4 Emotional Needs That Transform Families

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Join us in this compelling episode featuring parenting trailblazer Richard O'Keefe as he reveals the secrets to keeping your kids off drugs and out of jail through his transformative four Emotional Needs framework. Discover how Richard's no nonsense approach is changing lives inside and outside prison walls, empowering parents to build unshakable bonds with their children. Explore his latest insights from 911 what Is yous Parenting Emergency? And learn why Richard's mission is to revolutionize parenting just like the five love languages did for relationships. Whether you're a parent, grandparent, or great grandparent like Richard himself, this episode promises to inspire and guide you toward fostering confident, responsible young individuals.

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Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of Grandparents Raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care.

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We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you.

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Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored.

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As many of you know, I'm raising two incredible grandchildren. Their early years were very challenging, having been marked by the absence of their father who struggles with drug addiction and and just keeping a job, and their mother who's been in and out of jail. It's a tough path and one you wouldn't wish on any child. In my heart, I want nothing more than to see them grow into confident, responsible adults who steer clear of the patterns that have affected their parents. While we can't predict every choice they'll make and there's no foolproof method to shield them entirely from their struggles, I'm committed to doing everything possible to set them on a better path. That's why I'm particularly excited about Today's guest, Richard O'Keefe. And when people like Richard speak, I listen closely. He brings with him not just a wealth of experience, but a truly groundbreaking approach to parenting that has shown real, tangible results. His insights could be the key to transforming the way we connect with and guide the younger generation in our lives. I hope you'll enjoy Richard's fascinating journey and learning from his innovative four Emotional Needs framework, we can discover together how we can foster healthier, stronger connections with our children and work towards a future that holds promise and potential, no matter the challenges we face.

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Richard we have a similar mission to break generational cycles of abuse and trauma and help parents build stronger, healthier relationships with their children. Tell us how you, as an educator and an author, how you became interested in this passion and mission of yours.

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Before I go into that, I just want to say thank you for having me on. Anytime I can talk about my message, I get excited because I know how life changing this message can be. Laura, I truly believe that over the next few minutes, you and I are going to talk about some things that can make a significant, powerful difference in the lives of your listeners. I want to introduce myself, but before I do that, I just want to first tell you the two things that you and your audience can expect to learn over the next few minutes. Number one, how to keep your kids off drugs and out of jail. And number two, how to reduce your struggling and enjoy the parenting journey. Great things we're going to learn today.

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Yes, Indeed. I have six children, 23 grandchildren and three great grandchildren.

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So I qualify as a grandparent. I would say so, yes. I know that many of your listeners or grandparents who were at one time looking forward to retirement but were thrust into the role of primary caregiver for their grandchildren. Yes, something most of them were not expecting. No. I've had grandparents like them in my parenting classes. It's hard and I think what we'll talk about today is going to make their job as a parent a little bit easier. We would love that. I'm going to start out by telling you my why, why I'm here, and how my message can help you. Don't worry, we're going to get into the good stuff really quickly. When I was a young father, I was clueless. I had no father figure in my life from which to learn good parenting skills.

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My kids would whine, tease, dawdle, interrupt, throw tantrums and ignore me when I asked them to do something.

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I would tell them no. They would give me back talk.

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They would be defiant. I was overwhelmed and stressed out.

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I tried to control my children's behavior by screaming, punishing, lecturing, bribing and threatening. It was exhausting work and the result was only a temporary improvement in their behavior.

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One day I came to realize that I had better make a serious change in the way I was raising my children, or both me and my children would be in Real trouble. So I started reading parenting books.

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The first thing I learned was how many parenting books there were. It seems to be. They seem to be endless.

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And I asked myself, if all these parenting books teach the same thing, then why so many?

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If all these parenting books teach something different, then how many of these books am I going to have to read to learn all the parenting skills I need? I kept looking for that one book that was easy to read, easy to understand, with step by step instructions to all the parenting skills I needed.

