A Step By Step Guide to Working With Your Traumatized Child

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Have you ever been fixing dinner and your granddaughter or grandson comes to you asking for a snack and you say, not now, I'm fixing dinner, and your child runs away screaming, I hate you. You're so mean. You never let me have anything and you're left feeling disappointed and frustrated. Want a proven method of intervention that works for children that have experienced trauma? Well, stay tuned for a step by step guide to working with your traumatized child.

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Welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of childrearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experience experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

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Welcome back to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity when we first got custody of our grandchildren and for more than a year after, we dealt with our grandson running away screaming every time we denied him something, if he spilled something or bumped himself even in the slightest. My granddaughter whined every time she had to wash her hair. Every evening when it was time to go to bed, she was asking for more food or another blanket, or complaining her clothes were bothering her. It was always something. The I need more list before she went to bed continued to get longer. My response was out of frustration, you don't need anything more, you just need to go to bed. It wasn't until after I found a proven method of training used by foster parents who had worked with children that have been through trauma that I understood where the behavior was stemming from and how to change it. Which is what today's episode is all about. A step by step guide to working with your traumatized child. Because unfortunately, there are millions of children that experience abuse and trauma. Fortunately, there are many resources that can help create healing environments to meet the unique needs of these children. Those of us who work with children that come from hard places can gain valuable insights about how trauma affects the brain and how to bring deep healing to the children that we served. One of these resources is trust based relational intervention, otherwise known as TBRI. It's an attachment based, trauma informed intervention that's designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children.

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TBRI uses empowering principles to address physical needs, connecting principles for attachment needs, and correcting principles to disarm fear based behaviors. While the intervention is based on years of attachment, sensory processing, and neuroscience research, the heart of TBRI is connection, and this is how TBRI works. First, we must understand how trauma affects the brain and alter the child's ability to learn to trust.

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A baby cries. The mother comforts them.

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That's how a child initially learns to trust.

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Children that come from hard places have damaged trust issues.

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The brain chemistry of a child that has been left crying because they're hungry or need their diapers changed and no one comes has a brain that's been dramatically and chemically altered. Touch, eye contact, words of comfort, and a listening ear that does not create fear or shame in the child helps that child reestablish trust. You can actually change the chemistry of a child's brain by number one, letting them know that they're safe. Two, providing them with nourishing food.

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Three, regulating their emotions and four, ensuring that they get proper exercise. The message of hope for our grand families is that we can help our children heal if we devote ourselves to this process.

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Number because fearful children are unable to learn, parents must be keenly aware of fear responses and how to disarm them.

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Disturbing behaviors like tantrums, hiding, hyperactivity, or aggressiveness are often triggered by a child's deep, primal fear. Grandkids like ours can be physically safe in their new adoptive home, but past traumas encoded within their brains are easily reactivated. Hunger, abuse, or abandonment that occurred months or years ago can still trigger terror, which in turn leads to out of control behavior. Chronic fear is like a schoolyard bully that scares children into behaving poorly. It's easy to confuse fear based outbursts with willful disobedience like we did, but they aren't the same thing at all. We discovered deep fear caused our grandkids to explode into rageful tears when they were denied any kind of food. Even if it was only ten or 15 minutes, they had to wait for dinner.

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Tommy had been left in wet, soiled clothes and diapers for days at a time before we got him. Hence, whenever he got wet or dirty, he got very agitated and upset.

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Athena was left alone often and neglected. She had to care for her younger brother and basically raised him for years. Hence, she regresses whenever she is denied or left alone to cope with the simplest of problems. Even though I understood that good food was coming shortly and my grandkids were in no danger of starving, the traumatized, primitive part of Tommy and Athena's brain just couldn't grasp that starvation is encoded in their deepest memories. The simplest act, such as reassuring the kids that they can have the food and and reassuring them that they won't go hungry, resolved this problem.

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Giving them a bite of cheese or other protein in more extreme situations when blood sugar drops helps too.

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They still aren't permitted to eat until dinner time, but now they can touch and see the food and know it's theirs to eat.

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Giving them choices helps them feel more in control of the situation and lets them practice self control.

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Small choices like this are comforting to a traumatized child and build trust.

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Reducing fear can even minimize behaviors like agitation and constant movement, similar to those seen in attention deficit disorders. Hypervigilance occurs when children were so traumatized by abusive and unpredictable caretakers or situations during their earlier lives that their primitive brain remains locked in a state of high alert, keeping them perpetually on guard. The fight or flight stress hormones continue to rage through their bodies, making them fidget endlessly, unable to sit still and focus on any single activity because they're constantly scanning their surroundings for danger. You can detect hypervigilance when the dark centers of the eyes. The pupils are often enlarged, even during minor stressors or when a child seems calm.

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For other kids, the effect is reversed, making their pupils look unnaturally tiny. Either extreme indicates an imbalance in the stress response system, and another sign of hypervigilance is rapid heart rate and racing pulse.

