topic. However, grief is as intrinsic to our human experience as the joys we celebrate. For many of us, especially as grandparents, grief can feel all too familiar. We may have faced the unimaginable loss of a child, or we might find ourselves grieving for a child who is struggling with mental illness, addiction, or is caught up in circumstances beyond our control. As Victoria says, trauma is what happens, but grief is what's left. So how can we navigate the often turbulent waters of grief? I asked Victoria to share with us her journey, how she discovered her calling in helping those whose lives have been deeply affected by loss and sorrow. First of all, I want to thank you for sharing your experience in this way through a podcast that people can find resources and connection in what you're doing. Because, I mean, for someone like me, I didn't have grandparents, really.
00:05:50.149 --> 00:06:12.680
I didn't grow up with grandparents. My father passed away, and then when I was eight, pretty much the entire family on his side wasn't in my life anymore. My grandmother, my mom's mom passed away. The year before my dad and my. Grandfather, her father had passed away the year I was born. So essentially, I grew up without grandparents.
00:06:12.980 --> 00:06:20.199
So you can imagine when there was grandparents day at school, I was the only one without a grandparent there.
00:06:20.540 --> 00:06:34.660
And so thank you for a shout. Out to all the grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. It is a sacrifice you never expected and you didn't ask for.
00:06:36.399 --> 00:07:23.350
But I can only imagine if I would have been in the shoes of the grandchild, of any grandchild listening to this, whose grandparent raised them, that it would have felt like such a blessing. So thank you for the work that you're doing. As far as my background, well, as I mentioned, my father passed away when I was eight, but my grandmother passed. Away the year before. And so you imagine my mother losing her mother, her father, her mother, her husband. I would say that she passed, died with him. You know what I mean? Like, there was so much that she was just emotionally unavailable. She was going through her own grief.
00:07:25.970 --> 00:07:43.240
And then I was molested after that. And just my life, my childhood was just really chaotic. I had a brother, a sibling that struggled with mental illness. Just a lot of chaos growing up in my household.
00:07:44.420 --> 00:08:50.370
And, you know, what happened into my early twenties was I. Because as a teen, I, you know, because I was more or less my. Mother'S emotional caretaker, because if she was. Okay, then I was okay, kind of her therapist, and I had to step. Into a role that a child shouldn't have to. And. But in my early twenties, all of. That kind of came out and manifested. All that grief, all that trauma manifested, and I started to abuse alcohol and kind of made up for my goody. Two shoes high school years. And, yeah, it just really. I was really headed down a really bad path. And I said a prayer, and, I don't know, God answered. And my husband came into my life, but he was a friend of mine. For, like, seven years. So it was interesting how we came together and neither of us really.
00:08:51.629 --> 00:08:55.029
Yeah, it's just, I guess, meant to be one type of thing.
00:08:55.070 --> 00:09:30.710
But anyway, as grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative, we experience losses throughout our entire lives. And as that happens, and about five years ago, early 2019, well, end of 2018, I realized that I wasn't okay. And my uncle, my father's brother, the only living brother, like all of his siblings, died younger than 60 or around 60.
00:09:32.450 --> 00:09:39.466
And I found out he had brain cancer, and I hadn't seen him since my dad's funeral.
00:09:39.577 --> 00:10:15.405
And I went to see him, and this would have been 30 years later. And it was a very healing experience, I think, for both of us. I was writing my book at the. Time, or it was in the editing. Phase of my book, and it was just a really spiritually explorative time and awakening time for me. And I realized, yeah, I'm not really okay, and went to Google and I phone grief recovery, and that changed my life. Yeah.
00:10:15.477 --> 00:10:21.049
It's an action, an evidence based method to process grief.
00:10:21.870 --> 00:10:31.889
And it's not to forget. It's not to, you know, I don't know what the words people say.