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Well, I never found it. In 2016, I started teaching parenting classes in the community and in the justice system. Today, I teach six classes a week in the state prison and the county jails. I teach parenting skills to incarcerated men who have gone down dark paths leading to drug and alcohol addiction, unplanned teenage pregnancies, crime, gangs, gun violence, domestic violence, even thoughts of suicide. I've learned that many of them had young lives filled with emotional trauma and physical abuse.

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They experienced neglect. They watched violence in and outside the home. Some of their parents were drug dealers.

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Many of their parents were incarcerated themselves. Many of these men were homeless at a young age. Most of my students were habitual drug users. To numb their emotional pain, in my classes, I teach them how to be good men and good dads, hoping to break the cycle of abuse and trauma. And I'm happy to say that most of my students want that to happen. Here's my why. Why? I'm passionate to get the word out.

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I believe there are children today who are on similar dark paths because parents simply do not know what to do. So I decided to write that one parenting book. You know, the one that I never found, to show parents and grandparents what to do. Now grandparents can learn how to keep their grandchildren from going down those dark paths. So I wrote this book. It's called 91 1. What is your parenting emergency? Grandparents will learn how to keep their grandchildren on good paths to success and happiness and help their children thrive, while at the same time reduce their struggling and enjoy the parenting journey. Okay, I want to talk a little bit about that. So everything that I teach and everything in my book centers around five words that I believe are the most powerful five words a grandparent can live by. Those words are meet the four emotional needs. Meet the four emotional needs. You see, every child has four emotional needs that must be met. When grandparents meet those needs, they can expect good things to happen. Here are four of those good things. They will strengthen relationships that they have with their grandchildren. They will see an increase in cooperation. They will build a strong family where their grandchildren learn and practice good values. And they will increase the likelihood that their grandchildren will make good choices even when nobody is watching.

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These are four good things that we can expect when we meet the four emotional needs. Now, please pay close attention to this. When grandparents do not meet these needs, whether they know about them or not, that's when struggling happens. That's when children's behavior gets worse. That's when grandparents get overwhelmed and stressed out. Okay, I want you to know these four emotional needs, and I'm going to tell you how to meet these needs. All children have a need for, number one, a sense of belonging. That means to feel included, important, connected, valued, to receive undivided attention and approval. Now, if we don't meet this need, kids discover they can meet this need on their own by misbehaving and getting what we call angry attention. They figure out that angry attention is better than no attention at all. That's how powerful this need for a sense of belonging is. The second need that all children have is a sense of personal power.

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That means to feel independent, significant, able to make choices, freedom to experiment and explore. Now, if we do not meet this need in positive ways, children discover that saying no to a request will give them a power hit. And if we do not meet those needs in positive ways, we'll have power struggles.

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That's how kids get their need for personal power on their own.

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The third need all children have is to be heard and understood. That means to have someone in their life who will listen to them and reflect back what they are trying to say. It means to acknowledge their negative feelings. If we do not meet this need, children have to bottle up their negative feelings. And if they have to do that, they feel emotional pain. And that works into their behavior. The behavior gets worse. The fourth emotional need that all children have are boundaries. That means to teach and correct.

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We teach values, expectations, rules, the behavior that we want to see, and we make requests. We correct our children's behavior when they push the boundaries that we have taught. So those are the four emotional needs, a sense of belonging, a sense of personal power to be heard and understood, and boundaries.

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So I ask my incarcerated students, do you think there are people living in this prison who as a young person did not have their four emotional needs met?

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All heads nod. Now, here's something interesting. When we meet the four emotional needs, we no longer have to concern ourselves with screaming, punishing, lecturing, bribing, or threatening. The desire to control our children will go away naturally and automatically. And we will feel much less overwhelmed and stressed out. So the first thing to know is meet the four emotional needs.

