6 Steps to Unlocking Your Pre-Teens Potential- Part 2

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Does your preteen or teenager constantly challenge your authority? The more consequences you make, the worse the conversation gets. Well, last week we listened to Marcus Higgs as he discussed his revolutionary six step process on how to unlock your pre teens potential. In this week's episode, we're discussing the problems we have communicating with our preteens and teenagers and and how to open the lines of communication. Stay tuned for part two of six steps to unlocking your pre teens potential.

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Welcome to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity in this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma, and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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Well discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

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My granddaughter is only eight, and already she's talking about wanting to wear makeup because her mother's friend at school lets her wear makeup. She lies about everything, and I'm thinking, what's going to happen when she turns ten, much less 13?

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Marcus Higgs offers us some great suggestions, and although they require us to be one step smarter than our grandchildren, they're logical and simple to implement. So let's talk some about communication. Yes, about some of the problems that people have in communicating. That's a big why don't people communicate? Let's talk about what parents can do. To communicate better with, to speak directly to your audience. And I know the needs of your audience. A beautiful book that I'd highly recommend is Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry's book, what happened to you? We'd ask the question, what's wrong with you? When it's like, no, no, there's nothing wrong with you.

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Something happened to you. So what happened to you? And as we start to untie that, we can address it better.

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What happened to you? I believe by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry.

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Why is it difficult to communicate with preteens?

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Well, many parents struggle with communicating with teens. I mean, everybody talks about those being difficult years.

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How can we foster resilience and self esteem to keep the lines of communication open with pre teens.

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The reason I recommended his book, or Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry's book is because the second book I highly recommend is Ellen Galansky's the Breakthrough years that just came out. And this is key to opening communication. It invites them into the conversation. A lot of teenagers, first of all, feel judged because they're entering into a situation where the adults in the room are already saying, you're going through all these hormones, you're going through all these problems, and they feel as though they're at a disadvantage. Mind you, they're coming into this context and there's expectations on them to have it all figured out. We're judging them, if you will, as adults, we don't say one word that we use to describe pre teens or teenagers.

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Immature. Right. But we wouldn't call a baby an immature toddler. We wouldn't call a toddler an immature child. It's no, they're a toddler.

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They're an adolescents coming into it. Another thing is that there is expected risky behavior, because when they're trying to figure out their identity, they're going to take chances.

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Our role is to help direct them into healthy risk. And when I say healthy risk, doing things that use their character strengths to stretch them for healthy risk, for me, that means it could be volunteering, it could be serving the community in a way, or figuring out a project to make sure your hands aren't idle. But again, you're reaffirming that identity too often. I think that's why the phrase this is not scientific, but I think that's where the phrase comes from. Idle hands or the devil's workshop. It's just because I don't know where to direct this energy. I'm gonna find something in a place that accepts me.

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The way we organize ourselves in society is that we are supposed to have other trustworthy, present adults inside our community.

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Your child is gonna turn away from you because they don't know if they can trust you, right? Because they grew up with your belief system this whole time. And if I'm pushing that away, mom is gonna be.

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Or my caregiver is gonna be angry and mad at me. It's you being a trustworthy, present caregiver there. But while they turn away, are they turning to other parents and adults whose opinion they can trust and you can trust?

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That's why kids get into gangs when they get into substance abuse and chemical abuse. The reason they pursue those things is because they find those as solutions to their problems, to numb themselves well, and. In our situations, oftentimes they've grown up with a framework of trust that is unhealthy.

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They trust people that leave them alone. They trust people that do things that children shouldn't see.

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It must be very confusing.

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You can tell them you're safe, you're secure now. You'll get food when you're hungry. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to leave you. But why would they believe that if that's all they've seen in their early years?

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You're absolutely right in that. It's their attachment style. It's been established. Let's use that word.

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The interesting thing about trust is that trust is built over time.

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You can't change that. Now, there are three characteristics of trust.

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First is you have to be authentic. All growth comes from truth. Now, mind you, I say this because the kid still might be looking at you telling themselves a different narrative, but you have to be honest with yourself. And when I say honest with yourself, be honest that you're going to fall short. And when you fall short, first of all, that's expected.