00:10:32.710 --> 00:10:51.514
It's a way to process the pain. It's a method for processing the pain. Because trauma is what happens, but grief is what's left. And even when we think of trauma, it doesn't have to be, you know, really physically involved trauma.
00:10:51.601 --> 00:10:58.745
Right. It could be just something happening too fast, too soon, too much. You just.
00:10:58.817 --> 00:11:05.149
Your body, your brain, your mind, your heart, you can't process it. It's just too much coming at you.
00:11:06.090 --> 00:11:27.725
And the body remembers that energetically. And so that the grief work led into energy healing work. And it's really a beautiful blend of what I can bring my clients and. What I can provide people who are. Really struggling with grief. It sounds like it.
00:11:27.837 --> 00:12:29.340
I'm so excited to learn more. I always say that people that have been through hard things, if they can get through that wall, they are so valuable to others because they can speak from experience. They are credible messengers, so to speak. Right. If we don't resolve that grief, how does that affect relationships, do you think so? I think it's important to think for me to share that. When you come into a method like the grief recovery method, what I do. With clients, what I had to go through myself is what are my beliefs about grief? What have I been taught about grief? There are these myths of grief that are pretty universal. John James is the founder of the grief recovery method. He was a veteran.
00:12:30.610 --> 00:12:58.043
He had a son that died shortly after birth. His marriage was then falling apart, getting a divorce, and he was going to go to the beach and take his own life. And he had a question come to his mind, what do I wish would. Have been there for me? And that one question stopped him because he didn't want no one else to. Go through or feel how he was feeling.
00:12:58.201 --> 00:13:28.457
And he really wanted to get a deeper understanding of how do I stop? Like, how can I help myself and how do I help people not get to this point? And so that's how the grief recovery method was developed. He worked as a contractor at the. Time and then just started talking to. People, started talking with grievers. And it's been around for over 40 years. But it is, it works because we do look at, you have to look.
00:13:28.474 --> 00:13:46.274
At the past to see how it's. Informing the present, because if you don't. It'S going to inform the future. Like, you know, it's that saying, history repeats itself. So as a child, many of us. As children are taught, if you want.
00:13:46.282 --> 00:14:00.433
To cry, go to your room. You want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about. Like, you, to even express crying, which is a child's natural way to express emotion, is crying. Right. Like, that's a natural thing.
00:14:00.481 --> 00:14:08.169
But as children, we're often taught that's bad, it's wrong, it's weak. So I would hide to cry.
00:14:08.210 --> 00:14:11.889
I would go under my bed and cry. And then I'd fall asleep.
00:14:12.049 --> 00:14:19.720
I'd go in the linen closet to cry. I would hide coat closet, linen closet, under my bed.
00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:28.320
Just could not show it. And so one of the myths of. Grief is grieve alone.
00:14:29.259 --> 00:14:55.662
So as a child, I internalize that I'm just going to hold this all in. I'm just going to stuff it all down. And when your sense of security and safety is taken away, if you voice. Give voice to what's happening, and no. One'S listening, no one does anything, your trust is violated. So, like, all these myths of grief, like, grieve alone, don't feel bad.
00:14:55.725 --> 00:15:14.269
Replace the loss. You know, as children, we often, you. Know, we have a pet die and. The parents will, well, let's. We can go get another pet. Let's go down to the pet store. And get another one, right? Like, we'll just get another one. Not really. Not acknowledging the bond and connection that child may have had to that first pet.
00:15:15.490 --> 00:15:36.860
Because, like people, every pet is individual and unique, right? Their personalities are individual and unique. You just simply can't get another pet like you had. If anyone listening here has dogs, it's like, I've had a dog for now for ten years. It's like, there's no my daughter. She's like, can we just clone him?
00:15:36.899 --> 00:15:52.019
I'm like, yeah, I wish, you know. I lost my favorite pet a couple of years ago, and I don't know. If I'll ever be able to replace her. You can't, but that's the messaging that we're taught, right?