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When you meet those needs, good things happen. And the likelihood goes way up that you will accomplish those two things I mentioned at the beginning.

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You will keep your kids off drugs and out of jail, and you reduce your struggling and enjoy the parenting journey. So that brings us to how do we meet these four emotional needs? So, Laura, before I move into the parenting skills, is there anything you want to add to that? Well, it could be a subject we bring later on, but many of us get these grandkids when they've already developed some of these poor skills. So I'd love to hear your opinion at some point in this conversation about how we backtrack with kids like that. You know, all kids need these four emotional needs met, whether they're little kids or whether they're teenagers. And even you and me as adults, we still carry on the need for these four emotional needs.

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And I like to tell parents and grandparents that it's never too late to strengthen the relationships that you have with your kids. And the way that you do that is by meeting these four emotional needs, particularly the first three. Give them a sense of belonging, a sense of personal power, and help them to feel heard and understood. Those strengthen their relationships.

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Then when they have a good relationship with their children, their children respect them and they want to please and they don't want to disappoint.

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And so when we set boundaries by teaching and correcting, it's much easier to do that. So let's talk about the 15 parenting skills necessary to meet the four emotional needs. Sounds good. So I'm going to tell you what they are, and then we'll focus on a couple to meet the need for a sense of belonging. There are four parenting skills. Spend one on one time, spend family time together, get to know your children, and make positive deposits to meet the need for a sense of personal power. There are three parenting skills. Give choices, teach life skills, and set goals with your children to meet the need to be heard and understood. There is one parenting skill that we need to focus on, and that is acknowledge negative feelings. And then to meet the need for boundaries. There are seven parenting skills which takes us to the end of the 15 parenting skills. Give attention to good behavior, make requests effectively, teach values, create rules, enforce rules, use consequences wisely, and problem solved together. So I'd like to take a couple of those skills and just kind of dive into them and talk about them in a little more detail. And the very first Skill is skill number one, which is spend one on one time with our children. I believe this is the most important of all the skills. It's the foundation of the rest of the skills. Practicing this skill will make all the other skills work better.

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A struggling mother once came to me and she said, my kids never listen. They're defiant. Give me a consequence or a punishment that will make them realize that I'm in charge and they'd better do what I ask.

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I asked her how much one on one time she spends with her children.

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What do you think? She said she doesn't have much time. Because she's a single mom. Yeah, not much.

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I told her you don't have a discipline problem. What you have is a relationship problem. Spending one on one time is the best way to strengthen the relationships that we have with our kids. So let's take a look at what that means to spend one on one time. Each grandparent spends uninterrupted time with each grandchildren every day doing what the child likes to do. In other words, having fun. So let me repeat that. Each grandparent spends uninterrupted time with each grandchild every day doing what the child likes to do.

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Here's some things that I used to do with my kids, just to kind of give you an idea. We would lay on the trampoline at night with blankets and pillows and look at the stars. We would play catch. We would play games. Gammon was a big hit among my kids and me. We'd shoot some hoops in the driveway.

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We would take a trip to the library. This was just one on one, you see, with each one of my kids. And I have six kids, so this demanded a lot of my time. We would bake something like cake, cookies, brownies. We would build something with blocks or Legos. We would draw or color something. Of course, that's when they were young. Then when they got a little bit older, we'd go to the golf course. We would practice putting on the putting green or hit a bucket of balls or play around. In my book, I list 70 ideas to get you started. Now, here's something to consider. It's never too late or too early to start building a relationship with your grandchildren. And you start by spending that one on one time with those children.

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So, Laura, is there anything that you want to add to that?

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Obviously, as parents, which we're parenting again, so we don't have as much free time as we would if we were just a grandparent to these kids? Yeah. Would you say an hour of time an evening or a day is adequate. The great thing about this spending one on one time is that you can spend only three minutes and make a difference. So if you were to spend three minutes in the morning, three minutes at nighttime, maybe reading a book, that's only six minutes that you spent with your kids. But it makes a big difference to them. Now on the weekend you can do a little more fun things. You can take them to lunch, you can do things that last a little bit longer. And then at times you may want to spend the whole day with them.