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And I think it's a feature, not a bug. When we fall short, when we create cracks, and let me explain, when you create a crack or there is a rupture using the language of Dan Siegel. Dan Siegel is a wonderful author, wrote several books. The one I'd recommend now is the power of presence. And he wrote several with his co author, Tara Price.

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But to the point when there's a rupture, when you repair and reconnect, it shows a child that you care about the relationship, the fact that you would make an effort to reconnect, because you, as the adult in the room, you're making the effort to say, no, no, no, you're worth me owning what is in my responsibility to reconnect.

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Right. So how do we build trust? First of all, you have to be authentic. You have to be true. Second of all, it has to make sense in their mind what you're saying.

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It's called logic. But you say, because you said this, you know, you're thinking this. So it has to make sense inside their head. And that comes down to the communication of it again.

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And the third one is they have to know that you care.

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They have to know that you're working for their well being.

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And oftentimes, that's why kids, to use a metaphor, they will rattle you or they'll shake you like on a roller coaster. They want to know that they're safe with you, so they do stuff to lash out, to push you away. And they do, like teenagers do, that they test the adults in their lives, because if I know you're gonna fall away, then I know that I can't trust you.

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When I'm not solid, you're not solid.

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And I want to say this. I say I work with parents of pre teens because I help keep you regulated as you go through this time, as your child is dysregulated, because you have to put your oxygen mask on first, and your child may go waywardly.

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It's a hard pill to swallow, and your audience knows it better than most, but you're responsible for you to be solid and integrated. And if they do go off, but when you know you've tried your best, that builds within you confidence of knowing, I did my part, I did what I could do. So when teens disconnect and do things that aren't safe, and if there's underlying mental health concerns, what are the signs that you look for?

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We're saying it's normal for teens to do these things, to test the waters. But when do you become concerned? Sure, I will speak to depression first. Teenagers do turn away.

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It's when they start turning away from all social interactions. So if at school they start to isolate, and then from other public gatherings, they start to isolate. And in the home, oftentimes, you'll just isolate at home, and then they'll still have peers of which they interact with and be with. But if you see them start to isolate in all areas, I'll raise a flag for concern.

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They will isolate. Ideally, when you have open communication, they'll open up to you now and again, and those moments are golden. Whereas let me be present and let me actively listen without judgment. And that's where you earn your points. There's something in the framework where I call it you time, where you let your child know, this is to create some regulation, but you get to set what the regulation is. But it's five minutes or ten minutes. We're going to show up together in this moment, and this time is about you expressing yourself.

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Tell me what's on your mind. And they actually do this in counseling and therapy. But what it is, it's giving the kid some autonomy. And it's also saying, look, you're in control of this, that you want to choose. And you know that I'm going to be present here so that when there are other times and you can't be present, you can say, hey, you know, there's you time where you will get this time. You will have my full attention, because you're worthy of my attention. People want autonomy. They don't want to be controlled.

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We are in their lives because we're working for our personal well being and for the collective well being. So we have to express that without emotions getting the best of us.

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Because when things aren't going the way we want, that's when funky emotions come up. Whenever you're angry, upset, depressed, jealous, or any.

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Anything, you have to ask yourself, what am I not willing to accept? The hard thing to accept is this person is hurting themselves because they feel as though they can't get rid of this pain.

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I say open up the conversation, taking their perspective, their view. Let's talk about healthy conflict resolution, letting a child have the option to give their input, speaking to them about what our feelings are, and meeting each other in the middle. Mm hmm.

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The reason I said trust starts with being authentic and being true is because there's gonna be moments when your kid is lying and they're trying to gaslight you. And you have to know that, hey, I hear what you're saying. From the looks of things, this is what I know to be true.

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Right. That's a great way of putting it. And this is where communication is. You said, why does communication break down? Because whenever there's misalignment of facts, whereas you can have two things being held from two different perspectives, and we see it two different ways, it's when we can come and know that we can share that, but there are times when the other side you feel is trying to lie and you have to say, firm, hey, this is what I know to be true, and this is what I believe to be true. And I have to stand by that. Now, you can still share what you have to say. I'll still receive that. And we have to agree on the solution that we're going to come to. Now, I think you said conflict resolution. In conflict resolution, you have to own what you're responsible for.