00:15:52.100 --> 00:16:43.980
Just replace the loss. Don't feel bad. Time heals. Right? Just give it time. You'll feel better in time. So these are some of the myths of grief that I think we are all born into. And that's the generational learning that's passed down. And so to talk about, to your question, initial question, which I can't remember exactly how you worded it. I don't remember it, but it's so. Important, I think, that we look at these beliefs that were coming with and then whether we're raising our grandchildren, which really is a second opportunity to do it better. You know, I oftentimes say that myself.
00:16:44.879 --> 00:16:51.860
Yeah, it's not too, because I think, you know, when you become a parent, it's.
00:16:52.360 --> 00:17:14.210
I said recently, becoming a parent is like the most intense personal growth project you will ever be given. Yes. And I meant even now, it doesn't. End as a parent again. In fact, it's one of the blessings I feel like, in a way, that. We'Ve received, because.
00:17:16.549 --> 00:17:23.900
It opens you up to humbleness in the way that nothing else does.
00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:55.190
And what I somehow remember more now than I even did when I parented the first time is that I'm very aware when I am repeating a pattern that's unhealthy and I stop dead in my tracks. It's like a deer caught in the headlight. And I go, oh, that's not okay. I don't want to pass that on to my grandchildren.
00:17:55.809 --> 00:17:58.029
So we talk about.
00:17:59.329 --> 00:18:32.571
And so when our backs are put. Against the wall, right. We're going to resort to what we. Know and whether that's, you know, if. We grew up in a home where. We were taught to grieve alone or. The behavior of resorting to things to make you feel better, like alcohol or. Drugs or shopping or gambling or relationships or, you know, all the children are like sponges. They're watching. They're always watching. And so, oh, when mom or dad feels that certain way, this is what they do.
00:18:32.715 --> 00:18:50.791
So this is what I have to do. Yeah. So, well, that must, that, you know. Oh, when they do that, they feel. They'Re smiling and they're laughing and, you know, alcohol can make you seem like. You'Re jolly go lucky. Right? And so if a child sees that. It'S like, well, I want to feel like that. So I guess, what do I have to do?
00:18:50.855 --> 00:19:28.339
Oh, I have to drink to feel that way, because there's something in me. Instead of talking about why we're resorting to that behavior with their children or. Why we're asking, not asking ourselves as the parent, why am I resorting to this behavior? Because that takes a lot of self awareness. Right. Our children are seeing that. I think that. You just made me realize, I think. That'S one of the difficult aspects of my life right now, because I think we expect when we retire, to be able to sort of fall back on. Our laurels, so to speak.
00:19:29.240 --> 00:19:49.869
It's time to do the things that we want to do, not the things we don't want to do. And it's difficult to constantly be thinking of, I can do better.
00:19:52.930 --> 00:20:45.596
I think we have to look at it in a more joyful way than we do. Not so much as a response, not. So much as task. A difficult task. But I think maybe I also need to look at it as a more differently. It's hard, but it's different. It's hard because. Human nature, our natural. Inclination, again, is to do what comes easy. And self awareness is like a muscle. That you have to flex. And I can imagine. I can imagine just myself, you know, it's like when you're a parent, you're just constantly on, and then when you. Become a grandparent, it's like you get a break.
00:20:45.667 --> 00:20:48.948
Right. I don't have to constantly be on. You can turn it off, but then.
00:20:48.963 --> 00:21:05.720
When you become a grandparent raising grandchildren again, you're constantly on. And so there's like, this isn't what. Was supposed to be. I was supposed to be able to. Get this mental break here, and that's a great idea. It's a different perspective that we're.
00:21:07.099 --> 00:21:09.920
It's a different perspective than we expected to have.
00:21:11.460 --> 00:21:27.690
And I can go on and on about that, but I'd like to talk about what techniques you specifically use to help us cope with grief in your practices.