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If you put a gentle hand over the heart of your child when speaking to them, they can detect this underneath everything you do with your grandchildren. Think of yourself as reducing their fears and to convey the fundamental message that they are safe by consistently showing emotion, warmth, and affection consistently offering positive emotional responses and praising them often responding attentively and kindly to your child's words and actions interacting playfully with your child physically matching or mirroring your child's voice and behavior being sensitive to your child's tolerance for sounds, touch, and personal distance respecting your child's need for personal space using simple words or language that they understand introducing new activities slowly and at a distance if they could be perceived as threatening giving your child advance notice of upcoming change and trust me, all this takes patience and time, and you won't be perfect all the time, so you have to be patient with yourself. Consistency shows them that you mean what you say and eventually, slowly they'll come around. Number three, reducing stress improves behavior.

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So cortisol is a hormone which is activated by and response to stress. Cortisol levels normally rise and fall at varying times of the day. But when children have too little or too much cortisol in their body over an extended period of time, it can cause serious problems.

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By helping your child feel safe, making his or her world more predictable, and teaching them better coping skills, we can actually normalize cortisol levels and allow a youngsters brain to work better. Number four strategies that reduce chronic fear.

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Throughout each day, use the following strategies to help your child feel and experience safety on a deep level.

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Alert children to upcoming activities. You can say things to them like in 15 minutes we'll put away the toys and get your bath. Or in ten minutes we're leaving to go shopping. In five minutes we'll get ready for bed.

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Before visiting a new place such as a mall, tell your children about it. When you arrive. Explain that there are many stores here and that will be visiting one with shoes in it. By announcing your plans and explaining the child's environment, you help make their world less frightening.

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Number five, make their day predictable.

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In our house, since I'm an artist, I make drawings or posters to remind the kids of patterns and regular events they need to learn, like wiping themselves properly after going to the potty, or brushing teeth, or washing hands. I recently got the idea to draw funny little characters of them when they're acting like gremlins.

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We don't use words like bad or good or evil or words that evoke feelings of shame. But once they've calmed down, we all laugh at the funny little cartoon characters and I remind them that we can all act like gremlins at times, even us grown ups. None of us can communicate when we're reacting from the rear cortex of the brain and we're in fight or flight mode. Number six quick ways to help a child relax. Get down to their level physically if you can. By kneeling or sitting.

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Speak softly and gently in a warm voice.

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Offer a stress ball or a fidget toy that they can press and squeeze. Offer a piece of bubble gum. Chewing is calming. Offer a sweet sucking candy or lollipop. Sucking is also calming.

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Offer to sit or stand farther away from them.

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Encourage them to take deep, slow breaths.

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Number seven, give appropriate choices to share control. Would you like to wear your blue shorts or your tan shorts today? Would you like to play on the swings first or have your snack first? Do you want to use the pencil or the pen? Would you like to hold my hand or just walk beside me. Would you like to take a nap or simply rest quietly? Do you want to play football right now or do you want to take a walk?

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Number speak simply and repeat yourself.

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There are reasons why sermons and lecturing is wasted on these kids.

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Neglect and abuse left them with language learning delays and difficulty processing sounds. That makes a steady stream of words confusing to them. Further, once a fear response is underway, a child's senses go into crisis mode, making involved discussions impossible.

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Imagine the impact we would have if we yelled to a distracted adult. On the second floor of my home is an old appliance that inadvertently was left on while my brother in law lit up a cigarette. The gas combusted, and now we have a life threatening situation versus, if we simply shouted, fire. Getting through to a child like this requires a similarly simple message. Phrases like focus and finish your task. Use your words or stop and breathe that parents can use repeatedly so they become familiar and meaningful to the child. You can reinforce verbal messages with facial gestures, hand movements, and body language. Speak slowly in a warm voice, using simple language and repeating what we say.

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Number nine, try and be an effective leader. Children feel safest with adults who are kind but firm leaders. If you are indecisive and let the children run the show, that's stressful to a child.

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Believe it or not, it gives them the message that they are on their own and will have to fend for themselves. They know that in a crisis that they won't be able to depend on you.

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So do you follow through on promises? Are you calm and patient? Are you confident?

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All of those things. Tell the kids that you're a good leader. Number ten. Prevent sensory overload.

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Intense sights, sounds, and bodily sensations may bewilder and frighten an at risk child whose senses haven't developed fully. Even things like wearing perfume, the unfamiliar texture of clothing, or getting bumped in the schoolyard will activate the sense of an at risk youth. Do what you can to relax the child's senses. Until the kids catch up developmentally, lower tv volumes. Don't keep too many toys out for them to play with. Keep them away from large gatherings.

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Reduce strong odors. Use noise, reducing headphones when necessary. Number eleven, don't corner them. Something as simple as tossing their hair or restricting their movement can cause a traumatized child to react. I know, I've seen this happen with my granddaughter. Many of them, like ours, learned improper boundaries. Number twelve, help children identify safe people. Parents can increase felt safety by teaching the child to distinguish between friend and foe. One way to begin discussions about safety is by talking with the child about different animals and what nature gave each of them for safety. For example, the porcupine has quills, the cat has claws and the ability to hiss. A tortoise can pull inside his shell. Then you can help the child identify what things make them feel safe and how to determine whether a person is safe. Teach them that safe people will be kind to you. Safe people will care about you.