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It's just up to you. But what's important is that we make it something that we do on a continual basis, ideally every day, spend some sort of one on one time with all of our children. So let's talk about skill number five, which is giving choices. So I took my five year old granddaughter to the library. She got on a computer and was immersed in her computer game.

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After a while it was time to go. Well, kids hate transitions and I was about to lay a big one on her.

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So I bent down next to her ear and I said, it's time to go.

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The look on her face was pure disappointment and her eyes started to fill with tears. I said, okay, I'll give you a choice. I said, we can leave now or in five minutes. Well, of course she chose five minutes and her disappointment turned into smiles. Okay, okay, I said. So here's what we're going to do. Let's set this timer on my cell phone for five minutes. When it goes off, then it's time to go. So you go ahead and tap the start button.

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So she started the timer and I left the phone with her and she happily resumed her computer game. Five minutes later, the alarm sounded. She stopped the alarm, stood up from her computer without a complaint, and we both left the library in a happy mood. By giving her a choice, I met her need for a sense of personal power. So giving choices helps to reduce arguing and power struggles, and I think your grandparents would be amazed at how well it works.

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Giving choices means offering two options, each of which you like. Here are some examples. Do you want potato chips or corn chips in your lunch? Do you want the green towel or the blue towel? Do you want juice or milk? You can also use choices to get your kids to do something they don't want to do. Do you want to load the dishwasher or clean up dog poop? Would you like to clean the living room or the bathroom? Do you want to do your homework at the table or up to the Counter.

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When we give kids a choice, putting up a struggle might not even cross their mind. So that's choices. Choices are very powerful, but people don't think about them because they're so simple. Anything you want to add to that, Laura? No, that sounds pretty clear to me.

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The last thing that I want to talk about, unless you want to go on, is skill number eight, Acknowledging negative feelings. The other night my wife and I were at a family dinner where a lot of my grandchildren were having a lot of fun. My son said to his six children, it's time to go get in the car. They had a minivan.

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His nine year old grandson said no, he didn't want to leave and he was not about to leave.

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My son could have forced him into the car, but instead this is what he did. And see, I was watching all this unfold. He got down on one knee so he was eye to eye with his son. He said, I know it's hard to leave when you're having such a good time. He said, I know you'd like to stay longer, I get that. But we have a long way to go to get home and I need you to come. Do you think you could do that for me? As much as his son wanted to stay, he got in the car without a fight.

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So please consider this connection, not correction, is the only reason your kids will give up what they want for what you want.

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When we acknowledge negative feelings, we connect.

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That's a skill that I've been getting better at. And you know what?

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I'm the same way. I'm always practicing. Sometimes I screw up and I understand that. But I try to get myself back on track.

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It's something that we have to continually work at doing. Yes, well, I wish I can convince every grandparent, every parent how important it is to acknowledge their kids negative or hurt feelings. Here's why all children are born with the need to be heard and understood. It's one of the four emotional needs. They need to be able to express their hurt feelings to someone who's willing to listen. If they are denied the opportunity to express their hurt feelings, then their need to be heard and understood goes unmet. When that happens, children must suppress or bottle up those painful feelings over time that can have a negative effect on their emotional health and their behavior.

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So when your grandchildren come to you in distress, don't dismiss their feelings as trivial just because they're kids.

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Don't tell them to get over it or boys don't cry. Refrain from criticizing or regarding their feelings as unimportant to them, it's all important.

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And what they need is for you to make them feel heard and understood. You do that by acknowledging their negative feelings.

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So let's talk about what it means to acknowledge their negative feelings.

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Simply put, it means when your child comes to you in distress with a problem or hurt feelings, first you listen and try to understand what he or she is feeling and why. Then you say back what the child is feeling and why. So these are two steps. Use either one or both.