00:21:31.029 --> 00:21:45.529
Well, let me just say what grief is. Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams. And expectations, and anything that you wish. Would have been different, better or more. That's a lot, if you think about it. Yeah.
00:21:47.769 --> 00:22:16.440
So as far as the practices, it's because it's evidence based and it's a method. Right. So we have this way of. It first starts with education, like educating yourself. The first ten episodes or so of my podcast, grieving voices, mostly the educational. Pieces of what we cover in the grief recovery method in my program, do. Grief differently, which is the method, plus.
00:22:16.740 --> 00:22:46.077
Umap, which is all about life and career satisfaction. I married the two. I put them together because when people work through their grief, it's like this. Burden has been lifted. You feel so much lighter now. You have all this emotional stuff that you've processed. You feel hope again. You feel rejuvenated, like there's something to look forward to. Now what?
00:22:46.134 --> 00:22:49.981
Right? So you ask the question, well, now what? So that's why that was.
00:22:50.006 --> 00:22:53.049
The UMAP was the missing piece when. I was working with grievers.
00:22:54.869 --> 00:23:09.480
But through the method, we talk about. Apologies, we talk about forgiveness, we talk. About all the things you couldn't say. Because either the person passed or because it's in a strained relationship. The person doesn't have to die for you to grieve.
00:23:10.299 --> 00:23:29.440
And so once you learn this process, you can also apply it to a relationship with money, your relationship with alcohol. Your relationship with your inner child, your. Relationship with your body image. I've applied it to many of those.
00:23:30.380 --> 00:23:41.599
And because everything is energy, you know. Our relationship with money is energetic. It's an energetic exchange. So what is my relationship with money?
00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:48.720
Because grief affects every area of our lives. We don't think of it really, as, you know, but it has these ripples.
00:23:49.420 --> 00:23:53.039
Why is it so hard for people. To let go of that?
00:23:53.819 --> 00:24:15.319
Because it's so. You would think it would be a celebration. You would think it would be somebody when you were presented with that option, you would think people would jump at the chance to do that. Why is it so hard for us. To let go of grief? I think it's because we don't think that the answer is in the past.
00:24:16.500 --> 00:24:18.839
But all the answers are in the past.
00:24:21.380 --> 00:24:28.519
And we get to the answer when. We ask deeper questions, and we simply don't ask ourselves deeper questions.
00:24:29.829 --> 00:24:33.089
When you ask yourself deeper questions, you get deeper answers.
00:24:34.150 --> 00:24:51.730
And so when people say, well, you. Have to do the work. I had a client of mine, at the end of the twelve weeks, she. Was like, you know, people say, you have to do the work. She's like, I get it now. This is the work. The really deep, emotional, painful.
00:24:53.990 --> 00:25:30.599
Confrontation of what we are afraid to confront. What kind of language do you use when you're approaching someone to begin uncovering that past grief? It's simply answering the question. It's applying what grief is and then. Asking yourself the question, so what in. My life do I wish would have been different, better or more? Where in my life did I have a loss of hopes, dreams and expectations?
00:25:32.140 --> 00:25:45.680
Just answering those two questions, you will. Probably uncover a lot of grief that. You have buried, that have nothing to do with death either. The question to someone would be like pulling a plug in a bathtub out.
00:25:46.380 --> 00:25:53.286
Yeah, and that's a great point to say, because this is why it's so important to work with somebody.
00:25:53.438 --> 00:26:31.220
Because, number one, you can't see the. Label from inside the jar. Number two, it's also important. And I think it matters that, yes, you have support in your life, friends, family, things like that. But these people in your life often have skin in your game, and anything that comes up for you might involve them. Right? And so even personally going through this. Work, I've had relationships fall away because. Of an awareness that I had, because. How it changed me.
00:26:31.920 --> 00:26:34.740
And people look at you and it's. Like, oh, you've changed.