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Expand on that. Personally, I trust people who can say, this is where I was at fault.

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It's three things. It takes self awareness. And again, you are the adult in the room, and kids do not communicate fairly because they're learning the rules of communication. Right. But when they know that, you say, hey, this is where I got. I went wrong in it in accordance to my virtues and values of what's important to me. This is where I went wrong. This is. And I apologize for that. I'm sorry for that falter. This is what I plan to do going forward.

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It's always future focus. I can trust the person who does that. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that, because I think that's a very important objective for grandparents to have because, as I said, there's so many things that are done differently now, things that are spoken about that weren't spoken about 50 years ago. And that's a new tool that I use much more often than I did when I was younger because we were in closer relationship with the issues with our children.

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But with our grandchildren, the issues have become quite different than they were when we were raising our children. So I oftentimes find myself saying, you know what I said to you the other day? I want to correct myself, and this is why. And I think that is a great opportunity for our children and our grandchildren to see that, to learn to be humble through our actions as an example to them. They don't always have to be right. They can admit their faults.

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I think that's a beautiful character trait to teach a child.

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Too often we grew up with parents that did never want to be wrong, that didn't want to show that they were wrong, that didn't want to admit that they were wrong. That isn't right, in my opinion. And it's not a healthy way to be. It's not a healthy way to be with your spouse. It's not a healthy way to be in any relationship. Our world doesn't reflect that very often.

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You know, how we said, or I said culture is people like us do things like this.

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There's a family culture, and you can't be what you can't see. And when I know the adult in the room can say, you know what? I own this, and this is what I plan on going forward, then I know it's okay for me to own things.

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You're literally creating a family culture, right? Yes. Yes. We're creating a very different culture. Grandparents, raising grandchildren. That dynamic in this society is increasing, and it has to have the new dynamic.

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It's a new family dynamic. And I think creating culture in this relationship of grandparents with grandchildren is a beautiful concept. Well, you don't get to choose your family, you know, but in situations such as adoption or having to go under the care of somebody, they really did choose you.

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They chose you. I remember. I think it's inside that same book, a child was speaking about his development or how he grew up and his understanding because he had to go to another caregiver. I don't know if it was a grandparent. But the story that they were telling themselves inside the book, Bruce Perry, what happened to you? The child in their head told themselves a story, I wasn't loved, which is why my parent is not in the picture. That's a very common feeling, which does a lot of messed up things to a child. And, and the caregiver did not know that narrative until eventually it came out. So just think how long they were holding on to that before it came out. And that that lens is coloring everything that they're seeing now. Mind you, it's worth saying, you never know what's happening inside a person's head until they say it. And even still, when they say it, they're saying it from their perspective. This is the kind of stuff that happens when you open up communication or you're creating that you time where I know I can speak freely here.

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What do you say to children about the influence that their peers have on them? For instance, I have a daughter that's has a friend in school whose mother, at eight years old, lets her wear a lot of makeup, and this has become a new conversation with us. I've encouraged her to try it out and see what she looks like with it, and then I talk about what I think looks pretty on her and what looks pretty to her and what looks pretty to me are different, but I still feel that she shouldn't wear it in public. At eight years old. How do you encourage pre teens to make wise decisions despite the influences that their peers have on them? And how do you suggest that we, as grandparents, speak to them about that?

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First of all, I love how you said, make wise decisions.

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Wisdom comes through experience, which you have to, you have to fall on your face a few times, and maybe that face has makeup on it. I love that you let her try it out. And it wasn't just a no.

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I love that you had conversation about it so that she knew where you stood and she knew what your values were.

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And I love that, you know, you're picking and choosing your battles because it may be later down the line where it might be something more serious than wearing makeup, but, you know, being drunk, going to a party where there's alcohol involved or, you know, I don't know, but there just may be something else where there's more at stake. At stake means we have something to lose and something to gain. If it's not high stakes, let them test it out. Let them try it. And again, that's healthy risk taking. It's a solution that you have to come up with her. And when I say a solution, we're setting rules and regulations. It means you get to play the game.

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But these are rules we've discussed. It might be you can wear it one week out of the month or something, or when we go here, but not when we go here. But again, we both have to agree on these rules. I want you to try it. I want you to experience it.