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Step one, listen without interrupting. Step two, say back what the child is feeling and why. I'll repeat that. Step one, listen without interrupting.

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And step two, say back to the child what he or she is feeling and why. Here's a simple example.

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Your child or grandchild comes up to you and says, I want to punch that Michael in the nose. We were playing soccer and he pushed me down. Now we can say a lot of things in response to that, but one thing to consider is say something like this. If we wanted to meet his need for us to be heard and understood. You were playing soccer and he pushed you down. I can see how that would make you mad.

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See how that acknowledged his negative feelings.

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A couple of quick stories. My granddaughter and grandson were five and four respectively.

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They came to my house to visit and they came into the family room where they saw the spinning chair. Spinning chair was just an office chair that they loved to spin around on. So a five year old granddaughter and four year old grandson made a beeline for that chair. Younger brother got to the chair first and climbed up on it. So I was watching all this from the door and I could see that older sister was getting pretty upset about it. And if you knew her, you'd know that she was capable of doing some physical harm if she got mad enough. So the logical thing to say and the first thing that came to my mind was to call her by name and say, hey, listen, your little brother beat you to that chair fair and square. And all you have to do is let him spin on it for a while and then you can have the whole rest of the day to spin on it if you want. Well, see, that's logical. But kids that age, they don't think logically. They think with emotion. So this is what I did. I went over and I kneeled in front of her. So now I was eye to eye with her and I said, I call her by name and I said, hey, you are really mad.

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I said, you wanted to beat your brother to that chair. And I'll bet he even Wanted you to spin. You wanted him to spin you around. And she didn't say a word. But I could just see her whole body relax. She turned around and off she went. So it's things like that that make me realize how important it is to acknowledge these negative feelings.

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Another quick story. This happened to me at the county jail. I was teaching in a large room. About 12 inmates were in that room with me, and I was teaching about consequences and punishments. One of my students stands up and he says, that's it. I'm out of here. And he leaves the room and I'm going, oh, my gosh, did I say something to offend him? So at the end of class, my students are filing out. He comes back in, he says, richard, I think that I owe you an explanation. I says, yeah, what happened back there? Did I say something that was offensive? He says, well, let me tell you, when I was growing up, my parents were strict religious people, and they wanted me to accept and follow those same values that they did regarding religion. They wanted me to go to church and pray and read scriptures.

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And I didn't want to do that. He said. So I rebelled.

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And then he said this, and it's something that I have never forgotten. He said, if my parents would have just sat down and had a decent conversation with me, wow. I thought to myself, what if these parents had acknowledged his negative feelings? What if they had met that need for a sense to be heard and understood?

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Would he have found himself on a different path, one that didn't take him to jail? I don't know. Nobody can answer that, but just shows me that all these kids, no matter their age, young teenagers, older teenagers, young adults, man, we all need to feel heard and understood. You know what? Even grandparents need to feel heard and understood. So that's something to keep in mind as well.

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So, Laura, these are three powerful skills your listeners can practice today, one on one time with each of our children, give choices and acknowledge negative feelings so we can go on and talk about some more skills, or is there something else that you would rather discuss? Our listeners would probably enjoy hearing about some of the positive feedback that you've gotten from the juveniles that you've worked with that have been incarcerated or are in youth homes. Most of these juveniles and inmates, the only contact they have with their families over the phone or with letters, we talk about. We have a whole lesson, we talk for two hours on meeting our children's need to be heard and understood and how we can acknowledge their negative feelings and how we can listen to Them ventures and how we can we feel that they're feeling and why. And they get on the phone with their kids and they try to do this skill, even though they're very unskilled at it, and they don't have a whole lot of have had any practice with it. They come back and say, hey, my child opened up to me for the first time. Or they'll say, you know, we had a conversation longer than just a couple of minutes. They say, this stuff really works. And they do this listening to the mother of their children. And they say, I can't believe what happened. We finally had a conversation where it didn't end in an argument. They say, she even put some money on my books. One guy said, now she wants to marry me. So I know that this stuff works, and I use it all the time on my grandkids and even my wife. Let me tell you a quick story about my wife.