00:26:35.519 --> 00:26:46.869
And I want to say, maybe it's. Just that you've stayed the same. You're not evolving and growing in your life. So you can flip that, right?
00:26:47.809 --> 00:26:51.394
Yeah. And so it's taking 1% responsibility for.
00:26:51.442 --> 00:27:01.630
What you can do in your life to improve your life. And when you improve your life, that has ripples too. Yes.
00:27:02.730 --> 00:27:13.250
I've often told the grandchildren that have grown up, that have been raised by. Grandparents, that sometimes speaking to someone else.
00:27:15.190 --> 00:27:40.579
We know that family has to love us. And the attachments are difficult to sort out at times. So I can see, speaking with someone. That doesn't have any skin in the. Game can help us to realize the personal value of what we're doing more so than a family member could.
00:27:41.279 --> 00:27:44.900
Yep. Let's talk about.
00:27:47.279 --> 00:27:51.019
Caring for ourselves enough. To do this work.
00:27:52.680 --> 00:28:07.960
I think it's. I don't know why it's so hard for many of us to understand that we need to nurture ourselves through these processes.
00:28:09.180 --> 00:28:15.640
Self care is oftentimes hard for us to give ourselves. Why is that?
00:28:16.579 --> 00:29:03.509
Well, I think it's very individual. I think it has a lot to do with our beliefs around self care as children, as we grew up. Right. We always resort to what we know. For me personally, I can only say. That I did not see self care emulated. For me, self care was not attention to mental health. Self care was not shown to be healthy communication, self care, I just did not see it shown to me, and. I did not know really what that. Was until probably the last five years.
00:29:04.609 --> 00:29:11.665
And my children are, I have one out of the house already, one that's going to be out of the house, and one that's a couple years from.
00:29:11.698 --> 00:29:30.859
Being out of the house. So, I mean, I went through all. Of my most of the child rearing. Years as a exhausted, mentally tapped out person because I did not put attention to that.
00:29:32.359 --> 00:29:43.536
That's amazing. Every phase of our lives, I feel like it's going to change. What's important, what we want to. What that means for us, I think.
00:29:43.567 --> 00:31:33.089
Will change over time. But I think in particular, after you've. Worked through your grief, you get it. You just get it. And then what going through this process had done for me is that I also didn't know what boundaries were because. Mine were crossed in so many violated ways. I wouldn't have known one if it. Slapped me in the face. And so I didn't know how to create boundaries either. And so that's been a learning process. As well into adulthood of what that means and what that means for me and my relationships. And so going through this work, you also realize where you haven't had boundaries, where others have shown you boundaries, but you didn't see it. Boundaries not to keep people out and not to protect yourself. Boundaries to honor your values. Boundaries that honor your values, because I. Think our values is what informs our boundaries. And a lot of us don't even. Really think about what we value. I think the type of sprint that comes from these things that we're talking about are unfamiliar to so many of us. I think if we were to envision our lives and our world as one in which we were coping with those emotional griefs in a more healthy way, and then nurturing ourselves through that process. The picture that most of us have. Been given as children would be quite different as adults.
00:31:34.289 --> 00:32:27.460
And I think a lot of children, because, well, I know me personally, like, there was no autonomy given to me as a child, really. I mean, I had autonomy in a way that I just didn't have a parent around in that way. Like, I had freedom in that way. Like I could. I was a latchkey kid, like I was. I had to become very independent from. A very young age. I don't really see that as autonomy, but just how I'm built, that was. In some respects, good for me, but. That could have a very different effect on another child. I'm very independent to my core, and that really just reinforced all of that for me. I was thinking how.
00:32:30.769 --> 00:33:02.250
We all have wiring from our childhood that is a bit dysfunctional. But our wish for these grandchildren and our wish for the next generation find this, more often than not, is to work on self correcting, generational mental health issues. And this is one of them. This is part of mental health.