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But let's. Let's put some guard, guard rails on here.

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And having the discussion about why my feelings are that way, she can, later on in her life, reflect on that, and maybe her feelings are different. So maybe she wants to wear more makeup or heavier makeup, and that's her choice. But she understands that her grandmother or her parent feels differently, and she can reflect on the character of that person and say, I like that character, but maybe she's a little bit too conservative for me, and this is who I am. So that's how they learn who they are in relationship to who you are, is what you're saying.

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That's how we parent them. We're models, but we're also teaching them to move away and learn who they are and why they want to make the choices that they make. Yes. Right? Yes. A quick communication tip or strategy is storytelling, and there's steps to it. But you hold a value of, I'm assuming, and correct me if I'm wrong, but minimal makeup or no makeup. Right. There's a reason you believe that, or that's a value to you. Right? If I may ask, why is that a value or not that you're being tested on your values, but why is that important to you? I'm health minded. I like more natural things. I don't like to wear masks.

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Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want people to be real. There we go. So you might think of a story of where you came into that understanding of, I want you to be authentic, and I want you to show your true face, because I want you to understand your beauty for you. And there might be a story inside your lived experience of where you came to that understanding. Now, this is how you pass on your values without being preachy. You tell them that story, and stories happen in a moment where your beliefs change. That's all a story is. So change happens, and we give it meaning.

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So you tell them the story. You say, you know what? That's what it means for me. Then you invite them in and say, what does this mean for you?

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And the thing about doing that is they may or may not believe.

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They may or may not share the same value, but it brings them into the conversation so their voice is heard and it might show you something you never thought about.

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Right. And it opens up the conversation of, hey, you're not judged, but I'm telling you why grandma believes what she believes.

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I love that. I think that's very important. What a great conversation. I want people to know how they can connect with you and find out more information about your program and how they can use it with their children if they have more questions. And I know you have a website. Yes, ma r c us higgs higgs.com.

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That is correct. If they go there, it's a little bit about what I do. There is a space to sign up for, for a call to discuss.

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What is it that you're going through that I might get contacts? I do have a workshop that's coming up. If you go to workshop dot marcussigs.com mapping our family's virtues and values again, our character strengths are starting off with a strong identity. The first step inside the show up framework. Other than that, I'm on LinkedIn. That's where I'm posting. I'm not on the other social networks, not yet. For me, this is my life's work, so I'm going to be at it for the next couple years. I'm taking it step by step and just trying to guard my attention. At the moment, I am writing a book. It's called the show up framework, how to nurture your pre teens potential. I'm always accessible. Reach out to me. I'll answer. But if you go to marcushiggs.com, you can find out more there along with workshop markets. I'm excited about the release of your book. I will be one who will read it.

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Yes, it's obvious that you're very talented in this area, and we need to hear from more people like you about preteens and teens because I know that a lot of people are struggling with them in the world. In my community, grandparents raising grandchildren, that's where the children fall away most often. I really appreciate your gift in working with pre teens and teens, and it's been a pleasure talking with you and getting to know you better. It's been a pleasure. The feelings mutual. Thank you for sharing your platform first, but I would love to come back. You're the first grandparent, I would say, who's been in the situation, understanding the context more. So. I would speak with parents inside the class and inside all of my research. It's usually caregivers and parents. And yes, you are a caregiver, but you spoke to new challenges that I didn't think of. I'm going to be thinking about that. Thanks Marcus.

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It's wonderful to meet you. My pleasure.

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Thanks so much for joining us today for another episode of grandparents raising grandchildren. Nurturing through adversity. I encourage you to share your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.

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You can submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. If you enjoyed this show, please share it with a friend that needs to hear. And if you love the show and you're listening on a broadcasting platform like Apple or Spotify, just scroll down in your app and please leave us a review. Are you tired of all the things you think you could do better for your family or getting down on yourself for raising your voice at your grandchildren the other day?

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Want to hear some refreshing ideas on self care and treat yourself to something you can do at home that will make you feel like you've been to the spa? Be sure to tune in next week for secrets of self care for the caregiver with Jeanette Yates.

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Thank you for tuning in to grandparents raising grandchildren nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity.

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Peace be with you and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.