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Safe people will not hurt you. Safe people will listen to you. Safe people will not threaten you.

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Safe people will not tell you to keep a secret from your parents.

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And safe people will not touch you in ways that are scary or hurtful. Number 13 handle food issues gently. Our kids hoarded food for months after we got them under their pillows, under their beds, in hidden places all over the house. You can make a child feel more secure with food disorders if you let them help you cook and serve meals. We keep healthy snacks in a place where they can get them whenever they want, and we carry a cooler with snacks in the car and replenish it regularly. Number 14 help the child meet new challenges. I remember at first I would tell my granddaughter, you, don't need me to sit with you in the bathroom every time you go. When she didn't want to be alone because I thought it was too needy of her until I learned about how kids that have been neglected react. Now I tell her, sure, I'll do whatever you need to feel safe, honey, even if it takes a week or a month or a year. Then when you're ready, you can tell me, grandma, I'm ready to go by myself.

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She's already having better night's sleep and is able to be alone with the door shut more often, I can see the safety and trust building in her. Number 15 be approachable for many displaced children. Adults have been associated with pain and disappointments, so it makes sense that they pull away and tend to avoid people. We want to do everything we can to change that perception and make ourselves approachable and safe. So get down to their height level when you can, either by crouching or kneeling before speaking to them, use a non threatening voice that's calm and modulated.

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Another strategy is to pair ourselves with things that the child enjoys or likes. Rather than sending the child off to play by themselves with a toy, we can join them and play or watch and complement their efforts. When a child does begin to approach voluntarily and opens up to us, we always reward that behavior. We respond with affection, interest, a warm voice and smiling eyes never scolding in a sense, we're establishing a trust account that functions like a bank account. The more we demonstrate trustworthiness to a child and the more we can give the child felt safety.

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We never want to withdraw more than 20% of that trust.

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Account number 16 introduce the child to a new environment. You can help make a child's world predictable by explaining and orienting them to new physical surroundings. It's difficult to know in advance how long it will take to orient a child to a new environment, but try and make sure your schedule is flexible so you can devote a sufficient amount of time. Number 17 don't catastrophize. Kids do need to know consequences, but in a way that engenders greater awareness, not in a way that makes them fear more.

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Instead of saying, if you run out in the street, you're going to get run over by a truck and killed, and you'll be dead and I'll never see you again, say, it's not safe for you in the street because there could be a car. Mommy would be so sad if you got hurt. And instead of saying, if you go out after dark, a man will rape you and throw you in a ditch, say, it's not safe for you to walk in the dark by yourself. Sometimes bad people hurt little girls who walk by themselves in the dark. Mommy would be so sad if you got hurt. It will be safer if we go together. Number 18 honor their emotions. Avoid shaming statements like big boys don't cry or demeaning questions like, what are you crying about? Although I can say my parents raised me that way many times, we have to remember even more with these kids. Those approaches are invalidating and disrespectful and makes a child feel unsafe.

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Also, many of us, like myself, are trying to heal ourselves from the damage that was done to us. Even if a child's emotions appear insignificant or funny, a parent should show respect and not judge. A lost toy truck can be as upsetting as a fender bender would be to me.

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We need to show our children, through your body language, our body language, words and actions, that it's normal to have feelings. Number 19 respect their own life story. These children are on a unique journey through life. It can be tempting to try to recast their history. A parent might want to paint a pretty picture by whitewashing the past and say something like, your mommy loved you so much and she cried when she gave you up, but she knew she couldn't give you the best. It can also be tempting to speak badly of their birth parents in order to make their new home look better. By contrast, fight the urge to tell their story using your own value judgments or interpretations of the past. A healing parent's job is to simply give neutral information so a child can work out the past for themselves. This approach opens a window through which your child can begin to look at and share his life story. Accept and honor what the child tells you and the emotions he shares about it. Both our grandchildren tell us stories about their past. I'm sure some of them are made up, and some may be true, but try and let your grandkids be the authority on their own lives.

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Feelings of safety take time.

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Be patient and do everything in your power to let your children understand that they are safe and welcome in their new homes.

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Deeply encoded fear responses take time to ease, but eventually, as the children heal and grow, situations and circumstances which were once scary and threatening to them become less so.

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Eventually it will become less hard the more they feel they can trust you and their environment. Healing cannot be rushed, but you can help it progress more dramatically by giving your child the gift of felt safety. Thanks for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren. Nurturing through adversity. I encourage you to share your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear. Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast info. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together.

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If you like the show, please share it with a friend. If you love the show and you're listening on a broadcasting platform like Apple or Spotify, take a sec to scroll down in your app and please leave us a review. Would you change history? If you could join us for episode seven, top secrets to leaving a grand legacy for your grandchildren, and we'll discuss ways in which we can rewrite the future for our grandchildren. Thank you for tuning in to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity remember, you are not alone, and together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you, and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.