00:33:03.630 --> 00:33:18.438
And that reminded me of you. Thank you. You just reminded me of what I was trying to get to, is that I think a large part of that then comes down to communication and how you communicate with the child and how.
00:33:21.599 --> 00:33:35.180
Because a child that learns safe and healthy boundaries, for example, this is. I never really gave this much thought until I've been doing this work. But, you know, as children, it's like, oh, give grandma and grandpa a hug.
00:33:36.279 --> 00:33:39.740
Give uncle so and so a hug. And kiss before we leave.
00:33:41.200 --> 00:33:52.200
Sometimes we don't know what that child's experiencing or what that person. You know, we all have these energetic, you know, our biofield, our energy field extends five to 6ft out.
00:33:52.660 --> 00:34:33.409
So as an adult, we have the autonomy, we have the self agency, where we can just avoid certain people that. Give us certain feelings. Right. We have that charge of ourselves to do that. And oftentimes children aren't given that opportunity to have that same sense of self agency. So they're forced. I don't listen to them. No. So they're forced to hug and kiss. People that they don't feel comfortable doing that with. There's something about that person that makes. Them uncomfortable, and yet they're put in. That position of they're forced to do that. And if they don't do that, then they're wrong. So I think that's a really simple.
00:34:33.989 --> 00:34:45.376
That's a really simple thing. Any parent or any grandparent raising grandchildren can do is, like you said, just listen. Like, if a child just does not. I don't want to. Okay.
00:34:45.407 --> 00:35:18.750
That's okay. We've started in our family talking about feelings. How do you feel now? Or how do you feel today? And it's been one of the most positive exercises that we've begun doing together as a family. I'm oftentimes surprised at what comes out of their mouths, which has taught me that I need to ask more often, how are you feeling? Because it comes out very easily for them.
00:35:19.369 --> 00:35:31.190
And they'll say something like, I'm feeling sick, and I never would have known they felt that way. But sick can mean a lot of different things. It can be sad, it can be.
00:35:31.670 --> 00:35:51.449
But identifying emotions with children has been a totally new experience for me. I'm sad to say that, but it's true. We assume too much about how they feel and project a lot of our feelings on them. Sadly to say.
00:35:53.150 --> 00:35:56.610
I'm working and changing that at 67.
00:35:58.679 --> 00:36:20.552
No, thank you for saying that, because you just. I got full body truth bumps because I am not perfect by any means. None of us. And you saying that, I recognize that I don't ask that enough. Even just saying, where are you? On a scale of one to 1010, being the happiest you've ever felt like. How are you feeling today?
00:36:20.735 --> 00:36:25.429
Yes, I'm going to take that as a daily challenge for me.
00:36:29.130 --> 00:36:42.750
We've tried to move into certain habits slowly because quick changes don't work well with us. But we oftentimes all are on tablets at dinnertime.
00:36:44.849 --> 00:37:14.679
And now we have a rule that. They can't go on their tablets. That the first part, probably the first. Half of dinner, is conversation. And we have three questions that we ask now, and one is, how are you feeling right now? And that's always an interesting conversation because all these ahas come up, you know, my husband will say, oh, I didn't. Know you were feeling that way. Why are you feeling that way?
00:37:15.019 --> 00:38:36.139
And then no one's allowed to get. Back on their tablets until they've heard everyone talk. So the second question is, what one. Good thing happened to you today? And the third one is, how would you, what super powers would you have right now if you could have any superpowers? And what would you do? And that is always takes up probably 75% of the conversation with kids, but it's. And they look forward to it. They actually don't even think about their. Tablets during that time. It's the favorite thing that they do. And it made me realize we just. Don'T talk to each other much anymore. It's the technology world. Right. And that effect for us, yeah, that's. We started a rule when they were very. Well, my kids didn't get cell phones until. I mean, much of their classmates had a cell phone before they got one. And then when they got one, they only had it on Wifi. And they didn't get like an actual cell phone plan or anything like that. It was just a cheap phone that they could play games on or whatever. But we always started that rule, no phones at the table.