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So she came back from the hospital. She works there. She's a phlebotomist. And she was complaining about how her day went.

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She knows that I know this skill to acknowledge negative feelings. And she says, man, I had a horrible day today. She said, all these clients got in my face. They were mean and angry, and even some of the people that I work with, they were disrespectful. I said, hey, because I'm a guy, you see, I fix things. That's what guys do. We're born to fix things. I said, honey, why don't you just move to a different department in the hospital? She said, stop right there. She says, all I want you to do is make me feel understood. And I said, these are my exact words. Gosh, that must have been frustrating.

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She said, thank you. That's all I had to hear. And she turned around and went out. Hey, I'm telling you, Laura, this skill, acknowledge negative feelings, is powerful, and it will change people's lives. You brought up so much great information, and I want to be reminded of those skills that you mentioned and the emotional needs. The four emotional needs. Are those in both of your books?

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911, what is your parenting emergency? And the seven essential dad skills. Yes. My latest book is a 911 what is your parenting emergency? It talks about those 15 essential parenting skills. The other book, the seven essential dance skills, of course, just talks about seven skills. So what I wanted to do was make my second book my latest book for everybody, not just for dads. Okay? And so I added some more skills into that book. I expand a little bit on the four Emotional needs. I made my latest book easy to read and easy to understand. I've taken out the. I've left out the fluff, the non essential material to make it shortened to the point. In other words, I've tried to eliminate every excuse a parent could have for not reading a book. So if you're only going to get one book, get the 911 book. All of the information that we spoke about today is in 911. Yes.

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In even greater detail than we talked about. More examples, lists of things that I've done with my kids. I think I list 70 different ideas to do with your children that you can use to get a good start. I'm really good with lists. So if I take this information and put it on a list and I put it up somewhere because my memory at my age is not the best. Me too. Well, I can just look over it while I'm cooking dinner and yeah, something pops into my mind and. Food for thought.

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Constant food for thought. That's an excellent idea.

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Yeah, absolutely. Well, thanks, Richard. This has been a great conversation. I'm looking forward to reading your book. 911. Do you have a website, Richard? Yes, it's called 911parenting emergency.com and we'll. Add that to the show notes as well. Wonderful. Laura, what a pleasure it's been to talk with you. Me as well. It's such a pleasure to connect with experts like yourself that are doing this work in action. It's great to be able to reach out to people through an online source like this and I learned new stuff all the time. I'll bet you do.

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Thank you for letting me spread the word on your podcast. Thank you very much. Yes, and many blessings with the work that you do. Thank you. Thanks for joining us today for another episode of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. I encourage you to share both your challenges and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear.

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Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together.

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Prepare to embark on a transformative journey with our upcoming guest, Catherine Giovanni, a three time award winning best selling author of 12 transformative books. In our next episode we'll delve into her latest work, the Ultimate Path to Unlocking youg Power where Catherine reveals the profound art of forgiveness and its pivotal role in personal empowerment. Join us as we explore Catherine's dynamic approach as a speaker, trainer and intuitive advisor and discover how her wisdom can pave the way to unlocking your true potential. With a rich background as one of the original founders of the independent concierge industry, Catherine brings an unparalleled perspective to the table, blending her industry insights with her deep passion for helping others.

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Whether you're looking to release past burdens or ignite a new chapter of growth in your life, this is an episode you won't want to miss. Tune in for a captivating conversation filled with actionable steps and inspiring stories that will guide you on your ultimate path to forgiveness and liberation. Thank you for tuning in to grandparents, raising grandchildren, nurturing through adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you, and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom. Amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.