00:38:36.849 --> 00:39:09.679
And so dinner time has always been. A very sacred time in our house. And because growing up, there just wasn't a lot of that in my house, because, as you can imagine, you know, my dad died and. Yeah. So that's a very sacred time in my house. Yeah. Well, I've really enjoyed our conversation, Victoria, so many takeaways. And as you said, I think that. It'S valuable to have someone else to. Talk to about grief.
00:39:10.860 --> 00:39:47.634
Your podcast, grieving voices, is on your website. Would you share with the listeners your website and the information that's on there? Yeah, it's theunleasedheart.com. I have a lot of free resources. On there, a bunch of free ebooks. I have an energy quiz that's free. I do energy healing distance or in. Person, but I do distance. You can even go about your day and have energy healing. I will be launching a, and this. Is a great way to get self.
00:39:47.681 --> 00:39:58.030
Care, but I'm going to be launching a energy healing membership very soon and. Get the recording and you can use it over and over.
00:40:00.719 --> 00:40:33.480
So that'll be two sessions a month in that membership. And yeah, I've got lots of free stuff on there and linked to my podcast, grieving voices, which is really a place where I bring people from all walks of life, all areas of expertise, and to share their personal experiences. That's how we connect. Right. That's how we can see ourselves in other people's stories. Storytelling is very healing and that's. I want us to talk about grief. Like we talk about the weather. And that's kind of my mission.
00:40:33.860 --> 00:40:48.440
And to dispel these myths that we're all taught and change how we think. About grief and talk about grief so. That future generations can do it better. Agreed.
00:40:49.059 --> 00:41:11.179
Thanks, Victoria. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for having me. Thanks for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. I encourage you to share both your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.
00:41:11.719 --> 00:41:25.670
Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together.
00:41:26.530 --> 00:41:33.630
Thanks for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren. Nurturing through adversity.
00:41:34.210 --> 00:42:09.250
I encourage you to share both your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear. Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. Were you that kid that hated sports. And were teased because of it, pushed. And prodded to be more athletic and. You did just the opposite?
00:42:09.949 --> 00:42:32.097
Or were you the kid that was very athletic and you found yourself pleasing your parents, maybe even killing yourself to be the best on the team? We'll get ready next week for an inspiring episode as we sit down with Michael Huber, a former corporate executive who made a bold leap in the world of sports psychology after nearly 20 years in the business.
00:42:32.233 --> 00:43:48.170
Michael's journey was fueled by his own recovery from gambling addiction and shaped by the dysfunction he observed as a sports parent and volunteer coach. In this candid conversation, Michael will share his mission to equip young athletes and their families with the essential tools to thrive in today's increasingly challenging and often toxic youth sports environment. His insights promise to shed light on the pressures young athletes face and how we can foster a healthier, more supportive atmosphere for them to flourish. Don't miss this opportunity to learn from Michael's experiences and wisdom as we explore how we can all contribute to a more positive sports culture. Get ready for an inspiring episode next week as we chat with Deborah Heiser, an expert in applied developmental psychology and the visionary behind the mentor project. In just 30 minutes, discover how mentorship can transform your life and the lives of your grandchildren. Doctor Heiser delves into the incredible benefits of mentorship for both older and younger generations, sharing heartwarming insights and practical tips for fostering meaningful connections.
00:43:48.630 --> 00:44:16.655
If you're a grandparent seeking ways to bond with your grandkids or want to learn more about the positive aspects of the power of mentorship, you won't want to miss this next enlightening discussion. Tune in next week for another journey of growth, connection, and inspiration on grandparents raising grandchildren. Nurturing through adversity thank you for tuning. In to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through.
00:44:16.728 --> 00:44:36.469
Adversity remember, you are not alone. Together, we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you. And I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.
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